Monday, July 16, 2007

Subterranean Bushy-Tailed Subterfuge Blues

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Are squirrels fomenting rebellion? Is there a squirrel jihad being covertly organized? I swear to you, I haven't lost my mind. Read on!

Rebel squirrels in suburban Chicago are being blamed for setting a home on fire -- twice in eight days. Apparently, by jumping from one wire to the next, the furry little revolutionaries transferred enough power to ignite the blaze. The local fire chief blames the power company for not properly maintaining lines and chalks it up to accidental causes, but I have my doubts. They might look cute with their bushy tails and beady little eyes, but don't be fooled by their innocent sounding chatter. It's subterfuge, I tell you. A smokescreen. The little tree rats are plotting even as we speak.

A militant squirrel in Berlin attacked three people without provocation. First, it broke into the home of an elderly woman (probably looking for money to finance the cause) and bit her on the hand, whereupon she ran into the street with the squirrel hanging from her hand and shook it off. The criminally minded rodent then fled to a construction site (probably looking for equipment to use in the insurrection) and bit a man twice before he fought it off. The rampage ended when the squirrel bit an elderly man three times before he killed it with his crutch. And one squirrelly Sith bites the dust.

Squirrel insurgents in Wisconsin have been stealing miniature American flags from veterans' graves. Cemetery workers report finding shredded flags being used as bedding in tree hollows on the grounds. Ha! That's what they want us to think. Bunkers is what they are building, the insidious little dissidents. They might tell you they're hoarding nuts for the winter in there, but I'll bet you they're stockpiling WMD. God help us when GWB hears about this.

A squirrel in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania, knocked out power to about 1,500 residents by causing a surge in the electrical system. The surge tripped a transformer switch that shut off power for about an hour. Duh. Terrorists always attack the power grid if they get half a chance. Somebody should call Dick Cheney and tell him these Tailiban squirrels are lawyers.

A tree worker in Burlington, Vermont, was cutting branches away from power lines when he was accidentally shot by a man aiming at a squirrel. See how wily these fuzzy jihadists are? That's rodent-style IEDs. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on my resident squirrels from now on. If my money disappears, my identity gets assumed, tunnels appear in my back yard, or my car is stolen, I'll know where to direct the FBI, Homeland Security, the Secret Service, ATF, and the U.S. Marshals. And FEMA.

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The pirate ship TWISTED LINGUISTICS hoisted its Jolly Dictionary today and set sail to net all the Words Gone Wild it could find. This motley crew was brought back for keelhauling.

ante-climaxtic conclusion - Premature pontification.

hiunting bud - Bunting your karate partner.

Defend your principals - Why school children are taught martial arts.

the lare window - Duh. It's the hole in the dyslexic wolf's wall.

seeing he plummet - Him fall down, go boom.





You Are 78% Real


You know who you are, and you're pretty darn comfortable with yourself.
Like everyone, you struggle with the parts of yourself that aren't so great...
But you're good at accepting who you are and not dwelling on your faults.
As a result, you're confident, optimistic, and very real.


45 comments:

MONA said...

LOL! that is indeed a lot of squirrels gone berserk and carnivorous!

I bet they have been making some acorn perfume in France! Both Eu de toilette & pour Homme.. nothing else explains their pull to humans!

& we have to deal the same monkey menace here. they come in teams & attack us. & monkey being one of the Hindu Gods are not even allowed to be hit, or there shall be a communal riot {Human} They tear our washings, & unrobe our trees of the fruits! & steal our belongings & bite too!

& they said I was 83% real :D

Charles said...

Don't tell Mike Minzes about this. He's been fighting an organized contingent of animals behind his home. Damned Jihads. How does religion get so twisted?

Top cat said...

Homeland Security has asked people to be alert and vigilant.We can be thankful for citizens like you serena for being aware and alert.
Thank you

You Are 86% Real

There's hardly a person on this earth more real than you are.
You have no problem showing people who you are, flaws and all.
For you, there couldn't be any other way. Because it's way too stressful to live an inauthentic life.
You're very comfortable with yourself. And because of this, you're able to live an exciting, interesting, and challenging life.

Charles said...

Darn, TC got me by one percentage point in how real we are. Cats are so competitive.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, Lord, Mona, squirrels are bad enough. I can't imagine having to fend off wild monkeys (and monkey bites), too.:)

I don't know how these things get so twisted, Charles, but it's a conspiracy, I'm telling you. The monkeys passed the word to their brothers, the squirrels, and the squirrels will tell their brethren chipmunks and beavers and weasels. Now they all have tiny little Uzis. None of us will be safe on the streets.

You're very welcome, TC. I felt like it was my patriotic duty to issue a Red Alert since nobody at Homeland Security could figure out which button to press.

Wow, you are really real. You, too, Charles.:)

Kanrei said...

Secure the nuts because evolution has gone mad. Chip and Dale will overtake the world!! Ok, C and D are chipmunks and/or strippers, but still... I can't think of any cartoon squirrels except "Slappy" and I am not sure how many of you know Animaniacs.

PS-Blogger sucks. I know you know, but you might have forgotten.

Charles said...

Kan,
How about Secret Squirrel? He may be our deliverance from this quandary we're in, that is if they will let him grow his whiskers to blend in with the jihadi's. That and he'll need to get rid of that silly hat.

Kanrei said...

Can't talk about him...he's undercover. Let's hope you didn't just blow it for him... =D

Charles said...

Is it just coincidence that Squirrel Jihad and Serena Joy, both share the initials, SJ?

Serena Joy said...

Oh, goody, Kan! I get to be in charge of nuts?

YES, Blogger sucks. What's it doing to you today?

Charles, I think we ought to let SS keep his silly hat. That way, we'll know which one he is.

The initials are strictly coincidence. SJ stands for Shooting's Justifiable, of course.:-)

Kanrei said...

Today it is not letting me get rid of the "Read More" without also losing EVERYTHING but my posts. I get to have a pointless link or no links. Blogger sucks.

Sling said...

I love squirrel's!
Cut into strips,salted,and dried in the Summer sun,they make excellent jerky.
..little bastards.

Charles said...

(shaking head, snickering)

Serena Joy said...

Deep breaths, Kan. Ohm-shakalaka-blogger sucks. Ohm-shakalaka-damn-blogger sucks. OHMMMMM.

I don't know if I could stomach squirrel jerky, Sling, but I'll be glad to ship you some raw material to make more.:)

Stop that snickering, Charles. I could mistake you for a squirrel.:-)

Charles said...

SJ,
Do me a favor, and take this Writers test. I don't quite understand that it tells me I scored over 99% on Writing Quality & Writing style in comparison to others my age and gender, yet the top says "65% Quality and 52% Style!" I don't get it.

The Are You a Writer Test

Your Score: Major Geek
65% Quality and 52% Style!

You are into science fiction. Advanced Technology is your thing, particularly when you're out writing the destruction of people. You've got a very analytical mind and tend to focus on the science of writing, the technique. You're probably very good at technical writing, at essay writing, but creatively you're a little less confident. Your style is absolutely wonderful when applied to some of the less typical genres - Mystery, Horror and the Classics are where you most excell. Sci-fi may be interesting to you, but you should avoid it and work on improving where you can, the more clear-cut and to the point, the better.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 99% on Writing Quality
You scored higher than 99% on Writing Style

Serena Joy said...

I took the test, Charles, though I have to admit I've lost my writing groove lately. I scored thusly:

64% Quality and 55% Style!
You are into science fiction. Advanced Technology is your thing, particularly when you're out writing the destruction of people. You've got a very analytical mind and tend to focus on the science of writing, the technique. You're probably very good at technical writing, at essay writing, but creatively you're a little less confident. Your style is absolutely wonderful when applied to some of the less typical genres - Mystery, Horror and the Classics are where you most excell. Sci-fi may be interesting to you, but you should avoid it and work on improving where you can, the more clear-cut and to the point, the better.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Writing Quality

You scored higher than 99% on Writing Style

Roxan said...

***You Are 79% Real***


You know who you are, and you're pretty darn comfortable with yourself.
Like everyone, you struggle with the parts of yourself that aren't so great...
But you're good at accepting who you are and not dwelling on your faults.
As a result, you're confident, optimistic, and very real.

The squirrels are coming. Help me. LOL

Charles said...

So what do you think? The bottom isn't working correctly or the top isn't? Or am I just not cut out for my chosen genre? Who the he__ are these people? Maybe they write Sci-fi and are trying to knock competition out. }:>D>
Evil bastids.

Serena Joy said...

There's still time to join the Resistance, Roxan. With a big enough posse, we can stop the flea-bitten little buggers in their tracks. We have to hurry, though, before GWB declares war and deploys troops.:)

Serena Joy said...

I'm not sure, Charles, except that it's obviously too generalized. I don't write SciFi, would not even attempt to do so since I know nothing about it. I prefer writing about bloody murder -- which I swear I also have no personal knowledge of.

Charles said...

Further proof, just in case you considered it, they tell you, you're not good for it. Evil, I tell you. They're just evil.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Charles. Why don't we give the Squirrel Squad their name and address?:)

Charles said...

Yeah, do that, and I'll get the beaver lodge onto them, too. We'll get all the rodent species on them. Those bastids are gonna pay. Pay, I tell you. Yeah.

Serena Joy said...

Generalissimo Serena likes your attitude, Charles. Since this here army needs conscripts if we're going to invade and bring democracy to the Renegade Rodents, you in the Army now, boy.:-)

Little Lamb said...

You have to watch out for those squirrels. I'm 51% real.

Serena Joy said...

That's real enough, Lamby. BTW, do lambs have any tips for dealing with the squirrels? Do you think that suicide fire sheep thing would work?:-)

Little Lamb said...

Yes, I do, but instead of a suicide lamb you should get a suicide squirrel.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, yeah, that makes sense, Lamby. I guess I was thinking squirrels might be scared of sheep, but I'll bet they'd be even more scared of flaming squirrels.:)

G-Man said...

Serena and Charles..
I heard that Al Qaeda is promising every suicidal Squirrel's family their very own Oak Tree..No sharing!!!
And upon arival in Heaven, they will be greeted by 69 Virgin Red Squirrels...Really!!! Really!!

Serena Joy...?
I am 100% REAL!!!
(except to the IRS)
xoxbgxoxoxbgxoxoxbgxoxox

Serena Joy said...

"Duh!" she said, slapping herself in the head so hard she knocked herself out. (I'm back now. I think.) I don't know why I didn't think of that, Galen. Of course! The red virgins will get them every time.

Oh, yeah, babe, you're 100% real. I did NOT hear that from one of those dipshit squirrels, whose word I never believe, either. And psssst, I'm trying to intercept all their secret communiques to the IRS. Don't worry, if worse comes to worst, IRS agents are also susceptible to the lure of those squirrelly red virgins.
xoxbdxoxbd

G-Man said...

Thats the fallacy of the whole idea...There are NO RED VIRGINS!!!
Dumb shit squirrels....
...oooooops, sorry SJ.
xoxbgxoxoxoxbgxoxoxbgxoxo

Serena Joy said...

Squirrels don't know that, G. Little dumbshits will believe anything you tell them.:-)
xoxbdxoxbdxox

Corn Dog said...

I am unreal.

We have a squirrel around here that all the neighbors and I call, "Big Red." He has testicles as big as croquet balls. The neighbor 2 doors down saw him beat up a cat one day.

pinkhippo said...

I like squirrels. By looking at them, no one knows that they can create so much trouble.

This makes me believe that we cannot judge a book by its cover.

Serena Joy said...

LMAO, CD! I just about offed myself snorting coffee out my nose. My squirrels are pretty cute, but puny. I'd love to get a look at the cat-beating Big Red. Sounds like he really is a terrorist.:-)

I like them, too, PH. But trust me, the cuteness is camouflage. They're plotting.:-)

MONA said...

how are the SJ s doing today Serena?

& those reality tests.. are they real?...they told me the same thing as they told TC

& they told me that I was an 'alluring creative' 69% on quality & 79% on style
& then scoring higher than 75% on quality & 89 % on style comparitively

Serena Joy said...

Hi, Mona! The SJs are good to go this morning, in rare good form. LOL.

The tests? Take them with a grain of salt. They miss the mark more often than they hit it.:)

Charles said...

SJ,
Heck, I feel like that test hit me and left a mark.

Serena Joy said...

I wouldn't worry about it, Charles. I think they're just trying to scare us and hope we don't try to write any SciFi.:)

snowelf said...

Serena,

omg, by far, one of my favorite posts EVER!!!!

And I was going to say the SAME thing about MikeM that Charles did!!

rofl!!

--snow

Serena Joy said...

Thank you, Snow. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And listen, if you have any Al-Squirrelqaeda hunting skills, be sure and sign up for the task force.:)

Hale McKay said...

Seeing that "Bullwinkle" has been showing up in the backyards and streets of New Egland quite frequently, maybe we can ask him to contact his little buddy, Rocky, to fly some reconnoitering missions to keep tabs on Al-Squirrelqaeda.

LOL @ "premature pontification."

Serena Joy said...

I think Rocky would be perfect for the job, Mike.

LOL @ "premature pontification."

I knew you would.:-)

Liz said...

Those are amazing squirrels! But I know the answer: love.

Get them bonking and they forget everything else. i know this for a fact after two fell out of a tree mid-dalliance just in front of me. Talk about coitus interruptus.

Serena Joy said...

Liz, I believe that would be squirrelus interruptus. LOL! Maybe the little buggers will bonk themselves right out of their revolutionary zeal.:-)