Friday, November 09, 2007

Miss's Mailbox


Dear Miss Begotten,
Do you believe people are actually abducted by aliens?
- Klatu

Dear, um, Klatu,
I believe in people -- or rather, I believe there are people. I believe abductions occur every day. I believe some things are alien to me. I believe people get abducted, which is an alien concept to normal people. Do I believe intelligent beings from other planets abduct Earthlings to experiment on them? Well, no. I mean, if someone is smart enough to figure out how to travel light years from their home, why would they want to waste time playing doctor with us? Why would they go to the trouble of catching us and then throw us back? Nope, I don't think so. Which is not to say I would be averse to performing some experiments on some alien people.

I hereby promise to let you know post haste if I ever get abducted by aliens from anywhere, any species. Then we'll know for sure.

Dear Miss Begotten,
How much is diddly-squat?
- Bo

Dear Bo,
To my understanding, it is precisely nothing. Diddly-squat is much more fun to say, however, than a plain old nothing. Or zilch. Zero. Zip. Nada. Bupkis. Goose eggs. Diddly-squat is a much more colorful colloquialism. Which would you rather say -- "That ugly woman ain't worth a crap" or "That two-broomstick witch from the Outlands ain't worth diddly-squat and that is a fact, Mac."

I didn't actually have a clue as to when or why diddly-squat came into usage in the first place, so I went Googling for it.

One site, which spells it as one unhyphenated word, says it means: n. - a small worthless amount; akin to "You don't know jack."

Another site, which does hyphenate it, defines it as slang, meaning a small or worthless amount [alteration of diddlyshit].

And there you have it.

Dear Miss Begotten,
I know I have nine lives but how old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
- One Cool Top Cat

Dear OCTC,
Congratulations on your longevity! But -- are you asking how old I'd have to be to die of old age? When I was 6, I'd have said I'd have been old and dead by the time I was 20. When I was 20, the prediction shot up to 40. At 40 -- well, you get the picture. Nowadays, I just don't know. Miss B kinda-sorta plans to go out with a bang when she's about 100. If I had nine lives, I guess that would make it age 900. Would I want to live that long? Not on your life! And especially not on all nine of them. This, of course, does not definitively answer your question.

Why don't we take an average Joe's live-span of approximately 80 years and multiply it by 9. That gives us 720 years. Let's deduct 10 years per lifetime for catastrophic maiming, 10 for deadly illness, 20 for aggravation, and 10 for normal wear and tear. That's a total of 450 years. Subtracted from 720, that gives us a mean death age of 270. Divide that by 9 and you get 30 years per lifetime. That ain't bad for a cat!

*Disclaimer: Miss Begotten flunked Math.

If you have a question for next week's Mailbox, send it in to Miss B.

You guys are sitting on the TWISTED LINGUISTICS jury today. That's right -- you're going to be the word mavens who define these Words Gone Wild.






witch's teet
illiness's
balnace
toldly wrong
when i went to die i didn't buy anything
richier

Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Margaritaville"

You are a true party animal, but your style is mild and chill.
Kicking back with a few friends and a few drinks is all you need to be happy.

You certainly don't feel pressured to be a part of any party scene. In fact, you avoid trendier spots.
You've been known to kick loose anywhere and everywhere. All you need is a cooler.

You might also sing: "Gin and Juice," "Love Shack," and "Red Red Wine"

Stay away from people who sing: "Wind Beneath My Wings"

18 comments:

Top cat said...

What? you wouldn't want to live 900 years?
Think back to 1100AD and think of all the things you could've seen and been a part of..errr maybe not such a good idea after all.
Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Since U Been Gone"

You are a very expressive and genuine person.
You're not so emotional that you wear your heart on your sleeve - but you're not afraid to show how you're truly feeling.

Whether you're singing along in the car or singing on stage, your favorite songs make you get a little carried away.
You're definitely the type most likely to dream of becoming a rock star!

You might also sing: "Livin' La Vida Loca," "I Will Survive," or "Hollaback Girl"

Stay away from people who sing: "I'll Make Love to You"

I think I will practice on Comfortably Numb.:)
tc

Kanrei said...

Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Baby Got Back"

You're a total show off who is willing to risk looking like a fool to get a few laughs.
In fact, you'll go for the cheap laugh if you need to... because it's better than no reaction!

Your friends can count on you to get a party started, and you'll party hard until you can't remember their names.
You're charismatic, charming, and a total character. With or without a few drinks in you.

You might also sing: "I Touch Myself," "Oops I Did it Again," or "My Humps"

Stay away from people who sing: "Candle in the Wind"


I think I answered wrong

MONA said...

witch's teet: Tits if more than one witch [ teet, Plural by TL 'satandards']

illiness, just an s less of silliness

balnace , a ball of Ace standard

toldly wrong, rumors or gossip of a malicious kind

when I went to die I didn't buy anything : when I went to commit suicide telling them I am going for shopping, I thought it was best not to waste any money on actually buying anything...

richier, a double comparative degree, rich richer richier richest

Roxan said...

My song is also Margaritaville and I'm staying far away from Kanrei when he starts singing. LOL

VE said...

900 years? Does that come with extended Acne years? Extended homework? Extended parental responsibilities? Extended employee reviews? Extended family reunions? Sorry...it's just not sounding worth it.

Serena Joy said...

I don't know, TC. In a way, it might have been pretty cool to have seen first-hand everything that's transpired since 1100 A.D. All in all, though, nope, I don't think I'd want to live that long.

You're singing 'Baby Got Back,' Kan? What's wrong with that? I like it.:)

LOL at your definitions, Mona.:-)

Cool, Roxan. We can harmonize.:-)

As much as I'd like to be playing online all afternoon, I can't. I have to conserve my batteries because ... one of the siding guys accidentally took out our electrical system today. There's only one circuit in the whole house that's working, and God only knows when we'll get power restored. If you were to ask me if I'm fit to be tied, the answer would be a resounding YES!!:(

Serena Joy said...

Sounds like a bum deal to me, too, VE. I ain't going for it.:)

george bush said...

you are
an arrogant
& miserable SOB,
a complete buffoon,
a total dickhead without a clue

you like to think that you are important because fully 75% of the world's inhabitants want to see you die slowly and in great pain

you believe that you are morally superior, but nobody is listening

your karaoke theme song is "antichrist superstar"

stay away from all people, whether singing songs or not

Serena Joy said...

Good heavens, George, I think you'd better take the quiz again and see if you can't get a better song. LOL.

G-Man said...

Dear Miss Begotten..
Is there such a thing as "Make-Up Sex?"...
Are there indeed, sexual categories like "Angry Sex", "Mind-Less Sex", "Pretend Sex"???
I really want to know.

..And if everyone lit just one little candle,what a bright world this would be!!!

xoxbgxoxoxox

Serena Joy said...

G-man, the answers are yes, yes, yes, and yes, in no particular order.:)

Candles. Bah-humbug. I've had a snootful of candles and flashlights today.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

You're a total show off who is willing to risk looking like a fool to get a few laughs.
In fact, you'll go for the cheap laugh if you need to... because it's better than no reaction!

Your friends can count on you to get a party started, and you'll party hard until you can't remember their names.
You're charismatic, charming, and a total character. With or without a few drinks in you.

You might also sing: "I Touch Myself," "Oops I Did it Again," or "My Humps"

Stay away from people who sing: "Candle in the Wind"


...Well, what can I say? It's not exactly me. Close enough, though.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

(Especially tonight. I'm a good three sheets to the wind...or more.)

Camille Alexa said...

I once saw somebody (over the age of thirty) sing their "ABCs" at a karaoke bar.

Serena Joy said...

Greeny, honey, it sounds like you're having some fun tonight. Good for you! LOL at your songs.:)

Oh, my, Camille. I would think that was hard to listen to with a straight face.:)

MONA said...

Dear Miss Begotten. Why is it that small insignificant things[ like flash fictions 55] become hyped as a rage and an addiction when it comes to competition or a rat's race?

Pink said...

30???? Well, maybe when top cat was 15 he thought 30 was old. But...well ya...I guess a 30 year old cat would be a bit slow moving. No more whipping across the room at the sight of a ghost.

More of a meander.

Serena Joy said...

Mona, Miss will pontificate on that question and let it simmer for a week -- and TRY to answer it for you.:)

I don't know, Pink. When you put it that way, I think I'd rather see a lightning-fast cat than a meandering one. I don't think cats were meant to meander.:)