Friday, October 05, 2007

Miss's Mailbox


Dear Miss,
What does an honest person have to do to get ahead?
~Charles

Dear Charles,
In Hollywood, the answer would be, "give it." We, however, are not in Hollywood. Therefore, my best advice would be to simply be oneself while remaining true to the honesty factor and put one's best foot forward. If one gives every endeavor his best shot and proves his mettle to the best of his ability, I do think that one will get ahead. Eventually. Sometimes it may be due to such prosaic variables as attrition, but what the heck, whatever works. Sometimes if it weren't for default, we'd have no luck at all. The best course is to remain honest and the rest will fall into place. And if it doesn't, screw 'em -- and as far as I'm concerned, you have full permission to make faces at them, draw caricatures of them, and blog about them without redacting their names. There is, of course, an entirely different philosophy and code of conduct for the dishonest person, but that's not what you asked.

Dear Miss Begotten,
Which is better...
Wal-Mart
K-Mart
Sam's
Costco
Burger King
Wendy's
Pizza-Hut
Little Caesar's
~G

Dear G-man,
You're making me hungry. Yum. But I digress. Let me see if I can break this down a little for you. For light bulbs, groceries, toiletries, books, and various and sundry everyday needs, Wal-Mart is a pretty good bet. One wouldn't want to assemble a full Wal-Mart wardrobe, but I can attest that there's nothing wrong with their underwear.

Sam's and Costco are good when you're buying in bulk. That, alas, doesn't apply to me. Probably not you, either. I mean, I don't need 40 rolls of toilet tissue at a time or a gallon jug of mustard. What on earth would I do with it? The mustard would be rancid by the time I scraped the bottom of the jug in approximately the year 2027.

You know what would be perfect? Burger King fries with a Wendy's double cheeseburger. Oh, my God. That would be practically orgasmic. Ohmmm. But I digress again. Let's see -- Little Caesar's makes a perfectly respectable pizza at a fair price. But I adore Pizza Hut's deep-dish. The best pizzas, in my opinion, come from family-run Italian restaurants, though. Now that you've made me sit here and salivate, I hope you're prepared to buy me dinner.

Dear Miss Begotten,
If you have sex with a rubber chicken, do you still need to wear protection or does the chicken's rubber cover you both?
~Kanrei

Dear Kan,
I'm really reaching here, trying to get my mind wrapped around the concept of getting it on with rubber artificial poultry. I'm not sure that I can do it. I mean, who would do that? What's wrong with you?! Okay, just for the sake of argument, suppose someone did desire intimacy with a rubber chicken. Wouldn't the introduction of protection into the midst of this lovefest be, well, redundant? And unnecessary to boot, because rubbery, inanimate fowl probably don't carry STDs and I'm reasonably sure they can't get pregnant. Therefore, if anyone is inclined to swing this way, I don't believe either h/she or the chicken would require protection to ensure safe sex. There may be one small caveat, to-wit: whether the bird is a rooster or a hen may make a difference, and if it's a capon, run. And listen, if you're going to do it, do buy it dinner first. They appreciate it. I do hope this answers your question, because I'm feeling pretty icky visualizing it and don't wish to expound any further on it. In fact, I'm going to go take a bath now.

Dear Miss Begotten,
My question is this: What was in the pipes the Indians used to smoke and why was it called a peace pipe?

thank you
signed
~one curious cat

Dear Hep Cat,
First, we should recognize that there were all kinds of Indians; i.e., Northern, Southern, Eastern, and Western. And then we have the far Southern Indians, e.g., Aztecs, Mayans, Incas, etc., the far Northern Indians, e.g., Kutchin, Tlingit, Haida, Inuit, etc., and a whole continent populated by Asian Indians, not to be confused with the people we refer to as Indians who are not, in fact, Indians at all. Anyway... I believe that some of the pipes contained tobacco, some jimson weed (a.k.a. loco weed), and others anything from rabbit tobacco to hemp. I believe that what happened was, the hemp smokers probably turned all the other tribes on to their own special herbal blend. Once everybody was smoking the same thing, there was laughter and dancing in all the villages and the people all got the munchies. They ate, and giggled, and ate some more, and then they all got very sleepy. And a happy peace reigned throughout the tribes, especially during times of high holy days when the old pipe got a real workout. Or something like that.

Turning our attention to TWISTED LINGUISTICS, we found these Words Gone Wild running amok. Not to worry, they were run to ground in short order and punished.

dooped - What happened to a bamboozled doo-wop singer.

apparantly - See-through clothing for apparitions.

viusalize - Something done only as punishment.

theyir - Neither a them nor a they, but another species altogether -- most likely a small, furry mammal.

I have a blister on my heel. Luckily, I have Princess Band-Aids.







You Could Not Be a Vampire


Sorry, but you're not just cut out for flesh eating, turning into a bat, and living forever.
But that's okay. The sight of blood turns your stomach... without even thinking of drinking it.
And while you definitely would never be a vampire, you're exactly the type of frail prey Dracula wannabe's crave.
Maybe it's time to arm yourself with a cross and some nasty garlic breath!

What you would like best about being a vampire: The raw power (though you wouldn't admit it to anyone)

What you would like least about being a vampire: The whole killing thing

20 comments:

Roxan said...

***You Could Be a Vampire... If You Had To***


Like most people, the thought of being a vampire has crossed your mind. But you're not sure if you'd do it, even if you could.
Living forever doesn't sound half bad, if you could live forever with the people you love the most.
But do vampires even love? And would the vampire version of you even be you?
It's all too much to contemplate. Luckily, the chances of you ever becoming a vampire are astronomically low.

What you would like best about being a vampire: Living forever

What you would like least about being a vampire: Blood stained teeth

Top cat said...

Thank you so much for that informative answer, I've always suspected there was more in there than just tobacky.
Wouldn't it be nice if world leaders used the peace pipe ritual today?

Lol@ kanrei.

Have a wonderful relaxing weekend, meet me at G's for some real peace pipe smoking.lol

Charles said...

OK, then. I guess I'll just keep on keepin on.

I'd like to inject my thoughts on Kan's question: If people don't like the feel of rubber condoms, would a rubber chicken prefer it? I think there must be some experts out there, if only on the chicken portion or the rubber portion.

I was under the impression that jimson weed was toxic, is that not true? What exactly is rabbit tobacco? We don't have either of those here, I've never seen them. I'm not even sure what poison ivy looks like to tell you the truth. So many plants, so little knowledge.
_______________________________
You Could Be a Vampire... If You Had To
Like most people, the thought of being a vampire has crossed your mind. But you're not sure if you'd do it, even if you could.
Living forever doesn't sound half bad, if you could live forever with the people you love the most.
But do vampires even love? And would the vampire version of you even be you?
It's all too much to contemplate. Luckily, the chances of you ever becoming a vampire are astronomically low.

What you would like best about being a vampire: Living forever

What you would like least about being a vampire: Blood stained teeth

Kanrei said...

You Could Be a Vampire... If You Had To

Like most people, the thought of being a vampire has crossed your mind. But you're not sure if you'd do it, even if you could.
Living forever doesn't sound half bad, if you could live forever with the people you love the most.
But do vampires even love? And would the vampire version of you even be you?
It's all too much to contemplate. Luckily, the chances of you ever becoming a vampire are astronomically low.

What you would like best about being a vampire: Living forever

What you would like least about being a vampire: Blood stained teeth


All is right in the world again. Roxan and I got exactly the same answer.

Kanrei said...

I think my lack of a sex life is probably due to my use of rubber chickens instead of more traditional methods. I probably should have just kept that to my self, but "cluck off" has a ring to it, doesn't it? =P

Serena Joy said...

Roxan, Kan, and Charles -- children of the night.

You're right, TC. If we could get today's world leaders to sit down with a peace pipe, they'd all get too happy-happy to think about blowing the hell out of each other. I'll meet you over at G's for the real deal.:-)

Yes, Charles, I do think that rubber chickens would find all things rubber supremely sensual. I'm not sure about the toxicity of jimson (loco) weed. Like everything else, I suppose too much of it would be toxic. I don't think I've ever seen rabbit tobacco, either; only heard about it.

Kan, it's perfectly all right to talk about clucking. You're among friends.:-) I do think this might be an opportune time for Miss to start offering some remedial Sex Ed classes. Bwaaaak.:)

Charles said...

I'm a bit confused, so please forgive my ignorance of such matters. If I remember correctly Kan said he was Jewish, so if he were a vampire, the traditional symbol of the cross used to ward off a vampire wouldn't apply. So would a Star of David be an appropriate talisman or would a Menorah be more appropriate? Also, since I'm a 'Baptist', and we don't have Holy water, what would we use? Wine? Vampires are so complex...

Serena Joy said...

Well. I can see the necessity of devising some new rules for novice vampires. The old ones clearly didn't take diversity into account. Here's what I propose: The talisman will be a Happy Face pendant. Latte will take the place of holy water. Be advised, however, that sunlight will still shrivel you and ash stakes will still kill you. Be careful out there!:-)

Charles said...

Happy Face Pendants? Aren't those more rare than rubber hen's teeth? Latte would just make me cry whether they got me with it or not. Please don't waste latte. Can't we switch to Orange juice, its a glass of sunshine. Plus, nobody's going to get upset if we waste OJ, either one of them.

Serena Joy said...

Okay, rubber hen's teeth and OJ it is. And please -- avail yourself of every opportunity to waste the "other" OJ.:-)

Kanrei said...

Jewish vampires do not fear the Cross, or the Star of David or anything like that. Their big weakness is that you can easily make them feel really guilty and thus prevent them from actually killing you. Plus, in addition to garlic, pork products also work with a Jewish vampire.

Serena Joy said...

This would work really well for me, Kan. I'm very good at inducing guilt. LOL. I'm not going to carry bacon in my pockets, though. It attracts too many dogs.:-)

G-Man said...

Serena!!!!!

1st of all..You and TC are welcome to explore peace loving and mind expansion at my place anytime!!

Secondly, why would you post that pic of your awesomely HOT tootsie like that? Now how am I going to function for the rest of the day?
VIXEN!!!!!!

Dear Miss Begotten,
Is there a side to Serena Joy that people do NOT see everyday?..A 'Wild' side?
Curious people want to know..xoxoxox

ThatGreenyFlower said...

SJ, are you and I alone in that we could not be Vampires?

I spent one summer taking an awesome class on intertidal ecology (this is when I ate the freaky stew), and we had a particularly lively conversation one morning about Vampires and whether or not they can tolerate sun. We devised an experiement involving the "study Vampire" and the "control Vampire" and different caskets. It was hilarious...at the time.

Do you do your own toenails? If so, how do you manage to keep them tidy while you're waiting for the paint to dry? I love having red nails (it's my minute quantity of inner Vampire) but always screw them up because inevitably I have to walk or scratch or put on a sock or go to bed or something in the interminable amount of time it takes them to dry.

Serena Joy said...

G, I know you always have the peace pipe burning. That always provides an atmosphere conducive to mind expansion -- except for that time I set my hair on fire.:) The foot shot was a risk, I know. My heel felt like somebody had dumped the peace pipe on it, though, so I figured I'd plug the psychosomatic healing properties of cute Band-Aids.:-)

So far, Greeny, it looks like you and I are alone in our squeamishness toward vampirism. That experiment you participated in sounds like great fun. How come I never had classes like that?

Yes, I do my own nails. It's harder getting toenails dry without damage than it is fingernails. If I put my feet down, for example, before the nails are dry, I run a huge risk of having dog hair adhere to them. Not pretty. I buy "quick drying" polish. That helps.:)

G-Man said...

OMG...
Toenail Tips...From Serena Joy!!
What a great Bonus..xoxoxo

snowelf said...

rofl!!
I am pretty disturbed thinking about the rubber chicken too...

Ew.

And I always do my own pedicures!I find it incredibly relaxing! Plus I just have fear of people cutting my feet for some reason. It gives me the heebie jeebies!

--snow

Serena Joy said...

I figured you were due for a bonus today, Galen. What with all the tips you've given me, I felt I owed you.:-)

I actually love for other people to do my feet, Snow, but I usually end up doing it myself. When an actual Pedicure Person does it, I just try to block out any thought of cutting. It reduces the heebie-jeebies.:-)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Snow and SJ,

I like good pedicures--the kind where you get a little massage, too. But bad ones--eh. I can do better myself! I don't know if y'all knew this, but you can tell the pedicure person to keep the sharpies away from your toes. I cannot STAND the thought of someone using a PUBLIC TOOL to cut my skin, so I have in the past just told them (the two pedicurists I've ever seen) to leave my calluses because I liked them where they are.

Just an FYI. No pumice stones, no sharp things.

SJ, thanks for the tip about the quick-dry polish. I really like this deep red shade by OPI, but it takes forever to dry. I'll try something new this week and let you know how it goes!

Serena Joy said...

Greeny, I don't like anyone using sharp objects near any of my body parts, either. Makes me very, very nervous. I just did my toes again today. I didn't like the neon look of that last polish I used. I bought some new, darker pink and I like it much better.:)

I'll trade toe shots with you when you get your deep red job done.:-)