Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Bumpers & Puns & Punts, Oh My

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I don't have a thing original to say today. I feel this ... weight, this something bearing down on me. It's not doom, but it could be one of doom's kissing cousins. Maybe it's premature dread of the double-whammy June Moons. I don't know what the hell it is. All I know is that my mind has gone on strike. It's in blackout mode and filled with irritating white noise. Blech. Until my planets get their asses into more satisfactory alignment, I will not be conducting any business, accepting any indecent proposals, or entertaining any offers of jewels, kingdoms, or warriors.

Woman With Brain-rot Headache
(And a couple of other aches)

Meanwhile...

These are actual bumper stickers spotted on the backs of trucks and cars by some of my actual buds.

IF YOU WERE AGORAPHOBIC, YOU'D BE HOME RIGHT NOW.

(License plate) MIDOL1

BROKE! ROB ME ONLY IF YOU NEED THE PRACTICE.

HAPPY HEATHEN

IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT'S TROUBLE!

SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS A VILLAGE IS MISSING ITS IDIOT

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, CALL 1-800-BITE ME

SILLY COWBOY! TRUCKS ARE FOR GIRLS!

HOME DEPOT - MY TOY STORE

Some silly puns:

I told my psychiatrist I kept dreaming about two computer geeks. He told me I was pair o' nerd.

"Improbable Writing Utensils," by Drew Witherspoon

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Before he became a writer, William Shakespeare used to sell Swiss Cheese. He gave up the job because people kept complaining about his cheese. They would say to him "No holes, bard".

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

TODAY'S TWISTED LINGUISTICS

dieing - What Ing's pissed off girlfriend said to him.

spaying cold water - An ineffective method of birth control in dogs.

proably - In favor of being able to do something well.

abondoned - The wanton consumption of bon-bons.

moonths - Units on a legendary lunar calendar.

is thier any place - No, honey, not for ewe, their ain't.

message bord - Forums reserved for authors of a certain Printer From Hell.

Dear TWIT

Dear TWIT,

I have had nothing but bad luck since I hooked up with you people. My house blew up, my car floated away in a flood, my dog stays pregnant, I myself have had quadruplets that I can't get Welfare for, I've gone blind in one eye, I can't afford a new wooden leg, my husband loves me, and all my boyfriends have left me. Wee Willie is the Anti-Christ, isn't he? I am cursed. What, besides calling a Vatican Council, can I do to get this curse lifted? All I can think of is to come up there and put an ash stake from my remaining wooden leg through his black heart. There's no guarantee that even that will work, but I am desperate now. I'll be there on Thursday, assuming the Greyhound doesn't get hijacked.

Irreverently yours,
Doomed
___________________
Dear Doomed,

If it weren't for bad luck, you'd have no luck at all, would you? Moron. And don't try denying it. You signed with us, didn't you? Moron. Get a FEMA trailer, get your dog spayed (and yourself, too), stick a marble in your eye socket, and get a red Radio Flyer and start moving your ass. You got books to peddle! Your threat doesn't scare us a bit because we know you didn't make enough in royalties to buy any Greyhound ticket. Why don't you just shut up and start writing us another one of your crappy books?

Have a nice day!
AuthorNonsupport

People Envy Your Generosity

You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. And they'd do anything for you!
People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to.

18 comments:

Steve G said...

You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. And they'd do anything for you!
People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to.

We have stuff in common

Roxan said...

***People Envy Your Compassion***


You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.
People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

This one totally missed the mark. Actually I'm the type who can step away from a situation, be decidedly cold and separate myself from their pain. Sounds harsh, but I've been told during crisis situations they appreciated my coolness. I'm the calm one.

Serena Joy said...

I'm usually the calm, semi-detached one, too. If I love someone, I'd literally give them the shirt off my back -- but I'd do so calmly.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

ah shit. not the two moon thing again. i'm hidin' under my bed.

i like the lesser of two weavils ;)
xx
pinks

PS - I don't have to do any freakin' quiz to know that people envy my humility. I'm so great at being humble.

Serena Joy said...

Nah, it's probably not the moons, Tania. I think it's something more primeval. Or do I mean primal? I'd hide under my bed, too, except I'd have to clear out space first.

P.S. - Your humility is duly noted. LOL.

tfg said...

IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT'S TROUBLE!

So much for idea of having the boys retreaded.

Serena Joy said...

They say that hurts a little bit, tfg.

tfg said...

"No pain, no gain" is what I always say. No, wait, "Please, stop or I'll bawl like a 7 year old" is what I really always say.

Besides, how would I get the steel belting through airport security?

Serena Joy said...

Dare I ask what the steel belting is for?

ThatGreenyFlower said...

People apparently envy my compassion. And here I thought it was my hot bod all this time!!!

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Greeny. I thought the same thing once. But ONLY once.

Lee said...

Never fear, Serena...I have those days often, too. Then I just shut down, shut the world out and hide within my own little cocoon.

Corn Dog said...

I got stuck with compassion too. Blech. The quiz has been drinking whiskey.

littlebirdblue said...

***People Envy Your Ingenuity***


You're a person with unique ideas, big plans, and a zany outlook on life. Many people look to you for inspiration.
People envy your creativity and "who cares?" attitude. They feel very ordinary next to you - and they usually are!
______________

Sorry. I'd say something more, but my brain has rotted and it's a little embarrassing.

Hale McKay said...

Ah, creativity - it is a fleeting thing.

I have been less than creative myself - I had to succumb to putting up a post about Jerry Falwell!

MXI said...

***People don't Envy You***
You are a schmuck, and the world would be a better place with out you.

What the hell kind of quiz is that? That hurts!

Having nothing original to say has not stopped me yet!

Serena Joy said...

That feels wonderful when you're able to do it, Lee.

I gotta do something about these drunken quizzes, CD. Gotta sober those boogers up.

I don't think your brain has rotted out, Littlebird. LOL. Mine, on the other hand, is giving off whiffs of major decomp.

Yikes, Mike -- that's scary!

Hang tight, mxi -- I'm going to do something about the sorry quality of these quizzes. LOL.

Kanrei said...

People Envy Your Inner Peace

You understand your place in the world and accept life as it is. For you, "it's all good."
People envy how grounded and level headed you are. But you're too at peace to even notice.



Great puns. They were punny.

My favorite bumpersticker is not funny, but true- I love my country and fear my government.