Monday, May 14, 2007

Of Blood and Bedlam

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Things were a bit hectic around here first thing this morning. Warm weekend + restless clients + probably a little (or a lot) alcohol + testosterone OD = a leeeetle bit too much excitement, I suppose. You just know that when you've dumped half a cup of coffee in your lap before 9:30, it's going to be a hell of a day. Thankfully, all the drama and frantically ringing phones died down after about an hour and now I'm frankly a little bit bored. Not that I'm complaining. I don't really feel like jumping in with both feet to deal with other peoples' problems. I'd rather somebody offer to deal with mine. I think my brain is tired. You know how sometimes you feel like you gave a little too much blood when you haven't been anywhere near the blood bank? Like that. Or like battle fatigue, maybe. Why the "blood" in the post title? I just liked the sound of it. And yeah, okay, there was a little blood from a nasty paper cut. There was maybe more than a little blood -- judging from the front of my sweater, you'd think I'd either bled out from a thousand small wounds or just came in from a shootout.

Luckily, I had an extra sweater here (ivory) that looks fine with the skirt I have on because by 11:00 A.M., I was covered in coffee stains, blood, and printer ink. Total raving beauty, let me tell you. When I went to unbutton my now disgusting looking pink sweater, one of the buttons fell off. No more blood, but another dose of bedlam. It's a good thing I have other pink sweaters because I'm thinking I might as well trash this one.

I don't know which is better, routine or bedlam. I guess there's something to be said for both. I know that after too much routine I find myself craving bedlam, and vice versa.

If you were offered a chance to live forever, would you take it?

Who'd like to tackle today's docket of Words Gone Wild?

good riddence

Today's Dear TWIT Fix

Dear TWIT,

I do note no how to right a querie letter so I am just going two ask you flat out, wood yew pulish my book?

Hear is what it is aboud. It is named Hot Stuff In The Swamp and it is 57-1/2 pages long. They're is this girl from another country that comes to Amreica. Everything is find untli she gets losted in the woulds down in the south. She comes up on this swamp settelment where lives a bunch of guys that are AWOL from the New Mexican Navy. They has turned all wild and animistic, but they reconise the woman because they have bootleg wireless intrenet and she has got her pitcher on alot of sights. She likes to dokter up many nekkid shots of her. She is endoud pretty good if you know what I meen. I can draw you sum photagrafs to put in the book if you want. Well they no rite of who she is and they will not let she lieve. Right then and their it kindly terns into Deliverence. You get a good bit of sex, vilence, blood, ect. I am not braging when I say my littel tomb would make a grate movie! I would dye two sea my movie up in lites on you're beatiful Weeb paig.

I am not egzakly begging ewe too pubilish this boke but I sure would like it if you did. I hope you will let me sent you sum sampel chapters. I will wate to here form you. I would bee reely reely grateful if you was to give me a contrack and a advantce and my book the chanse it deserfs. Pleze right me back and let me no.

Yours ever so sinserely,
Miller Light
Dear Soused,

We think a reverse high colonic would be good for you. If there is any room since you are already full of it. But yes, of course we will print your book. The contract is in the mail. Sign both copies in blood and return ASAP and we'll get right to work on administering your high colonic.

Have a nice day!
AuthorInsult Team
Dear TWIT,

It's finally happened, hasn't it? You people are all on crack, aren't you? I'm not surprised. I'd say yes to drugs, too, if I had every literacy advocacy person in every holy and unholy empire on earth on my ass. I gotta tell you, though, even crackheads ought to know better than to send out royalty checks in negative amounts to people whose books you don't even have contracts for any more.

You've effed up big time doing it to me, you bunch of skanky crack hos. By sending me your stupid check in the amount of -$2.14 on a book you have had no rights to for over a year, you have committed copyright infringement. I'm not going to sue you since you're a bunch of nobodies and I'd be embarrassed to have to go to court and admit I ever knew you. Instead, I have arranged for you a hunting date with Dick Cheney. Hasta la vista, assholes.

Crack Me Up
Dear Crack,

The best use for your crack would be a session in our Kool-Aid Attic. I've already hunted with Cheney. Who do you think taught him what he knows?

Uncle Billy-Bob

We haven't heard from the Underwear Oracle lately. This would seem an appropriate day to get a reading.

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not!

You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.


Roxan said...

***What Your Underwear Says About You***

You're a total rebel who doesn't conform to any rules. P.S. - It's a jungle down there!

You're also way too lazy to do your laundry more than a few times a year.

I do my laundry more than that! LOL

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Ok, your day and mine have been eerily similar so far:

I was putting together a lamp at work, and I dropped one of the lightbulbs. It shattered all over my institutional carpet, and I went to get the janitor's cart to clean it up. As I was on the floor picking up shards of glass, I turned around quickly and nearly gave myself a concussion on my chair. Seriously, I have a huge goose-egg right on the billboard that IS my forehead. Yargh!

Thank goodness there was no blood.

Serena Joy said...

The Oracle nailed you on the total rebel part, Roxan. I do know you do regular laundry, though. LOL.

Poor Greeny. At least there was no blood. Bleeding body parts are so annoying. Your goose-egg sounds awful, though! Are you sure you don't have a concussion? I had one once. It actually didn't feel that bad.:)

leelee said...

***What Your Underwear Says About You***

You like your underwear to make you feel girlish and pretty. Let's hope you're a chick.

You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.

Once on!! lol

I wouldn't want to live's ain't natural I tell ya.

Sorry you are having a hectic bloody day...yikes...

Serena Joy said...

That's a fun reading you got from the Oracle, Leelee.:)

Oh, good, you answered the question. I wasn't going to answer it myself until I had a sampling of some other answers.

My answer is: Not on your freakin' life!!

Duke_of_Earle said...


Hi. Thanks for the visit and the comment on mine. I first read your profile before browsing your blog, and I have to ask. . . Uh, just which side of normal did you say you were on again?

But then, "normal" is relative, right? (Let's hope so!)


P.S. I was too embarrassed to ask the underwear Oracle anything. No telling WHAT it might have said!

Serena Joy said...

Hi, John. I'm definitely on the wrong side of normal. I think that question has pretty well been settled.

Don't be embarrassed to consult the Drawers Dude. Nobody's ever embarrassed about anything around here.

My compliments again on your Verbicidal guest post today. I hope we'll see more from you.

tfg said...

My underwear analysis:

You're a total rebel who doesn't conform to any rules. P.S. - It's a jungle down there!

You're also way too lazy to do your laundry more than a few times a year.

I'll leave it to you to figure how I answered. I'm not so sure about the jungle part, but the rest is fairly accurate.

Two Write Hands said...

My underwear needs to shut up about me. I'm not wearing it anymore.

Serena Joy said...

Ah, geez, T -- you're going to make me to speak to The Drawers again and keep answering questions 'til I get the rebel answer so I can see how you answered? Okey-dokey. Glad to hear it about the jungle part, and I'm guessing you do laundry at least every few months. LOL.

Hello, Two Write Hands, and thanks for stopping by. I have a sneaking suspicion that your dainties are ticked off that you gave them the boot and they're out at the clothes line gossiping right now.:)

Scary Monster said...

Me day be just getting started. So far so good. Finished me coffee without mishap and now me gonna see iffin me can drive to work without getting a paper cut.

Live forever? Hell Yes!!!

Lee said...

Sure, I'd accept the offer to live forever, with a couple of conditions...remain forever healthy...remain forever around the age 40-45...have enough money to live comfortably forever.

A little bedlam is good...makes one enjoy the peaceful times!

Serena Joy said...

Good heavens, Scary & Lee. You want to live forever? Not me. It would be too tiring, especially if you stayed the same age forever with no respite in sight.

Corn Dog said...

I think we are sharing underwear, SJ. YIKES! Live forever? Umm, no. This life has freakin' worn me out.

Serena Joy said...

I'm about worn out, too, CD, but who knows -- maybe there's power in shared undies. This, of course, means more laundry, which "could" just wear us out quicker.

puerileuwaite said...

I read that Quentin Tarentino is looking for a new Executive Assistant, and judging by your post, you'd be perfect.

Here's what my underwear said about me:

"Even though I beg him to take me along, he doesn't always. Sometimes he leaves me in strange places, such as on the floor at the Cineplex. He appears to be into racing and dot-matrix printing. And the incessant scratching drives me nuts."

Stupid underwear.

Serena Joy said...

Yeah, I'll call Quentin today, Puggy. You have to mop up the blood if he shoots me, scratchy underwear or not.

littlebirdblue said...

***What Your Underwear Says About You***

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble!

You're sexy, in that pinup girl, tease sort of way.

by 11:00 A.M., I was covered in coffee stains, blood, and printer ink. Total raving beauty, let me tell you. When I went to unbutton my now disgusting looking pink sweater, one of the buttons fell off.

Forget words gone wild, this is dress-up gone wild.

Serena Joy said...

I guess it was kind of dress-up from hell, Littlebird. LOL.