As the Cookie Crumbles

Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the country, is putting some more pragmatic fortunes in some of its cookies. Instead of the consistently positive/optimistic (dare I say fluffy?) messages we're all used to getting, Wonton apparently decided to interject a small dose of reality. Reaction from diners has been mixed.

Some of the new fortunes:

Today is a disastrous day. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

It’s over your head now. Time to get some professional help.

Perhaps you’ve been focusing too much on yourself.

There may be a crisis looming. Be ready for it.

Your luck is just not there. Attend to practical matters today.

What do you think? Do you want all your fortunes sugar-coated or do you like the idea of a healthy mix of positive and negative?

According to experts (yes, those ubiquitous experts whose life's ambition is to run our lives), there are five items that should almost always be replaced rather than repaired.

Computers
Digital Cameras
MP3 Players
Microwave Ovens
Cell Phones

Having looked at the repair versus replacement cost comparisons, it does seem to make more sense to simply replace the broken item. One does wonder how big a variable "engineered obsolescence" plays in this equation.

You might think that buying an extended warranty on your product is the answer. But wait! The experts agree that in the majority of cases, they are a waste of money. I myself don't buy them any more. I've never, ever had occasion to use one that I paid good money for. The product (usually a computer) always wonked out after the extended warranty expired.

Halloween decorations are going up in the 'hood. I saw one today that particularly struck my fancy, possibly because it wasn't the usual skeleton or pumpkin or zombie. It was a cauldron with a tombstone behind it, and on the tombstone, in dripping letters, was written, "Monsters Puke Here."

Dr. Pain's Haunted Asylum in Salem is into the spirit of the season, too. There's a life-size zombie standing outside the door right now, along with a coffin containing a hideously tattered corpse. Check out the Web site to get a taste of what great fun this place is.



TWISTED LINGUISTICS arrested beaucoup Words Gone Wild today and charged every one of them with felonious impersonation of English-speaking people.

contentively - Those who are timid and unsure about being happy.

libarys - Olde French for "Where the bar is?"

freinds who had freinds - Were better off with enemies.

dislexic - One who is no longer dyslexic.

I forgat - A bad habit highly frowned upon in certain cultures.

proffesional - A confessional for business people.

suposed - Against the use of suppositories.

enleash - Refers to restraint by collars and leads, quite popular among the S&M set.

deleiver - One drunken girlfriend asking another, "Did he leave her?"

questuoning - A quest to get oneself stoned.

wuick - A wonky, broken down Buick.

reguarding - Warden to employee: "Get back in there and watch that convict again!"

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?