First Aid...

...for the home front.



I keep on hand a handy-dandy First Aid kit which can handle just about any household emergency.

My House-Aid kit contains

- Duct tape
- A table knife
- A paring knife
- Rubber gloves
- Small can of machine oil
- Big can of bug spray
- A good supply of economy-size garbage bags
- A light-weight hammer
- A nice screwdriver (which I keep hidden in my lingerie drawer)
- A drawer full of batteries
and
- And a big box of wooden kitchen matches

The duct tape has a myriad of uses. I always laugh when I see somebody talking about "duck tape" and think how very cool it would be if somebody could invent waddling, quacking tape. Wouldn't it be great to be amused at the same time you're cussing like a sailor trying to make a broken thing no longer broken? But I digress. I duct tape dangling stuff to get it up out of the way. And I duct tape fraying electrical cords until I can go buy some electrical tape. I amaze myself at how many times I haven't been electrocuted. If a piece falls off of something, why, duct tape it back on, silly. When cheap crap falls apart, duct tape is the answer. I've also been known to duct tape shut things that I don't want anyone getting into. I'd like to tape some other things shut, like particularly loud mouths, but it's hard to get them to sit still.

I've found that table knives make great screwdrivers when there's not a real one handy. I can't tell you how many home repairs I've made using a butter knife or dinner knife. When you need to get something open, which is just about everything you buy these days, a paring knife is your best bet. I hate those sealed-in-hell plastic packages. Whoever invented it should be sealed in eternal flames. My technique for breaking into these is to stab the packaging in several different places. Once you get a good wound pattern going, you can then attack the slits with scissors and have the damn thing open in about fifteen minutes. Do not use your table knife for self-defense; you'll just irritate your attacker and an irritated attacker is an angry, meaner attacker. I recommend a bread knife, butcher knife, or meat cleaver for that.

The rubber gloves are a must for certain distasteful chores, like picking up stuff a spouse has gunked up and carting it to the trash. I've nearly gone broke once or twice buying them in bulk, because it takes a lot of them. I especially like those bright yellow ones, the ones labeled "dishwashing" gloves. Of course, I'd never waste my gloves on washing dishes.

Sometimes the locks on my old doors warp, expand, contract, or otherwise won't freakin' open. Dunking the key in machine oil and then jamming it in the lock does the trick. The oil also works well on every other stubborn item that won't turn, open, or budge. I used to squirt it all over my demonic window sashes that I had to move heaven and earth to raise/lower -- until we got new windows.

The bug spray sort of serves as my Excalibur. When I trip a circuit and there's nobody else to send to the rescue, I have to go down in the cellar and stare at the box trying to intuit which one I blew out. Miss Cleo, I am not. (And thank God. Isn't she in jail?) I inch my way down the dark and spooky stairs, holding the Raid can out in front of me like a talisman. You never know, after all, when you might be attacked on the stairs. I don't like cellars in the best of circumstances, and I know there are spiders in mine, so I always give the utility boxes a good spray for luck before I'll go near them. If it's a fuse I've blown, I don't bother. I don't know where the fuse box is, and I wouldn't know how to change one if I did.

I kill AA batteries -- first degree, albeit unpremeditated -- like nobody's business. Or maybe they're committing suicide. I don't know. All I know is that they don't last anywhere near the time they're guaranteed to. Inexplicably, AAAs, Cs, and Ds don't suffer the same fate. It's therefore imperative that I buy an 8-pack of AAs every time I go to the store. One entire drawer in my kitchen is dubbed The Battery Drawer.

The garbage bags come into play when I'm home alone. That's when I sweep through like Sherman marching through Georgia grabbing junk out of closets, icky stuff out of the refrigerator, arcane (and archaic) stuff from the cupboards, real junk from the junk drawers, etc., stuff it all in the bags, and run it out to the garbage bin. So far, nobody's ever missed any of it, but they raise hell if they see me removing one little bit of it.

The hammer is, of course, self-explanatory. Some hammers are just too heavy for me, and I'm not even talking about sledge hammers. It's damn hard hammering nails with the butt end of a table knife, and the heft of the meat hammer just isn't quite right, so I bought myself a nice little light-weight hammer which I keep in my lingerie drawer along with the very nice all-purpose screwdriver that I don't want anybody to steal.

And what are the matches for? When something's really pissing me off to the point I can't stand the sight of it any more, I shove it in the fireplace (or on the grill in the summer) and make burnt offerings. I don't know that it appeases any of the gods, but it gets the crap out of my sight.

The TWISTED LINGUISTICS patrol arrested these criminally minded Words Gone Wild today.

steriods - Steroids you buy on street corners under cover of darkness.

duaghter - A girl child with multiple personality disorder.

bumbs - A battered behind.

terriorists - Bouncy little dogs who frighten people.

cuttnig - The sound the cash register in a hair salon makes.

alwayst - Waste everybody.

Speado - Something we never, ever, ever (and I mean never) want to see.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test