Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Bastardizing Shakespeare, Redux

I'm in the mood to pervert a little more Shakespeare. Are you game? I already know you can do it. You've done it before -- and done it very, very well. Avast! You dare not leave before showing us your stuff.

To start things off:

Original: "Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have
Immortal longings in me.
~ Antony and Cleopatra (V, ii, 282-283)

Nouveau: Hurry! Get dressed and get out of here! My husband's home.

Original: "A plague o' both your houses!"
~ Romeo and Juliet (III, i, 94)

Nouveau: You and yo mama can both eat dirt and die, jerkface!

Original: "O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!"
~ Hamlet (I, v, 106)

Nouveau: You might stand there grinning innocently like the village idiot, but I know you did it!

Original: "Is this a dagger which I see before me..."
~ Macbeth (II, i, 33)

Nouveau: ...Or are you just happy to see me?

We're also playing down and dirty with a few Words Gone Wild today.

publised - Picking nits out of your hair in public.

funnest - The bestest, most happiest place to be.

fairloy - I believe this may be an oblique reference to nice looking loins.

And these offerings from our esteemed "editor" person:

vise versa

You know, this person claims to actually make money editing. Just think how much someone who can actually spell English words could potentially make. I'm seriously thinking of going into the editing business myself. I've taken on a few clients on a one-time, freelance basis in the past. I just may try it again on a serious basis.

The Grunt has tagged me, to which I will attempt to have a response tomorrow. And dear Grunt, I will get you back, my pretty.

Tomorrow: Round 2 in court with the Neighbors From Hell. Joy, joy. Today, I have a little big moon hangover. It's no big deal, really, but it might be as well if it's gone by then.

And I forget
Just what it takes
And yet I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
It's hard to find
Oh well, whatever, never mind

I wish Kurt Cobain were still around. He got this stuff.

Your Mood is a 9

It's hard to imagine feeling much better than you do right now. Life is pretty great.


Charles said...

Oh goody, these are fun.

Kanrei said...

HAMLET: To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub.

Nouveau: I even must practice "self-love" in my dreams.

TAMING OF THE SHREW:I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace,
Or seek for rule, supremacy, and sway
When they are bound to serve, love, and obey."

Nouveau: Yes Dear.

Charles said...

Much Ado about Nothing

Act I. Scene I.

Leon. I learn in this letter that Don Pedro of Arragon comes this night to Messina.
"Don's doing Messina"

Mess. He is very near by this: he was not three leagues off when I left him.
"He's done lots of women."

Leon. How many gentlemen have you lost in this action?
"How many of these guys weren't dogs before?"

Mess. But few of any sort, and none of name.
"Most weren't gentlemen to start with."

Leon. A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full numbers. I find here that Don Pedro hath bestowed much honour on a young Florentine called Claudio.
"They usually enjoy their orgies. Now Don's going Bi with a guy named Claudio."

Charles said...

Leon. He hath an uncle here in Messina will be very much glad of it.
"His uncle's gay."

Mess. I have already delivered him letters, and there appears much joy in him; even so much that joy could not show itself modest enough without a badge of bitterness.
"He's had a lot of boys; he likes it, but wishes he was the first."

Leon. Did he break out into tears?
"Was happy enough that he cried?"

Mess. In great measure.
"That bitch cried like a baby."

Leon. A kind overflow of kindness. There are no faces truer than those that are so washed: how much better is it to weep at joy than to joy at weeping!
"What a queer. There's nothing as gay as gay bukake: I guess its better he's happy."

Serena Joy said...

Nouveau: Yes Dear.

Ahh, Kan, that's what I like to hear. Why,
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,
That breathes upon a bank of violets...

Twelfth Night (1.1.1-16)

I just might have to adopt you.:-)

I just adore your vivisection of Hamlet. LMAO!

Charles, you're having a lot of fun with this, aren't you? I love your Don & Mess! I'm sure there's plenty more trouble they can get into.:-)

Serena Joy said...

Oh, yeah, Charles, you ARE having fun. Keep 'em coming.:)

Kanrei said...

I wish I knew more Willie. I am very limited as a result of being a rebellious English major who insisted Willie stole his work. Now that there finally seems to be a purpose to knowing it I come up lacking.

Kanrei said...

Cheating now to find some (thank you Google).

ORIGINAL:"The elements be kind to thee, and make thy spirits all of comfort: fare thee well !"

Ant & Cleo, Act iii, Sc.2

Noveau: Dude! Are you too stoned or too drunk? Either way, you're out!"

Serena Joy said...

Oh, good one, Kan. And here's a cheating tip for you: Google for shakespeare+quotes. There are umpteen sites just chock full of them. One of my favorites is a site devoted to Shakespearean insults.:)

Charles said...

Othello, the Moor of Venice
Act I. Scene I.

Rod. Tush! Never tell me; I take it much unkindly
That thou, Iago, who hast had my purse
"ASS! I know; I hate it when you cheap out, when its my money."

As if the strings were thine, shouldst know of this.
"You act like its your money, you know?"

Iago. ’Sblood, but you will not hear me:
"Listen Cuz."

If ever I did dream of such a matter,
Abhor me.
"I can't even imagine its mine. Don't be hatin'."

Rod. Thou told’st me thou didst hold him in thy hate.
"You've told me how you hate that guy."

Iago. Despise me if I do not. Three great ones of the city,
In personal suit to make me his lieutenant,
"Well, screw me. My homey's are watching me."

Off-capp’d to him; and, by the faith of man,
I know my price, I am worth no worse a place;
"My hat's off to him, I know I'm a whore."

But he, as loving his own pride and purposes,
Evades them, with a bombast circumstance
Horribly stuff’d with epithets of war;
"The dudes an egomaniac, he denies it like the ass he is. He'll kill ya."

Charles said...

I use this.

Kanrei said...

Charles is TOO good at this. Entire scenes? Damn!

Anonymous said...

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.


OMG, will this effin day never end???

MONA said...

ROTFLMAO!@ Charles!

Three cheers

Standing ovation!!!

I Love your bastards...:D

Thanks for the link...that is helpful!! :) :)

Kanrei said...

Standing ovaltine?

What does that mean?

MONA said...

Edg. Yet better thus, and known to be contemn’d,
Than still contemn’d and flatter’d. To be worst,
The lowest and most dejected thing of fortune,
Stands still in esperance, lives not in fear:
The lamentable change is from the best;
The worst returns to laughter. Welcome, then,
Thou unsubstantial air that I embrace:
The wretch that thou hast blown unto the worst
Owes nothing to thy blasts.
[King Lear]

FART SPEAK: Its true that I am more contempted over than flattered.
People take me to be the worst & the lowest thing in life, yet I live shamelessly without fear, turning to gas from the best thing called food to the lowest thing called a fart. At the worst they will laugh at me.I am a part of air which is not substantial, the wretched and foul air that you have blown out in the shape of a blast from your bowels; I dont even owe anything to that sound.

MONA said...

Kanrie... that is when you drink ovaltine while you are standing!

Camille Alexa said...

too many to properly keep track of:

"I done tol' you how to stick thet pig umtine times already!"

vise versa
outmoded wrestling move from the 1980s, somewhere between a Half-Nelson and a Sleeper Hold. Has fallen from favour in popular circuits.

snowelf said...

omg... you all are TOO good at this!!
I am totally cracking up over here!


Serena Joy said...

Oh, wow, you guys are on a roll. This stuff is fabulous! Charles, Kan, Mona, Snow -- thanks!

And Camille, thank YOU for the perfect definitions. I love the pig reference. You knew I would. LOL! :-)

Serena Joy said...

Seeley, we ought to get bumper stickers printed up with yours!:-)

G-Man said...

The Tomorrow Soliloquy from Macbeth...

..."Out out brief candle, life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and is heard no more, It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury....Signifying Nothing"!

"Lifes a bitch..Then you die"!!!

Hi Serena!!!!


Serena Joy said...

Ha-ha, Galen. Who told you what's on my family seal? LOL.

Hale McKay said...

Lord, what fools these mortals be! - A Midsummer Night's Dream (Act III, Scene II

They're f**king idiots!

O shame, where is thy blush? - Hamlet (Act III, Scene IV)

You're fly is open!

God has given you one face and you make yourself another. - Hamlet (Act III, Scene II)

Who's your plastic surgeon?

I am a man whom fortune hath cruelly scratched. - All's Well That Ends Well (Act V, Scene II)

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Mrs. Snyder - This is payback for all those excruciating hours in your Literature classes when you tried to teach us this crap!

It is more fun to parody Willie's writings than to take it seriously.

Serena Joy said...

LMAO, Mike. Those are great! And I echo your message to Mrs. Snyder. I love parody.:-)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I have no Shakespeare for you, as my Well of Will has run dry.

Serena Joy said...

It's okay, Greeny. Sometimes one simply doesn't feel like Barding.:)

Corn Dog said...

I was just coming over to ask about the neighbors from hell. Good luck tomorrow. Stand back while I sling a pox on them. "POX on YE neighbors from Hell. Be gone with YE - YE devils from the underworld. Go back from wence ye came which is the insides of a rotted possum."

Yeah. I know. Some heck of a pox, wasn't it? Too tired for Shakespeare tonight. I just typed Sharkspeare. Oh boy.

The Grunt said...

I like it when I get got. Can't wait to wear my ruby slippers!

Serena Joy said...

Thank you for that good curse, CD. I daresay nothing could withstand the curse of the rotted possum. LOL. Alas, there will be no hearing today after all. Color me pissed.

Sharkspeare -- I love it! Gives me an idea, too.:-)

Grunty, Grunty -- don't even think about trying to steal my ruby slippers.:-)

Charles said...

Ruby slippers aren't worth what they used to be. When they made the Wizard of Oz, they were worth quite a bit, but after the advent of synthetic ruby manufacture following the first laser, the price came down. Now if you're so inclined, you can find them on sale at Walmart, $2.99/pair. I only know because G was going on about he had bought himself three pairs. :D

Scary Monster said...

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;
But then begins a journey in my head
To work my mind, when body's work's expired:
For then my thoughts--from far where I abide--
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,

Sorry honey, Me be just too damn tired tonight. All me wants to do is take a bath and fall into bed so Me can get a good nights rest. We'll do the nasty this weekend, promise.

Serena Joy said...

Ahh, but MY ruby slippers are SPECIAL, Charles. I do appreciate the info that I can get spares at Wal-Mart, though. LOL.

That's an excellent bastardization, Scary.:-)

Lee said...

Fun! Fun! Fun! I'm going to have to come back to these when I've got a bit more time to spare! Don't go away!

Serena Joy said...

I'll leave a light on for you, Lee. It's never too late to jump in.:)