Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Found Treasure


You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need


("You Can't Always Get What You Want," The Rolling Stones)

You can't always get what you want, but Providence has a way of looking out for you so that you (almost) always get what you need most. Sometimes you may not even know you want it (or need it) when, lo and behold, it appears in a burst of sparkling synchronicity and it's exactly what you needed at that moment. Some call it fortuitous. Some call it serendipitous. Some call it just plain lucky. Found treasure is the best treasure, and when you find it when you weren't even looking for it you are lucky indeed.

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intellegent - A smart and courtly man.

Capitialists - People who capitulate too easily.

analogie - Someone's unhealthy obsession with their rear end.

seperately - "Sep" referring to 7, this would be people who rate sevens.

named her's - A simple possessive reference to Her, the nickname her prefers.

Indianna - A girl from India named Anna.


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Dear Mr. Slow Typing Cleaning/Numbers Boy,

Oooooh, he called me Missey! I LOVES that. Now, you mite bee a genral twit, and I knows I ain't smart enuf to never be no twit, but hay, you cant talk two me lick that! Shock THAT.

I'm beginnin to wunder if I'm drinking the wrong proof/vintage Koolade bekauze I jest can't beeleive my pour lil old book is dead. I rekkon I did sine the kontrak butt are you fer sure? My mama just boughten one last week. (She didden like it nether an she sed the cuver were uglie.)

Well I think you oguht to apoligise to me Mr. Man. And I hope your keebroad shocks you agian.

Sincerely,
PO'd Missey
__________________
Dear Free:

How dare you assume you know who I am! I will accept your apology immediately!

Your inarticulate drivel amuses me. Of course there is a difference. If we edit your book it is spell checked with the most out-dated spell checker available. We wouldn't want your book to succeed, afterall. If we can't get our books on bookstore shelves, you sure as hell won't be getting yours on them either!

As to your other question, what the frig do you think? Of course we've ripped you off, but we know you are too poor and ridiculously stipid to do anything about it. Now, get over your damn self, you insipid darf, and get that book edited!

Your writting skills are exactly what we here at Putrid Publishing are looking for. I can see now that your book will have the same chance that every other PP book has had in the past - NONE!
Now, stop asking me to waste my time reassuring you as to your editing skills and get to work. I've spent as much time as I intent to on you. If you contact me again your message will be deleted unread.

Sincerely,
Couldn't Give a Rat's Ass
_______________________
Dear Free,

As a follow-up to Ms. Rat's Ass's form e-mail from the Official Drop-Dead Down Menu, permit me to respond personally to your ridiculous accusations with one of the line-by-lines you and your cohorts who plague us are so fond of. Firstly, I advise you to read the fine print of your contract, wherein you will note that no author is permitted to call The Masters "PutridArses." You will further note that there is a $25,000 fine assessed for each such utterance. We will expect your check immediately. And if it bounces, the penalty doubles.

I again refer you to your contract, which stipulates that no author may refer in any way whatsoever to a Master's or a cultist's nether regions.

Firstly, let me assure you that I do not jerk off. I don't have to; look where I work. Moreover, there is nothing shitty or scammy about our operation. For your information, orders came in from 9,666 authors today, with the average order being 10 copies -- considerably more than your ill informed 2.6 figure. An apology for that outrageous statement is demanded.

I would strongly advise you to start repeating the phrase, "Get thee behind me, Satan," at least thirteen times a day because you are now in big trouble with The Trinity. I hesitate to even show my masters your blasphemous message, but I must. If I don't, I would face the wrath of The Great and Powerful Bobby-Bill, which is sometimes to take the offending TWIT up in his hellaclopper and drop her into the Cheasapeake Bay.

Now you are being merely dramatic and nonsensical and we will pay no attention to such meaningless insults. Unless you apologize immediately, we will continue to print your book.

Mr. Shemp was our first experiment with quality control. We attempted to kill him but he continued to revive himself. We therefore felt it was in our best interests to let them live but to cut them off from all contact with The Unholy Putrid See and shun them. By the way, that would be Fraulein Jessimo to you. I do demand respect from you authors.

I will expect from you immediately the following:
3 apologies
2 I'm sorries
12 I was wrongs
1 check for $25,000
27 Hail Bettys and
666 Our Billy-Bobs

Have a nice day and thank you for being one of our beloved PerishAllhope authors!

Sincerely,
Jessimo
_____________________
Dear Ms. Rat's Ass,

Of course, I know who you are. I saw your convention photo. And may I say you are aptly named. Honey, I will apologize at approximately the same time that Billy-Bob and Bobby-Bill go straight and stop stealing.

Rest assured that I would rather die than amuse you, so let me try to rectify that. Do you not understand that my WHOLE PROBLEM with you is that you don't want my book to succeed? What part of MORON do you not understand? If you people weren't such liars and thieves and general reprobates, it's just possible that God wouldn't have smited you and your stupid books would have gotten on shelves from sea to shining sea. Probably not, but you'd have had a better chance. Which is no excuse for what you've done to me and my peers.

Ha! We shall see who is judged stipid -- it's S-T-U-P-I-D, you friggin' imbecile, and I'm a goddamn dwarf, not a darf -- in the end and who is not. I'm not going to edit and you can't make me. You want me to get over myself? Take THIS! (inserted photo of obscene gesture)

I will disabuse you of that notion if it's the last thing I ever do. I will also see your rat's ass and all your buddies in the pokey wearing ugly striped clothes that no self respecting human would wear. Oh, but y'all aren't humans, so you probably won't mind so much. Then we'll see what kind of chance my book has.

It's your job to answer my questions, you dumb twit. Who the hell do you think pays your salary? WE, your scammed authors, do. I'm working, girlie, but not on editing any of your crap. I know it's killing you wanting to know just what I'm working on. Good! I live to make your life hell and keep you in suspense.

Have a completely cruddy day, Rat Girl. I'll be writing you again real soon, and you WILL read it because, ha-ha, you won't know it's me 'til after you read it and get to the signature. Duh. Did I mention that you're an idiot?

Insincerely,
Will Get Free or Bust

12 comments:

Seeley deBorn said...

Now what did you find to inspire this post??

Steve G said...

Chortle, is all I can say.

Kanrei said...

That song is stuck in my head now. Thank you for the Earworm. For the future though, I am really not a Stones fan at all, so please think twice next time.

Is that a recent picture of the puppy in jail? Got the poor puppy working for you now as well? Meanie. =P

Serena Joy said...

It just struck me, Seeley, how the things we really need always have a way of turning up.

Chortles are good, Steve.:)

Why, you're welcome, Kan. You don't like the Stones? Must be a generational thing. I love 'em. Coming home from work, 'Shelter' was playing on the radio. Serendipity. Of COURSE, I put the pup to work. Cute works for me. I'm being very nice to him, though.:)

Kanrei said...

"Gimme Shelter" is the exception to the rule. That song is perfection. A broken clock is right twice a day so the Stones have two great songs- that one and "Paint it Black." The rest I could happily do without. I love 90% of the other music from your time though =P

Serena Joy said...

Oh, yes, 'Paint It Black' is so perfect it's practically nirvana. "My time" INVENTED music. LOL!

Kanrei said...

"My time" INVENTED music.


You are not that old. I bet you missed "Grok and Grug's World Cave Tour." Maybe you got the reunion shows =P

Serena Joy said...

LOL! I knew that would get you going.

tfg said...

If we always get what we need, where is my busload of nymphomanic cheerleaders?

MXI said...

I'm with Steve G, I chortled...

(I'll clean it up on my way out..sorry)

Serena Joy said...

I think Scary Monster has them, TFG.:)

Wow, MXI, a man who cleans up after himself. I'm impressed.:)

Roxan said...

I've learned that sometimes you not only can't get you want, but also things you need.