Tuesday, July 17, 2007

First Aid...

...for the home front.

Click to get cool Animations for your MySpace profile

I keep on hand a handy-dandy First Aid kit which can handle just about any household emergency.

My House-Aid kit contains

- Duct tape
- A table knife
- A paring knife
- Rubber gloves
- Small can of machine oil
- Big can of bug spray
- A good supply of economy-size garbage bags
- A light-weight hammer
- A nice screwdriver (which I keep hidden in my lingerie drawer)
- A drawer full of batteries
and
- And a big box of wooden kitchen matches

The duct tape has a myriad of uses. I always laugh when I see somebody talking about "duck tape" and think how very cool it would be if somebody could invent waddling, quacking tape. Wouldn't it be great to be amused at the same time you're cussing like a sailor trying to make a broken thing no longer broken? But I digress. I duct tape dangling stuff to get it up out of the way. And I duct tape fraying electrical cords until I can go buy some electrical tape. I amaze myself at how many times I haven't been electrocuted. If a piece falls off of something, why, duct tape it back on, silly. When cheap crap falls apart, duct tape is the answer. I've also been known to duct tape shut things that I don't want anyone getting into. I'd like to tape some other things shut, like particularly loud mouths, but it's hard to get them to sit still.

I've found that table knives make great screwdrivers when there's not a real one handy. I can't tell you how many home repairs I've made using a butter knife or dinner knife. When you need to get something open, which is just about everything you buy these days, a paring knife is your best bet. I hate those sealed-in-hell plastic packages. Whoever invented it should be sealed in eternal flames. My technique for breaking into these is to stab the packaging in several different places. Once you get a good wound pattern going, you can then attack the slits with scissors and have the damn thing open in about fifteen minutes. Do not use your table knife for self-defense; you'll just irritate your attacker and an irritated attacker is an angry, meaner attacker. I recommend a bread knife, butcher knife, or meat cleaver for that.

The rubber gloves are a must for certain distasteful chores, like picking up stuff a spouse has gunked up and carting it to the trash. I've nearly gone broke once or twice buying them in bulk, because it takes a lot of them. I especially like those bright yellow ones, the ones labeled "dishwashing" gloves. Of course, I'd never waste my gloves on washing dishes.

Sometimes the locks on my old doors warp, expand, contract, or otherwise won't freakin' open. Dunking the key in machine oil and then jamming it in the lock does the trick. The oil also works well on every other stubborn item that won't turn, open, or budge. I used to squirt it all over my demonic window sashes that I had to move heaven and earth to raise/lower -- until we got new windows.

The bug spray sort of serves as my Excalibur. When I trip a circuit and there's nobody else to send to the rescue, I have to go down in the cellar and stare at the box trying to intuit which one I blew out. Miss Cleo, I am not. (And thank God. Isn't she in jail?) I inch my way down the dark and spooky stairs, holding the Raid can out in front of me like a talisman. You never know, after all, when you might be attacked on the stairs. I don't like cellars in the best of circumstances, and I know there are spiders in mine, so I always give the utility boxes a good spray for luck before I'll go near them. If it's a fuse I've blown, I don't bother. I don't know where the fuse box is, and I wouldn't know how to change one if I did.

I kill AA batteries -- first degree, albeit unpremeditated -- like nobody's business. Or maybe they're committing suicide. I don't know. All I know is that they don't last anywhere near the time they're guaranteed to. Inexplicably, AAAs, Cs, and Ds don't suffer the same fate. It's therefore imperative that I buy an 8-pack of AAs every time I go to the store. One entire drawer in my kitchen is dubbed The Battery Drawer.

The garbage bags come into play when I'm home alone. That's when I sweep through like Sherman marching through Georgia grabbing junk out of closets, icky stuff out of the refrigerator, arcane (and archaic) stuff from the cupboards, real junk from the junk drawers, etc., stuff it all in the bags, and run it out to the garbage bin. So far, nobody's ever missed any of it, but they raise hell if they see me removing one little bit of it.

The hammer is, of course, self-explanatory. Some hammers are just too heavy for me, and I'm not even talking about sledge hammers. It's damn hard hammering nails with the butt end of a table knife, and the heft of the meat hammer just isn't quite right, so I bought myself a nice little light-weight hammer which I keep in my lingerie drawer along with the very nice all-purpose screwdriver that I don't want anybody to steal.

And what are the matches for? When something's really pissing me off to the point I can't stand the sight of it any more, I shove it in the fireplace (or on the grill in the summer) and make burnt offerings. I don't know that it appeases any of the gods, but it gets the crap out of my sight.

The TWISTED LINGUISTICS patrol arrested these criminally minded Words Gone Wild today.

steriods - Steroids you buy on street corners under cover of darkness.

duaghter - A girl child with multiple personality disorder.

bumbs - A battered behind.

terriorists - Bouncy little dogs who frighten people.

cuttnig - The sound the cash register in a hair salon makes.

alwayst - Waste everybody.

Speado - Something we never, ever, ever (and I mean never) want to see.





Your Five Factor Personality Profile


Extroversion:
You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."
Conscientiousness:
You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
Agreeableness:
You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.


38 comments:

G-Man said...

I can tell you this Serena....
After all that talk about Rubber Gloves, stuff in your lingerae drawer, and batteries, I could use one of those Kitchen Matches to light a cigarette...Very Nice!

BTW, I took your "little" personality test, all it said was.....
What an A-Hole!

Have a nice day!!
xoxoxbgxoxoxbgxoxox

Serena Joy said...

LOL, G. Just be careful. I haven't lit cigarettes with those long matches since that time I set my hair on fire.:-) I do NOT believe the test told you that. If it did, I'm duct taping it before it can insult anybody else.

Have a great day!
xoxbdxoxbdxoxo

Charles said...

Gee, SJ,

That really does sound more like a wet works kit.

As far as your 5 factors results, it looks like, if you didn't bungee jump and skateboard the half pipe, you'd just be mediocre. ;)

Charles said...

So how many households have you "repaired"?

Roxan said...

***Your Five Factor Personality Profile***


Extroversion:

You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Pretty true except the trust part. Takes time to earn my trust and once you break it there's no way to get it back.

Serena Joy said...

You may have a point there, Charles. The up side is that as long as you can duct tape it, you don't have to resort to wet work.:)

You don't want to know how many households I've repaired. LOL.

Serena Joy said...

Trust is a big issue with me, too, Roxan. It's really hard to duct tape broken trust, too.:)

MONA said...

Duct tapes are for all that?
& I thought they were used to tape SOMEONE to their chair when they were bouncing too much...

I have all those you have plus dosens of light bulbs, plugs & sockets, wiring, tubelights, hardware which include taps [ yes taps as in the kitchen sink & bathrooms] door bolts, door stoppers, cockroach sprays, mosquito sprays, & god knows what all! yikes! I guess I have a junk yard!!
& then you wont believe this, I have a tube well, an electricity generator, an electricity inverter too.LOL I must fix the invertor to my computer though so as to have an uninterruped service which gets dispupted due to frequent power failures!
& yes I have to store huge barrels of Deisel to be able to run my electricity generator & mobile oil too!

Pink said...

hmmm

I keep maxi pads and vodka in my first aid kit.

don't ask.
xx
pinks

Serena Joy said...

Pinks, I duct tape the maxi pads over the holes I've hammered in the walls and then I turn to my First Aid kit for the vodka. So, like, what do you do with yours? You KNEW I was going to ask.:-)

Mona, ideally the tape is great for keeping annoying victims secured and quiet. Alas, they have laws against that here so we just have to make do. I'm really glad I don't have to worry about all that electrical equipment. I'd probably have Don King hair from the constant jolts. Fuel storage, generators, inverters, converters -- I don't know how you do all that! My hat is off to you.

Charles said...

Extroversion:

You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

I don't goof off on time I'm being paid for, though. I'm conscientious about that. On my time, goofing off is what I do best.

Top cat said...

Actually the term duct tape or duck tape are interchangeable.
Duck tape is a manufacturer of duct tape.
http://www.duckproducts.com/
It's similar to how we use the word xerox for copying when in fact it could be any copier doing the copying.

I like your handyperson's kit, it show resourcefulness and ingenuity.
tc

Charles said...

I'll have to call TC on that one. Sorry, bud. I will direct your attention to the Duck Tape's own Company History. Duct tape was in existence for some 30 years before the brand "Duck Tape" came out. Having a formerly been a member of SMWIA, Local 57 then 15, it irks me to hear the words "Duck Tape" when there is no intent or even knowledge of the existence of said company. Besides, that brand isn't even one of the better ones, there is much better quality tapes out there.

MONA said...

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have high neuroticism.
It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.
You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.
You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

This sounds so true!!

Serena Joy said...

So far, Charles and Mona, the test results are showing that we're a pretty nice, reasonably normal bunch of people.:)

TC, somebody already invented Duck tape? Cool! I must get some. I'm not sure about resourcefulness, but necessity is the mother of invention, which I guess takes a little bit of ingenuity.:-)

Scary Monster said...

Me likes yer survival kit especially the gloves. Me gonna run out tomorrow and see iffin me cant find a pair for meself. will put them on and pretend to be a maniacal surgeon looking for a brain transplant patient. since you don't include any needle and thread, me will have to just use the duct tape to seal all incisions.

STOMP.

Kanrei said...

Serena MacGyver Joy. All I know is next big storm I am coming to your house. You got the supplies and the know-how. My kit is a radio, flashlight, and one can of soup. I am not great at being prepared.

Since when is it not "duck tape?" Seriously though, duck tape does make sense if you consider keeping things water tight like a duck's butt. Why am I thinking of a duck's butt anyway?

Kanrei said...

Extroversion:

You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have high neuroticism.
It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.
You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.
You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Wow!

Serena Joy said...

Scary, if you get those nice yellow gloves, you can wash up your surgical instruments after the procedure. Multi-tasking is a good thing. Listen, if that transplant thing goes okay, i.e., you don't kill the patient and he seems halfway normal afterwards, please put me on the transplant list.:)

Come on, Kan. I've got lots of soup and a fireplace to cook it in. Better bring your own flashlight batteries, though, just in case.

Why am I thinking of a duck's butt anyway?

I don't know, dear, but I am seriously worried about you. This could explain why my matchmaking efforts never work.:-)

Top cat said...

charles..you have way toooo much information my learned friend.lol My point was how words become part of our language whether they deserve to be or not.
tc
You quack me up.:)

Charles said...

TC,
I guess I'm a bit on the anal retentive side. Thanks for the understanding.

snowelf said...

Serena!! You had me ROLLING!! I have all of these very same things in my "house aid kit" too. Except I don't have any duct tape--but the paring knife and can of Raid--are necessities--as you could tell by my bee story of late! I killed another one of those little suckers today!

--snow

Serena Joy said...

Hey, Snow! If you get some duct tape and keep it with your Raid and your knife, you'll be one of the Xena Girls, ready for anything.:)

My Lord, the bees are still coming out?! I hope that one was the last of them. Better buy more Raid, just in case.

puerileuwaite said...

Strangely enough, when the cops spotted the same thing in my trunk, they called it a "Burglar Kit". Sexists!

Serena Joy said...

That happens sometimes, Puggy, when you take your kit mobile. I only run into problems with male cops, though.:)

Charles said...

Maxi pads and vodka would be good for a GSW.

Hale McKay said...

THat's quite a Honey-Do kit you have there, Serena.

Curious, I have the same problem regarding batteries - AAs do not seem to have the same life expectancy of all the other sizes. (I won't speculate what uses some have for AAs.)

Spot on - butter knife as substitute screw driver.

Steak knives are great for opening those things sealed in plastic.

But those electronic things come in those theft-proof plastic shells - I pull out my handy-dandy box cutter.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, yes, Charles, they're very good for that. I don't, however, usually provide first aid to my victims. I like to keep extra vodka on hand in case of snakebite, too.:)

Yes, Mike, it's best not to speculate on the AA usage. We all have our little peccadilloes.:-)

Box cutters do work well on those plastic shells. I'm not allowed REALLY sharp objects, though.

Seeley deBorn said...

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. (BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA)
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

****

I have three kinds of caulk in mine.

Serena Joy said...

Ooooo, Seeley - caulk. Yes! Caulk is good stuff. You can use it for lots of stuff. I've even used it for glue in a pinch.:)

Charles said...

People do get shot accidentally, and even if you have a gun, it doesn't mean you can't get shot, it probably makes it more likely. You implied you don't do wet work. Hmmm...

Lee said...

That sounds like my first aid box...except I don't have any rubber gloves, machine oil, large garbage bags or matches. I do , however, have a couple of cigarette lighters and a packet of band-aids!

Serena Joy said...

This is true, Charles. I think I should buy extra vodka.

Lighters and Band-Aids are essential to good kits, Lee, but you still need the tools and the gloves. And vodka.:-)

tfg said...

Hey! I keep all the same items in the "naughty" drawer in my bedroom.

Serena Joy said...

I never thought of keeping a "naughty" drawer, T, but it's an idea. You know, just in case Orlando Bloom breaks into my house.:-)

leelee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leelee said...

There is a new product out (perhaps it's not that new, but it's new to me Gorilla Glue, this stuff BONDS anything..for life..

Don't forget 3 in 1 oil and my other fav...goo gone.

PS: I have my own tool box AND socket set..

One of the best memories in life was going to the local hardware store with my Dad on a Saturday. I like how you could buy nails by the pound and they put them in little paper bags.
The floors were wood and they creaked, it always smelled like fertilizer and wood.

Those are really fond memories..thanks for tickling them out of their hiding place in my head.

HUGS!!

Serena Joy said...

I've never heard of Gorilla Glue, Leelee. I'll have to get some since glue sometimes works better than duct tape or nails.:)

I remember those old stores with the creaky wood floors. I love it every time I walk into one nowadays, although they're getting fewer and far between.