Why Is That?

Last week when it was so cold, I got a hankering for a new leather jacket. It's the dead of winter, evidenced by the ice and snow still sitting in piles in parking lots. It's the season when people wear ... coats. Alas, I tried four department stores before giving up in disgust. In every store, full of shivering shoppers wearing coats, the racks were filled with -- bathing suits! And shorts and flimsy little summer tops. I love a little nothing top and a cute pair of shorts as much as the next woman, but I wanted a jacket. I never buy summer clothes when I'm wearing a coat. I realize it's a marketing trend and all the stores do it, but it seems absurd to me. In July, if I happen to want a new swimsuit, that's probably when the only things I'll be able to get is sweaters and woolens and ... my leather jacket.

We as a culture have become slaves to Madison Avenue, haven’t we? We buy what they tell us we need to make us more beautiful, more popular, more acceptable, plumper or thinner, happier and healthier and -- better smelling. And we buy it when they tell us to.

Signs are looking favorable for a funeral tomorrow for Anna Nicole Smith. Finally. The court fights over the body appear to be ended and they can now bury her. It took an obscenely long time to get to this point. And, ta-da, Florida Judge Larry Seidlin is being courted by the TV people. Imagine that. As for who the baby daddy is, I no longer care. All I know is that I feel sorry for that poor little child, regardless of which of the parties ultimately raises her. None of them strike me as prime parenting material.

Why is it that a person can know all the noises her house makes and never pays any attention to them until she's home alone in the middle of the night, at which time they start sounding like an armed invasion?

Twisted Linguistics is passing out sentences today with Words Gone Wild.

occassion: As Vern watched the horse-borne cart carrying the casket pass on by, he spontaneously recited an ode to it.

onslought: After a long day of pumping out septic tanks, Junior stepped into the shower and turned on a torrent of water to slough all the grime off.

inrceased: Ina spent the afternoon engrossed in poring through her collection of obituaries.

pyshcotherapist: Frankie cried "Pysh!" in response to his shrink's warnings and headed on out to the disco anyway.

geneous reward: As Dr. Eugene Feelgood received this year's award for his hands-on approach to gene therapy, the crowd roared, "Gene us, Gene, you genius!"

righteious: Guido thought it was a pretty right-on idea to get IOUs from all the gamblers who owed him vig.

camera angels: The better looking stars of Derrick’s new video.

persitence: With a grimace like that induced by biting into an unripe persimmon, Donald bucked up and sat on the fence for as long as he was instructed.


What planet should you rule?

You Should Rule Saturn

Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye. You are perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, you don't always follow the rules of nature. And like Saturn, to really be able to understand you, someone delves beyond your appearance. You are not an easy person to befriend. However, once you enter a friendship, you'll be a friend for life. You think slowly but deeply. You only gain great understanding after a situation has passed.

What Planet Should You Rule?