Saturday, April 21, 2007

The Saturday Duck Chuck & Bimbo Bash

If it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck and it looks like a duck but it's not a duck, what is it?

I get so damned tired of thinking something is one thing, only to find out it's some other thing. If it's a wombat, call it a wombat. If it's an orangutan, call it an orangutan. If it's a warthog, then call it a warthog and ... not a duck. Stop calling it a duck already when it's not a duck. Who the hell wants a fake duck?

People are fickle as hell. It irritates me to death to see some twit -- we'll call her Barbie -- badmouthing Mattel in one hangout so she'll appear to agree with Midge and Skipper and then running over to some other hangout to praise Mattel to impress Ken and G.I. Joe. That's not even fickle. It's actually plain old-fashioned hypocrisy. If I were Midge and Skipper, I'd yank that blonde bimbo baldheaded. And Ken and G.I. Joe ought to cut the brake lines on her stupid looking little pink car. Hear Barbie whine. Then pull her sequined tube top up over her head to shut her up. And slap her upside the head with a fake duck for good measure.

*No live ducks were harmed in the making of this post. My research was strictly confined to fake dead ducks.

82-year-old Venus Ramey, Miss America 1944, got in some sharp-shooting practice last week. When she caught intruders on her Kentucky farm, she balanced herself on her walker to draw her snub-nosed .38 and proceeded to draw down on them. After putting the fear in them, she then shot out the tires on their car so they couldn't flee before police arrived. Yeah. I wanna be like Miss America when I grow up. Betcha anything Barbie couldn't do that. See Barbie whine.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Chinese proverb

Sickening and discusting - Sick and tired of discussions that devolve into cussing matches.

neightbor's - Talk-a-thon at the horse farm next door.

dion't - Someone who's been besotted with Celine Dion.

weary of most people - Not just cautious around strangers but sick and tired of everybody. - Create custom images
Daer TWIT,

I have a delemma. That means you have a delemma. You are being named as co-respondent in a divorce action by my husband. He is claiming that I spend more time on your boards than with him. This is true. He is claiming that you has aliunated my affections. This is true. He is accusing me of being more in love with you than him. Well that might be true. I do sneak out of bed in the middle of the night like a real back street woman to get on the boards. He is sighting in his complaint a copy of a post by one of my dear dear Putrid Publishing friends. I had said he was trying to make me choose between him and Putrid and my dear dear friend replied that there is something wrong with me if I don't choose Putrid over him.

I don't know what to do. I've been married for 72 years and now he's making me chews. He says he'll take me back if I'll get off the Kool-Ade. Please tell me what would happen to me if I kicked the Kool-Ade habit. Is it true what Billy-Bob said that my hair and teeth would fall out and I'd go blind? Is it really true that if I just stay on it a little bit longer and keep beleeving in myself and promoting my book is going to sell some day? I mean, I've renewed my 7 year contract 7 times now but it could still happen, right? Should I maybe switch flavors? Pray to Betty instead of Bobby-Bill?

Sincerely ticked off with you right now,
Lemon-Lime Jezebel
Dear TWIT,

Since y'all run such a dirty company anyway, would you mind explaining to me why the rules on your message board are so strict? Why, for example, can't people cuss? Call each other names? Tell filthy jokes? Use 4-letter verbs and adjectives? Have cyber sex right there on your boards? Which one of you TWITS is reading this, anyway? Is that you, Plumber Boy? Hey, baby, wanna play?

Uh-oh. Oh, hell. I'm banned. Again.Please, dear, darling, sweet, honest, honorable, respectable TWIT, won't you please unban me? I'll behave. Until I don't.

Bored Board Slut
Dear BBS:

This ridiculous nonsense is exactly why you are banned. You are coming onto our message board to start something. Well, I'm here to tell you, I'm going to finish it! You can call me anything you want, you will not be unbanned, unless you submit your request under another user name, of course. We're not too swift and seldom check IP's. So, stop bothering me. I have a quota to make and Bobby -- I mean Mr. Bobby-Bill -- is breathing down my neck!

Barbie the Banner
Dear Barbie,

I think you're wrong. Sleazy sex on the boards virtually guarantees increased page views. Have it your way, though. If you could show the marks Mr. Bill and Betty getting all hot and heavy -- whee-doggies! So, I'd like to request to be reinstated. My user name is BubbaInWonderland. When can I get my password?

GI Joe
Dear TWIT:

When are you morons going to stop using Jamie Farr to intice people to submit their books. The Hollywood Squares has been off the air for about two years now. Do you really think anyone cares that Jamie Farr took his book on The Hollywood Squares? Really, you need to come up with a new celeb who can get people hooked for you. How about Anna Nicole Smith, she's about your IQ.

Dear Puzzled,

Of course, you're puzzled. We here at Putrid Publishing count on that. Why do you think we write our letters in Doublespeak and our royalty statements in Gobbledygook? We will thank you to immediately cease and desist referring to Mr. Farr in any way, shape, or form. Mr. Farr is an icon here at Putrid. The fact that Hollywood Squares was cancelled is of no consequence. He maintains name recognition; i.e., his name on our site draws in new customers -- er, authors -- every day. And, you see, therein lies the rub -- everyone knows his name, nobody knows yours. Therefore, you have no input whatsoever into the way we conduct our business.

We are extremely pleased and excited to have signed the aforementioned Anna Nicole Smith as a new author. We are proud to be printing her book, "A Foot in the Grave is Worth Two in the Bedroom." We are dismayed that you know about this prior to our announcement in an e-mail next week offering authors a deep discount for books purchased pursuant to our "Can You Draw This Figure?" promotion. Yes! It's true! Authors who can draw their own cover art will be allowed to purchase their books at 2% off the normal discount. Ms. Smith drew hers. I'll Double-D bet you can't guess what it is before the cover is officially unveiled at a Kool-Aid reception on a date to be announced. While you are invited to participate in this offer, we will still expect an explanation of how you learned about it ahead of time.

Meanwhile, please e-mail your apology for your insults to Mr. Farr ASAP. Otherwise, we will have no choice but to revoke your board privileges. We know you don't want that. Without our boards, what life do you have? Bwhahahahaha!! Have a nice day and Happy Halloween.

Patently Patronizing TWIT

The Movie Of Your Life Is Film Noir

So what if you're a little nihilistic at times?
Life with meaning is highly over-rated.

Your best movie matches: Sin City, L. A. Confidential, Blade Runner


Roxan said...

***The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick***

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite.

Not sure I agree with their movie matches.

I think more than just Barbie needs to be busted upside her head with a fake duck.

MXI said...

Same as Roxan, Indie flick.

You've sure been in some kind of mood these past few days! Is there any chance you will turn violent?

Serena Joy said...

They're ALL Barbies, Roxan. They'd BETTER duck today. Why, we could SAY something.:)

Why do you ask, MXI? Are you planning to do something to me? Get in line. LOL.

Roxan said...

We could say a lot and I did, but I never went back to read the responses because, frankly, I'm right as always. LOL

Serena Joy said...

Trouble is, Roxan, they're not the only ones. They're fucking everywhere. Thank you SOOOOO much for the video. That may have done the trick. I'm going to go work on my eyelining technique now. LMAO!

Roxan said...

Of course it did. Like I said I'm always right. LOL

Serena Joy said...

Yeah, it did and you were. Can't argue with that.:)

Someday I'm going to learn to keep my mouth shut. Probably won't be today.

JL4 said...

Ken......Is gay.

Not that I care, but the sweater over the shoulders with the arms tied around?


Serena Joy said...

If they unbind his arms he can still cut the line.

Corn Dog said...

I must be in a mood myself. I have no clue what you are talking about. I think I should AND I couldn't answer any of the questions on the film quiz. The quiz asked questions that I can't even begin to answer. If life is a learning lesson, I think I'm getting an F, at least today anyway. Back to vacuuming.

Oh - YAH for Ms. America at 82. A .38 snub is my weapon of choice. AND she must have been a pretty good shot. There's only 5 bullets in the cylindar. She could miss one tire. Maybe with any luck she hit their engine block.

Serena Joy said...

I think that about half the time I don't know what I'm talking about, CD. I do know I'd rather take stupid quizzes than vacuum. I'd like to see somebody try to make me do that today.:)

Yeah, Miss America does sound like a crackshot. On some .38s, trigger pressure is dang hard. I'm not sure I could hit the tires.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

The movie of my life is apparently a cult classic. Few people get it but my fans are rabid...something like that.

Sounds about right.

And about the duck: there is a saying in medicine that "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a's a zebra." I find that hilarious.

Barbie? Plastic air-headed bozo. Let her float on by you, babe. Water off a a duck's back! HA!

I know Barbie, and YOU, Madam, are no Barbie.

Serena Joy said...

Greeny, you lucky girl. I have a real fondness for cult classics.
I think you're right about the mutant duck -- it IS a zebra. What fun! Thank you, sweetpea, for the anti-Barbie remark. If I ever show up in high-heeled pink mules, please feel free to grab me by the ponytail and twist my head around backwards.:)

leelee said...

ding ding ding...we have a winner..

Serena these quizzes are strangely accurate...

~The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic~

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

Serena Joy said...

Sometimes they are pretty accurate, Leelee. Almost uncannily so.

puerileuwaite said...

Not only that, what about all of the plastic surgury Barbie's had? People should just be themselves, yet strive to be more flexible and less materialistic. Dream car? How about dreaming of world peace instead? It shouldn't be about appearances. There has to be more to life than how one is packaged.

Serena Joy said...

But Puggy, if all the Barbies of the world could get brain surgery that would be a good thing, yes?