Miss's Mailbox

Dear Miss,
What does an honest person have to do to get ahead?
~Charles

Dear Charles,
In Hollywood, the answer would be, "give it." We, however, are not in Hollywood. Therefore, my best advice would be to simply be oneself while remaining true to the honesty factor and put one's best foot forward. If one gives every endeavor his best shot and proves his mettle to the best of his ability, I do think that one will get ahead. Eventually. Sometimes it may be due to such prosaic variables as attrition, but what the heck, whatever works. Sometimes if it weren't for default, we'd have no luck at all. The best course is to remain honest and the rest will fall into place. And if it doesn't, screw 'em -- and as far as I'm concerned, you have full permission to make faces at them, draw caricatures of them, and blog about them without redacting their names. There is, of course, an entirely different philosophy and code of conduct for the dishonest person, but that's not what you asked.

Dear Miss Begotten,
Which is better...
Wal-Mart
K-Mart
Sam's
Costco
Burger King
Wendy's
Pizza-Hut
Little Caesar's
~G

Dear G-man,
You're making me hungry. Yum. But I digress. Let me see if I can break this down a little for you. For light bulbs, groceries, toiletries, books, and various and sundry everyday needs, Wal-Mart is a pretty good bet. One wouldn't want to assemble a full Wal-Mart wardrobe, but I can attest that there's nothing wrong with their underwear.

Sam's and Costco are good when you're buying in bulk. That, alas, doesn't apply to me. Probably not you, either. I mean, I don't need 40 rolls of toilet tissue at a time or a gallon jug of mustard. What on earth would I do with it? The mustard would be rancid by the time I scraped the bottom of the jug in approximately the year 2027.

You know what would be perfect? Burger King fries with a Wendy's double cheeseburger. Oh, my God. That would be practically orgasmic. Ohmmm. But I digress again. Let's see -- Little Caesar's makes a perfectly respectable pizza at a fair price. But I adore Pizza Hut's deep-dish. The best pizzas, in my opinion, come from family-run Italian restaurants, though. Now that you've made me sit here and salivate, I hope you're prepared to buy me dinner.

Dear Miss Begotten,
If you have sex with a rubber chicken, do you still need to wear protection or does the chicken's rubber cover you both?
~Kanrei

Dear Kan,
I'm really reaching here, trying to get my mind wrapped around the concept of getting it on with rubber artificial poultry. I'm not sure that I can do it. I mean, who would do that? What's wrong with you?! Okay, just for the sake of argument, suppose someone did desire intimacy with a rubber chicken. Wouldn't the introduction of protection into the midst of this lovefest be, well, redundant? And unnecessary to boot, because rubbery, inanimate fowl probably don't carry STDs and I'm reasonably sure they can't get pregnant. Therefore, if anyone is inclined to swing this way, I don't believe either h/she or the chicken would require protection to ensure safe sex. There may be one small caveat, to-wit: whether the bird is a rooster or a hen may make a difference, and if it's a capon, run. And listen, if you're going to do it, do buy it dinner first. They appreciate it. I do hope this answers your question, because I'm feeling pretty icky visualizing it and don't wish to expound any further on it. In fact, I'm going to go take a bath now.

Dear Miss Begotten,
My question is this: What was in the pipes the Indians used to smoke and why was it called a peace pipe?

thank you
signed
~one curious cat

Dear Hep Cat,
First, we should recognize that there were all kinds of Indians; i.e., Northern, Southern, Eastern, and Western. And then we have the far Southern Indians, e.g., Aztecs, Mayans, Incas, etc., the far Northern Indians, e.g., Kutchin, Tlingit, Haida, Inuit, etc., and a whole continent populated by Asian Indians, not to be confused with the people we refer to as Indians who are not, in fact, Indians at all. Anyway... I believe that some of the pipes contained tobacco, some jimson weed (a.k.a. loco weed), and others anything from rabbit tobacco to hemp. I believe that what happened was, the hemp smokers probably turned all the other tribes on to their own special herbal blend. Once everybody was smoking the same thing, there was laughter and dancing in all the villages and the people all got the munchies. They ate, and giggled, and ate some more, and then they all got very sleepy. And a happy peace reigned throughout the tribes, especially during times of high holy days when the old pipe got a real workout. Or something like that.

Turning our attention to TWISTED LINGUISTICS, we found these Words Gone Wild running amok. Not to worry, they were run to ground in short order and punished.

dooped - What happened to a bamboozled doo-wop singer.

apparantly - See-through clothing for apparitions.

viusalize - Something done only as punishment.

theyir - Neither a them nor a they, but another species altogether -- most likely a small, furry mammal.

I have a blister on my heel. Luckily, I have Princess Band-Aids.

You Could Not Be a Vampire

Sorry, but you're not just cut out for flesh eating, turning into a bat, and living forever. But that's okay. The sight of blood turns your stomach... without even thinking of drinking it. And while you definitely would never be a vampire, you're exactly the type of frail prey Dracula wannabe's crave. Maybe it's time to arm yourself with a cross and some nasty garlic breath! What you would like best about being a vampire: The raw power (though you wouldn't admit it to anyone) What you would like least about being a vampire: The whole killing thing

Could You Be a Vampire?