Are squirrels fomenting rebellion? Is there a squirrel jihad being covertly organized? I swear to you, I haven't lost my mind. Read on!
Rebel squirrels in suburban Chicago are being blamed for setting a home on fire -- twice in eight days. Apparently, by jumping from one wire to the next, the furry little revolutionaries transferred enough power to ignite the blaze. The local fire chief blames the power company for not properly maintaining lines and chalks it up to accidental causes, but I have my doubts. They might look cute with their bushy tails and beady little eyes, but don't be fooled by their innocent sounding chatter. It's subterfuge, I tell you. A smokescreen. The little tree rats are plotting even as we speak.
A militant squirrel in Berlin attacked three people without provocation. First, it broke into the home of an elderly woman (probably looking for money to finance the cause) and bit her on the hand, whereupon she ran into the street with the squirrel hanging from her hand and shook it off. The criminally minded rodent then fled to a construction site (probably looking for equipment to use in the insurrection) and bit a man twice before he fought it off. The rampage ended when the squirrel bit an elderly man three times before he killed it with his crutch. And one squirrelly Sith bites the dust.
Squirrel insurgents in Wisconsin have been stealing miniature American flags from veterans' graves. Cemetery workers report finding shredded flags being used as bedding in tree hollows on the grounds. Ha! That's what they want us to think. Bunkers is what they are building, the insidious little dissidents. They might tell you they're hoarding nuts for the winter in there, but I'll bet you they're stockpiling WMD. God help us when GWB hears about this.
A squirrel in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania, knocked out power to about 1,500 residents by causing a surge in the electrical system. The surge tripped a transformer switch that shut off power for about an hour. Duh. Terrorists always attack the power grid if they get half a chance. Somebody should call Dick Cheney and tell him these Tailiban squirrels are lawyers.
A tree worker in Burlington, Vermont, was cutting branches away from power lines when he was accidentally shot by a man aiming at a squirrel. See how wily these fuzzy jihadists are? That's rodent-style IEDs. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on my resident squirrels from now on. If my money disappears, my identity gets assumed, tunnels appear in my back yard, or my car is stolen, I'll know where to direct the FBI, Homeland Security, the Secret Service, ATF, and the U.S. Marshals. And FEMA.
The pirate ship TWISTED LINGUISTICS hoisted its Jolly Dictionary today and set sail to net all the Words Gone Wild it could find. This motley crew was brought back for keelhauling.
ante-climaxtic conclusion - Premature pontification.
hiunting bud - Bunting your karate partner.
Defend your principals - Why school children are taught martial arts.
the lare window - Duh. It's the hole in the dyslexic wolf's wall.
seeing he plummet - Him fall down, go boom.
|You Are 78% Real|
You know who you are, and you're pretty darn comfortable with yourself.
Like everyone, you struggle with the parts of yourself that aren't so great...
But you're good at accepting who you are and not dwelling on your faults.
As a result, you're confident, optimistic, and very real.