Friday, January 19, 2007

Triptychs of the Tacky

Tacky is to most of us as porn is to the Supreme Court -- we know it when we see it.

A former beautician in Salinas, CA, has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for killing one client, putting one in a coma, and making others ill. How'd she do it? She injected clients in the buttocks with Mazola corn oil. She called it a "French Polymer Treatment," a "procedure" to reduce wrinkles with a price tag of $1,400.00.

Two 15-year-olds and a 16-year-old, all pregnant and living in a group home in American Fork, Utah, whacked the shelter director in the head with a frying pan, tied up and robbed her, then fled in a stolen minivan. Budding soccer moms, do you think? Geez.

It seems that wide-leg pants and jeans are coming back. No! I'm partial to "skinny jeans" and tapered pants. I hope this "fashion news" doesn't mean that the only pants to be found in the stores this spring will be about six feet wide.

Here's a tale of the warped and the tacky. A rescue squad answered an emergency call from a local woman the other night and ultimately transported her to the hospital. While she was hospitalized, one of the squad members (clearly low man on the learning curve) went back to her home and robbed it. How damn low-down can you get? No, don't answer that. As we all know, there are a hell of a lot of tacky, low-down people out there. That's as bad as undertakers robbing the dead. No, wait -- they've done that, too.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick (he of the "bird to the fans" fame) was detained at Miami International Airport after giving security people trouble about handing over a 20-ounce bottle of water. He finally discarded it, but not before arousing the suspicions of airport security. One of them retrieved the bottle from the bin, and it was subsequently found to have a false bottom with marijuana residue in it. He wasn't charged (yet) pending lab tests, but it's another black mark for Vick -- and for his alma mater, Virginia Tech. Between him and his brother, Marcus (sex charges, firearms charges, yada yada yada), we Virginians are rapidly getting friggin' tired of the Vicks.

Stephen Colbert and Bill O'Reilly traded guest appearances on each other's shows last night. Had to be one of those high-octane "WTF?!!" moments. I didn't see it. I can only imagine -- if I wanted to do that to my head, which I don't.

I'm adding an extra panel to the triptych with the addition of Oprah Winfrey and my nomination for her as the Queen of Tacky. What on earth was she thinking yesterday when she asked the family of recovered kidnap victim Shawn Hornbeck if he had been sexually abused during his four years of captivity? This is not a question you ask a set of parents in front of a newly returned, severely traumatized 15-year-old on national television. Can you imagine?! That's a very sensitive, highly charged question that should only be asked in a safe, private setting by someone capable of helping the child cope with it. That was headline-grabbing at its worst, and unconscionable.

We're making these felonious words gone wild do the
Twisted Linguistics perp walk today.

reccomendation - Accommodations available in the rec room.

biogtry - A new science which applies mathematical principles to biography writing.

puit - Short for "poop on it all."

skepticists - A new kind of mysticism in which everything is questioned.

schouvanism - A cult-like school which venerates Franz Schubert.

peddaling books - Books on wheels, possibly serving as missionaries.

Are you getting enough sleep?

You Get Enough Sleep

Although sometimes it make not feel like it on Monday morning...
You are getting enough sleep.
Want to sleep better? Try wearing socks to bed and turning your clock to where you can't see it.

How open are you? And be open about this, now.

You Are 51% Open

You are a fairly open person, but you also like to maintain your privacy.
You definitely will tell all (okay, almost all) to your closest friends...
But strangers and acquaintances only get a peek into your life.


Roxan said...

***You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep***

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep.
Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy.
Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

***You Are 58% Open***

You are a fairly open person, but you also like to maintain your privacy.
You definitely will tell all (okay, almost all) to your closest friends...
But strangers and acquaintances only get a peek into your life.

Oprah is always tacky. She reeks with tackiness.

Kanrei said...

Oh, you are talking about bad tacky! Being a tacky person I tend to think of it as a positive, but I can see where the "poor taste" meaning does apply.

You're a pretty open person - and you don't mind sharing the good, bad, and sometimes ugly.
And while sometimes you do catch yourself blabbing on, you usually exhibit restraint.
You're openness is quite refreshing, and it encourages other people to be open with you!

That seems about right.

Serena Joy said...

Rox, I think Oprah's ego has gotten too big for her head, and her head too big for her body.

Kan, I know -- there's good tacky and bad tacky. Sparkly shit -- good tacky. Those people I wrote about represent the worst in tacky.

Sometimes, I wish I could be more open. And then I remember the myriad reasons why that's a horrible idea.:)

littlebirdblue said...

***You Are 37% Open***

Hey, but I'm 100% open with .01% of the people I know, and 95% open with another few.

Serena Joy, I'm trying to pick a couple books to send you for your recs. Most of the books I would be sending are "the kind printed on paper". You sure you don't want to give me any more hints? Otherwise you'll get my best efforts, and no more. Email me w/whatever mailing address you want me to send to, please...

Serena Joy said...

LBB, I like your openness percentage formula. LOL.

I -- I won something?! Hot damn! Mystery is my bag but I, of course, trust your judgment. This is so generous of you. I'll e-mail you tonight.:)

Corn Dog said...

76% open. You blather on endlessly until some duct tapes your orifice.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, my God, CD. The one thing I studiously avoid is duct taped orifices. The duck, now, is a whole 'nother story.:)

Steve G said...

I enjoyed the post. And, no I don't watch Oprah.

Serena Joy said...

I don't watch her, either, but if you're plugged in or even pick up a newspaper, you can't help hearing about her.

Hale McKay said...

I think it's about time that TV put Oprah out to pasture. Her act is tired. She's got her billions - let her go - far away.

Serena Joy said...

I agree, Mike. Oprah has become passe, I'm afraid. With her billions, she could retire tomorrow and still live like a queen for the rest of her life. I don't think her ego would let her do it, though.