Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Hiccing in the Holler

Okay, so I don't live in a hollow (often called hollers around here), exactly. But they're all around. It wouldn't take me long to get to one. The hiccups (also known as hiccoughs, which I don't like the looks of written out), however, are the God's honest truth. I had a run-in with them last night that lasted over half an hour. I hate hiccupping under the best of circumstances, but it was hot as hell and I was not in the mood. To describe my state of mind as out of sorts would be putting it mildly.

There are all kinds of folk remedies for hiccups, and I tried most of them. First, I drank about a quart of water. Nada. Hic.

Then I drank a Diet Coke. That seemed to make it worse, so I had a glass of water. Hic-hic.

Despite the heat straight from the fabled fiery flames, I made myself a cup of coffee. I figured I'd try to burn the suckers out. All that got me was hotter than when I started. I drank two more glasses of water. And I was still hiccing to beat the band.

That meant it was time to call out the big guns -- holding my breath. I don't like to do that except as a last resort, and this was. I count when I have to hold my breath. I can usually make it to 100 -- except that I lose count when I start turning blue and have to start all over. And meanwhile, I'm hiccupping like a Rent-A-Wreck out of oil. Regardless of the count, or the delicate blue hue of my skin which made me look like a Pictish warrior woman, the hiccups continued unabated. In fact, oxygen deprivation seemed to give them new life. I chugged a glass of iced tea. Bupkis. Hic. Gulp. Hic-hic.

Quickly approaching the border of desperation, I remembered hearing that a spoonful of sugar was supposed do the trick. I had a spoon and I had some sugar, so down the hatch it went. It made me feel like barfing, but it didn't stop those damned demon-driven hiccups. Instead, I downed about another quart of water.

God, what next, I wondered? What were some of the other tried and true remedies I'd heard of?

Paper bag! Yeah, I seemed to recall that breathing into a paper bag was one of the most trustworthy methods of hiccup control. I just knew that would by God put me out of my misery. Well, I searched my house over in quest of a paper bag and wouldn't you know, there was not a sack to be found that wasn't plastic. I guess I could have gone to Burger King and ordered a load of food in order to get the big paper bag it would come in, but who can drive when you're hiccing like a maniac? And I've seen enough episodes of CSI to know better than to stick my head in a plastic bag, so that method of hic control was out. I wanted out of my misery, but not permanently.

At the penultimate moment, just when I was getting ready to take the desperate measure of asking the hubs to scare me, they just ... stopped. It was about damn time, too. I had myself a nice little stomachache going on from hiccing for half an hour.

I don't know what causes hiccups. I don't know what I did to the forces of nature that caused it to slap me down with such a bad case. I know it wasn't from over-eating; it's so hot I barely ate anything all day. It wasn't from boozing; my facial cleanser is the closest thing to alcohol I've been around lately. It wasn't caused by a hissy fit, too much sex (or money), too-tight underwear, reading bad porn, yodeling, or stage fright. I just hope the evil hics don't return any time soon. I spent about half the night in the bathroom because of all that water and I'm too tired to deal with it today.

Words Gone Wild tackled by TWISTED LINGUISTICS today:

allegatons - Charges filed against alligators.

travestity - Bad implants.

enviroment - The atmosphere around LaLa Land.

consiladate - Lumping everything you need to make amends for into one pile.

5 Dollors - How much a really dolled up crack ho can get.

You Are Cereal

Playful and lighthearted, breakfast is likely your favorite meal of the day.
(In fact, you're probably the type who sneaks cereal as a midnight snack.)
Your culinary skills are probably a bit lacking... and you are a sucker for junk food.
Some people accuse you of eating like a kid, but you prefer to think of yourself as low maintenance.


Charles said...

I usually find that burping cures my hiccups, except the ones I get from the cold weather.
My ex-girlfriend used to get those really bad bouts like that. I think it may have had to do with the fact that she had a heart murmur. I seem to remember hiccups sometimes being brought about by something strange the heart was doing. Let's hope that isn't what your problem is.
"Your culinary skills are probably a bit lacking... and you are a sucker for junk food.
Some people accuse you of eating like a kid, but you prefer to think of yourself as low maintenance." - You? Ms IcecreamforSupper?

Kanrei said...

So you did hold your breath. That means I owe you a post today. Damn!

I think the thought of asking the hus for help scared them out of you. In a way, he did his job. Twice in one week he has served a use for the world ending?

Seeley deBorn said...

The Man claims to be able to stop hiccups. Something about a sphincter....

You Are Fruit

Healthy and sweet, you can appreciate a simple quality breakfast like fruit.
You don't need to put a lot of processed junk in your body... you're happy with what nature provides.
People have probably accused you of being a health nut, but you just like the best simple foods.
You care about what you put in your body. And it shows! pastries made with organic flour count?

Camille Alexa said...

There was a short story edited by Ellen Datlow (sorry sorry sorry I forget the author/title) in which a woman experiences orgasm after orgasm after orgasm at everything around her. It was a horror story.

Your endless hiccups of pain and anguish made me think of that.

Kanrei said...

A woman is sitting on a plane next to a man who does not know her. Five minutes into the flight she sneezes, then moans. A few seconds later she sneezes again and moans again. This goes on for the entire flight.

Once they land, the man cannot contain his questions any longer and asks her why she moans after every sneeze.

"I have a rare condition," she tells him. "Everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm. It has been that way for the last ten years. The doctors do not know why."

"THat is incredible," he responds. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes", she says, "pepper."

Serena Joy said...

Not to worry, Charles. It was just plain old hiccups. I may have some low maintenance ice cream for supper just to make sure there's no recurrence.:-)

That means I owe you a post today.

Yes, you do, Kan. Better get crackin'.

Twice in one week he has served a use for the world ending?

It MUST be. It's the only explanation.:-) Loved your joke!

I know there's a sphincter in the esophagus that has something to do with hiccups, Seeley. Ask The Man what it is he does about it. Yes, I think organic pastries are EXTREMELY healthy.:)

Shoot, Camille, if the darn hiccups had been orgasmic, I wouldn't have been so anguished. I miss out on everything.:)

Diesel said...

I used to be able to hold my breath for 4 minutes. Little known fact.

My wife gets the hiccups all the time, which means I have license to scare the hell out of her. I've moved from immediate physical terror to psychological torture, like telling her I was arrested. My favorite trick is to stop the car in the middle of traffic and tell her I won't go until she hiccups -- which makes it pretty much impossible for her to hiccup.

Serena Joy said...

Wow, Diesel -- 4 minutes? I'm impressed. No way could I do that. Geez, you're a master at this scaring stuff, aren't you? Next time I get the hiccups, I'm calling YOU.:-)

Charles said...

I can hold my breath for 7 minutes, thing is by that time, I'm dead for a couple of minutes already.
Diesel must be a Navy SEAL.

Roxan said...

***You Are Toast***

Old fashioned and a bit of a homebody, you totally go for comfort food.
You're the type who loves to cook for friends, and they love you for it.
You truly know what tastes good, and you can often pick out the best dish at a restaurant.
You don't fall for food trends. You stick with what's been food for a long time!

Sugar always works for me. Infact, it has never failed me or anyone I know who has tried it. Maybe you did it wrong or you are just weird. LOL

G-Man said...

Hiccups involve the involuntary contraction of the diaphragm, the muscle separating the abdomin and chest. When the diaphragm contracts, the vocal chords close quickly, which causes that funny hiccup sound. No one knows for sure why people hiccup, but in certain circumstances, they are predictable: Eating or drinking too fast, nervousness, pregnancy,(Serena?) or Booze (Serena?)...Or very HOT food.
Consider yourself lucky, Charles Osborne of Anthon Iowa has the record of hiccupping for 60 years, they say he hiccupped an estimated 430 Million times!!!
Sorry Sweetie..xoxbgxoxox

Scary Monster said...

Sounds like you hooked up with the same bastids that attaked me earlier in the week. Me didn't try real hard to get rid of them, just enjoyed the ride.


Serena Joy said...

Good Lord, Charles, and how do you know this? How many times have you been dead?:)

Sugar always works for me. Infact, it has never failed me or anyone I know who has tried it. Maybe you did it wrong or you are just weird. LOL

We've already established that I'm fairly weird, Roxan. Was I not supposed to chew it a little and make it mushy?:-)

Nope, there was no booze or hot food involved, G. And I think we can safely rule out pregnancy.:-) I don't know what it was. I hicced two or three times tonight, but that was it. If I thought it was going to last 60 years, I'm pretty sure I'd go ahead and put the plastic bag over my head. Diaphragms and muscles and contractions, oh my. You know the damndest things!xoxbdxox

Sounds like you hooked up with the same bastids that attaked me earlier in the week. Me didn't try real hard to get rid of them, just enjoyed the ride.

Sounds like you had the orgasmic type of hiccups, Scary Mon. No wonder you didn't try to get rid of the bastids. LOL.

Hale McKay said...

My sister used to get the hic-burps!

She would hiccup and then burp - repeatedly for about 10 minutes.

It was funny to us, but so funny to her.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, God, I've had that happen, Mike. Talk about embarrassing if there's anybody around to witness it. LOL!

puerileuwaite said...

Everybody knows the DEFINITIVE cure for the hiccups is on Page 46 of the Kama Sutra. Sheesh.

Serena Joy said...

Is there tutoring available for that, Puggy?:)

Roxan said...

You let it melt in your mouth. No chewing or swishing it around.

Serena Joy said...

I don't know how you do that, Roxan. I don't think I could swallow sugar without getting it mushy first.:)

Roxan said...

I said let it melt. Geez. LOL

Serena Joy said...

Oh, yeah, so you did. My duh. Melting would be mushy.:-)