I don't have a thing original to say today. I feel this ... weight, this something bearing down on me. It's not doom, but it could be one of doom's kissing cousins. Maybe it's premature dread of the double-whammy June Moons. I don't know what the hell it is. All I know is that my mind has gone on strike. It's in blackout mode and filled with irritating white noise. Blech. Until my planets get their asses into more satisfactory alignment, I will not be conducting any business, accepting any indecent proposals, or entertaining any offers of jewels, kingdoms, or warriors.
Woman With Brain-rot Headache
(And a couple of other aches)
These are actual bumper stickers spotted on the backs of trucks and cars by some of my actual buds.
IF YOU WERE AGORAPHOBIC, YOU'D BE HOME RIGHT NOW.
(License plate) MIDOL1
BROKE! ROB ME ONLY IF YOU NEED THE PRACTICE.
IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT'S TROUBLE!
SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS A VILLAGE IS MISSING ITS IDIOT
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, CALL 1-800-BITE ME
SILLY COWBOY! TRUCKS ARE FOR GIRLS!
HOME DEPOT - MY TOY STORE
Some silly puns:
I told my psychiatrist I kept dreaming about two computer geeks. He told me I was pair o' nerd.
"Improbable Writing Utensils," by Drew Witherspoon
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Before he became a writer, William Shakespeare used to sell Swiss Cheese. He gave up the job because people kept complaining about his cheese. They would say to him "No holes, bard".
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
TODAY'S TWISTED LINGUISTICS
dieing - What Ing's pissed off girlfriend said to him.
spaying cold water - An ineffective method of birth control in dogs.
proably - In favor of being able to do something well.
abondoned - The wanton consumption of bon-bons.
moonths - Units on a legendary lunar calendar.
is thier any place - No, honey, not for ewe, their ain't.
message bord - Forums reserved for authors of a certain Printer From Hell.
I have had nothing but bad luck since I hooked up with you people. My house blew up, my car floated away in a flood, my dog stays pregnant, I myself have had quadruplets that I can't get Welfare for, I've gone blind in one eye, I can't afford a new wooden leg, my husband loves me, and all my boyfriends have left me. Wee Willie is the Anti-Christ, isn't he? I am cursed. What, besides calling a Vatican Council, can I do to get this curse lifted? All I can think of is to come up there and put an ash stake from my remaining wooden leg through his black heart. There's no guarantee that even that will work, but I am desperate now. I'll be there on Thursday, assuming the Greyhound doesn't get hijacked.
If it weren't for bad luck, you'd have no luck at all, would you? Moron. And don't try denying it. You signed with us, didn't you? Moron. Get a FEMA trailer, get your dog spayed (and yourself, too), stick a marble in your eye socket, and get a red Radio Flyer and start moving your ass. You got books to peddle! Your threat doesn't scare us a bit because we know you didn't make enough in royalties to buy any Greyhound ticket. Why don't you just shut up and start writing us another one of your crappy books?
Have a nice day!
|People Envy Your Generosity|
You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. And they'd do anything for you!
People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to.