Saturday, June 30, 2007

Bastardizing the Bard

Your assignment today is to take a Shakespearean sonnet, couplet, quote -- whatever -- and pervert it into the modern vernacular.

For example, you might rewrite

O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

To read

Yo, girlfriend, you can't blame
Your freaky mood swings on the moon.
You are schizo. Capiche?

Or change

Was ever book containing such vile matter
So fairly bound? O, that deceit should dwell
In such a gorgeous palace!


Have you ever seen such unedited swill printed
On cheap paper with curling cover
As a PublishAmerica book?

You could completely demolish

Come, night; come, Romeo; come, thou day in night.

And make it read

Oh, Romeo, come here, baby -- want to fool around all night long?

You get the idea. Now go find some Shakespeare to trash and let's see what you can do with it. It's Saturday, and it's the full moon. We need all the amusement we can get.


cathy said...

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings."

--From Julius Caesar (I, ii, 140-141)

Horoscopes are for dopes.
If you ain't cruisin'
You is losin'!

(Please don't ever ask me to do anything like this again,it was positively painful - shudders.)

Serena Joy said...

But Cathy, you did so WELL at it!

Anonymous said...

"Now is the winter of our discontent" from King Richard.

Dude I'm totally bummed.

Sorry that's about all you'll get out of my brain


Serena Joy said...

Good enough, TC!

Charles said...

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub; Hamlet

Do the dead dream? Find out.

Charles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles said...

"Was ever book containing such vile matter
So fairly bound? O, that deceit should dwell
In such a gorgeous palace!"

I would have interpreted thusly:
You're pretty, but you're a bitch.

Serena Joy said...

And Charles chimes in with another good one. Good job!

Re the "thingies," I know, there are probably several more. I just haven't had time to go through and hunt them down.

Serena Joy said...

I would have interpreted thusly:
You're pretty, but you're a bitch.

I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that one, but ... you are good.:)

Charles said...

1st one isn't nice either.

G-Man said...

"Out, Out damn spot"...Macbeth

"Fuck! Only Lava with 'real pumice' can clean this shit off"

And I have a great 'private' one for you later..xoxoxox
(don't's nice)

Serena Joy said...

Your first one, Charles, or mine? Faux Shakespeare, of course, usually does end up being not so nice.:)

Galen, you're a mess! But it's okay; you have Lava. You're good at this, too. You should tackle another one.:-)

Charles said...

Mine of course. I'm LMAO at G's.
I forgot and should have said, "Thank You, I couldn't have done it without you."

Lee said...

Romeo! Romeo! Where the F#$%K are you?

ThatGreenyFlower said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ThatGreenyFlower said...

I had to try again to get this right.

From The Tempest:

"Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
Sea-nymphs hourly ring his knell:
Hark! now I hear them - ding-dong, bell."

Dude, your dad is dead. But don't worry--he's pushing up pretty flowers now. ...Hey, do you hear something?

Charles said...

Isn't there a theory that the Bard was actually Francis Bacon, a priest?
After seeing the wordiness, I think he was a woman. ;) No man talks that much.

Anonymous said...

"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."


"Did you like the acid?"

Serena Joy said...

The Bacon rumor persists, Charles. I'm not sure anything will ever be proved.

Lee, you so funny.:-) I think Romeo is with Troilus and Cressida. Their girlfriends are yelling,

"What's become of the wenching rogues? I think they have swallowed one another: I would laugh at that miracle: yet, in a sort, lechery eats itself. I'll seek them."

That's a very good one, Greeny! I love it. Ding-dong.

And Seeley, yours rocks! Totally made me laugh.:-)

MONA said...

"o Romeo Romeo! Where art thou Romeo!"


"Age cannot wither her nor custom stale her infinite variety!"

She is a mummy in king Tut's pyramids

Serena Joy said...

Bravo, Mona! You clearly had some fun with this. LOL.:)

MONA said...

"There's the smell of blood again! All the perfumes from Arabia have not been able to cure it" [ macbeth]

Those bloddy barbarians produce such cheap stuff in Arabia!!

"Frailty Thy name is woman." [ hamlet]

once upon a time they used the term 'frailty' instead of the word 'woman'...

to be or not to be that is the question

is it right to use the verb ' to be' in this context?

Scary Monster said...

"But, for my own part, it was Greek to me". - Julius Caesar Quote (Act I, Scene II).

Yo! Me was in the lock up. It were the only lovin Me could get.

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't." Hamlet quote (Act II, Scene II).

It's crazy, but it just might work!

"How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes!" As You Like It ( Quote Act V, Sc. II).

Did you see the final episode of the Apprentice? Sheeet. Me could have done a better job than that!

Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
Quote from The Tempest. Act i. Scene. 2.

Hey they found Jimmy Hoffa in the Brooklyn sound. He were wearing a cement overcoat. You can bet they're gonna make a movie about this.

The problem with coming late to a party like this be that many of the good quotes are already taken.


tfg said...

"Draw thy tool." --Romeo and Juliet.

It doesn't look like I need to change a thing. As you might imagine, this is the only Shakespeare that I can recall.

Serena Joy said...

Mona, you're having way too much fun with this and rocking the house to great applause. LOL.

Scary mon, maybe some of the good quotes were taken, but you totally rocked the leftovers. Excellent job!

T, you always crack me up. As you say, you remember the important things. It is as you like it. Pssst -- I heard a rumor about that Romeo boy, the one who drew. They say it was much ado about nothing.:)

Diesel said...

Here's another one that needs no updating:

"Better well hung than ill wed."

Serena Joy said...

LMAO, Diesel! Thanks for joining in the bastardization fray.:-)

Hale McKay said...

I think I will not so much rewrite Shakespeare quotes, but translate them.

Hamlet (Act III, Scene II)
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
~~~Nag, nag, nag.

Romeo And Juliet (Act II, Scene II)
Good night, good night! PArting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.
~~~Not tonight. I have a headache.

The Merry Wives of Windsor (Act II, Scene II)
This is the short and the long of it.
~~~Size does matter.

The Merry Wives of Windsor (Act II, Scene I)
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is.
~~~Who the f**k are you?

Julius Caesar (Act II, Scene I)
A dish fit for the gods.
~~~Leftovers again?

Anthony and Cleopatra (Act I, Scene V)
My salad days, when I was green in judgement.
~~~I'd kill for a nice juicy steak.

Taming of the Shrew (Act III, Scene IV)
Out of the jaws of death.
~~~We gotta get a bigger boat.

The Passionate Pilgrim (No.14)
Have you not heard it said oft,
A woman's nay doth stand for naught?

~~~Your lips say no, buy your eyes say yes.

Cymbeline (2.5)
I thought her as chaste as unsunned snow.
~~~She's frigid.

Cymbeline (4.2)
Hang there like fruit, my soul,
Till the tree die.

~~~It's time to get Viagara.

Amazing isn't it, how much of Shakespeare's quotes can be found to be full of innuendos?

Hmmm ... this comment is almost a post unto itself.

Hale McKay said...

Cletus Clyde here. I dun good in skewl when it comes to Willie Spearshake. I dun committed to mem'ry Piglet's swilly-key, uh is it Hamlet? - Ah makes no never mind anyhow. Here goes. (be quiet till I's dun!)

To be, o' not t'be--thet is th' quesshun: Whether 'tis nobler in th' mind t'suffer Th' slin's an' arrows of outrageous fo'tune Or t'take arms aginst a sea of troubles An' by opposin' ind them, dawgone it. To die, t'sleep-- No mo'e--an' by a sleep t'say we ind Th' heartache, an' th' thousan' natural shocks Thet flesh is heir to. 'Tis a cornsummashun Devoutly t'be wished, cuss it all t' tarnation. To die, t'sleep-- To sleep--perchance t'dream: ay, thar's th' rub, Fo' in thet sleep of death whut dreams may come When we haf shuffled off this hyar mo'tal coil, Muss give us pause. Thar's th' respeck Thet makes calamity of so long life. Fo' who'd bar th' whips an' sco'ns of time, Th' oppresso''s wrong, th' proud man's corntoomly Th' pangs of despised love, th' law's delay, Th' insolence of office, an' th' spurns Thet patient merit of th' unwo'thy takes, When he hisse'f might his quietus make Wif a bare bodkin? Who'd fardels bar, To grunt an' sweat unner a wary life, But thet th' dread of sumpin af'er death, Th' undiscovahed country, fum whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles th' will, An' makes us rather bar them ills we haf Than fly t'others thet we knows not of? Thus cornscience does make cowards of us all, An' thus th' native hue of resolushun Is sicklied o'er wif th' pale cast of thunk, An' interprise of great pitch an' moment Wif this hyar regard their currents turn awry An' lose th' name of ackshun. -- Sof' yo' now, Th' fair Ophelia! Fry mah hide! -- Nymph, in thy o'isons Be all mah sins remembered, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Serena Joy said...

Mike, you did a fabulous job! Huge kudos. Speaking of posts, I'm thinking seriously of transferring all these wonderful responses to a Verbicidal Tendencies post.

Serena Joy said...

Mike, I'm not so sure you should have let Cletus out when Shakespeare was playing, but WTF -- that's funny as hell! Cletus is going to have to do a VT post, too.:-)

Hale McKay said...

Even Cletus' rendition of "Piglet"s

Serena Joy said...

I think Cletus should have a separate podium for his swilly-key. Each of us will have one less post to write next week. Two birds, one stone. She can't get the damned spot out, but the weird sister is a practical wench.:-)

Corn Dog said...

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time" Act V, Scene V, Tragedy of MacBeth

My watch need a new battery.

Serena Joy said...

Good one, CD! {{CLAPPING}}