Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Praise (Don't Braise) Your Local Groundhog

February is a month chock-full of holidays, but we’re not going to talk about the frilly froufrou one on the 14th. I’m focusing instead on the important one, the one that’s coming up Friday, February 2nd – Groundhog Day.

Why am I so excited about Groundhog Day, also known as Candlemas and, I believe, Hedgehog Day in England? Because I hate cold and ice and chill bumps and the stupid rodent will tell me on Friday how much longer I have to put up with it. That’s why.

Groundhog Day, if you don’t already know this, falls smack-dab between the Winter Solstice and the Vernal Equinox. On this day full of all kinds of symbolism and pagan pageantry, legend has it that if the groundhog (also sometimes known as the woodchuck) pops out of its comfy little hole on February 2 and can’t see its shadow because the skies are cloudy and overcast, this signifies an end to winter soon thereafter. If, on the other hand, the furry little varmint comes out to a clear, sunny day and sees its shadow, said shadow will scare the animal (wuss!) and it will retire back into its burrow to wait out another six weeks of winter.

You can call it Candlemas or you can call it Groundhog Day. Either way, it’s a day for prognostication of the highest order – and a day to pray for clouds. Everybody knows, of course, the most famous weather-predicting rodent of them all, Punxsutawney Phil from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. I adore you, Phil, and I promise to stop pinching your fuzzy little cheeks. Oh, and the FedEx man is on his way to your hole bearing gifts. Just tell me if it's not enough.

If any of you know any Groundhog Voodoo at all, please start your rituals now. I don’t want any delay in the onset of spring so I’m willing to do whatever it takes to placate the rodent. I’ll give him food, presents, praise, money, even a little of my blood if that’s what it takes. And if the groundhog messes up, I’ll be soliciting recipes and buying a shiny new roasting pan.

Today’s trek around the block with Twisted Linguistics looks like this:

perminant - I don't know what it is, but since it comes from a full-time writer, it must mean something. Right?

I'm a looser -- What, loose bowels? Loose morals?

chivalrous and gentile tone - A lot of this tone was seen during the Crusades.

eight month siinot - An extremely long-lasting cold, involving tons of Kleenex.

accetable - A table intended for ornamental purposes only. If you can reach it, you can set it.

Recnetly - Activities that take place near the game net in the recreation room.

reptable - A table on which snakes and lizards are laid out for inspection.

thier - Psychic with a lisp.

I know you were all waiting with bated breath for the results of this quiz, and I'm equally sure my results are no huge surprise. The only question remaining is, How Dumb Are You?

There's nothing more intellectually challenged than the religious right.
How Dumb Are You?
A Rum and Monkey stupidity.


Kanrei said...

I do, but I am opposing you right now. I want more winter. More to the point, I want some winter. Yesterday got down to 61 and I broke out my jacket (not due to the cold but because I bought the damn thing and yesterday was the closest I came to jacket weather). Besides, you were complaining about the heat not to long ago.
Gimme a W
Gimme a I
Gimme a N
Gimme a T
Hold the other T because it doesn't fit
Gimme a E
Gimme a ARRRR!


littlebirdblue said...

Umm, Kanrei,

I think the winter is over here in the Northeast Kingdom. You can have some if you want; really, on me.

Serena J,

I got the same 'ignorant'-quotient you did. I have a sneaking suspicion there's only one outcome to the quiz.

Come back to littlebirdblue later and tell us one of your secret names.--like your superhero name or your Star Wars name, 'kay?

Kanrei said...

I got stupid when I did it.

I will take all the winter you want to send. I am sick of these clear blue sky 72 degree days.

Scary Monster said...

How much wood can a woodchuck, STOMP!!!
Now we never have to worry 'bout winter again... Tee Hee.

Me is thick as shit.
Usually me don't put much stock in them tests, but this one seemed to make sense. Especially the last question.

Serena Joy said...

Okay, Kan, if you want some Winter that badly, I have a proposition for you. It's fixing to snow up here early in the morning and switch over to ice before it's over. I'll switch places with you. I'll pack my shorts and come down there and move in with your cats and sit on your beach. You come up here and babysit my dog, go to work for me, and shovel snow. Oh, and you'd have to live with my huzzzz-bun, too.

Little Bird, I think you might be right. Dang, I knew I was backward in some areas, but to score in the Robertson percentile... That scares me.:) I am going to run over to your place and play with my names. I think I'll give Stripping and Witness Protection a pass, though. Or maybe not.

You seem pleased as punch with your score, Scary. Was that last question the one about destroying villages? I lied and said I'd never done it. Still came off stupid as shit. LOL.

Scary Monster said...

Me got a better rating than me thought me would and me was totally honest with the questions. LOL

Serena Joy said...

Scary, that just goes to show that honesty is the best policy. Yes, Lincoln's birthday is coming up in Feb. You may now call me the Cliche Lady.:)

Roxan said...

I'm sorry, I did not get the stupid test. No matter what you answer you come out as stupid. What was the creator's intent here? Couldn't he have just said "You are stupid if you answer any of the question?"
This quiz wasn't even mildly entertaining. Sorry.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? OR How much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground. LOL

Kanrei said...

Deal Serena, only take the huzzband with you =P. But you have to go work for me and Friday is coming, bwhahahahahaha! I will happily freeze my ass off in exchange for you doing my Friday for me just once.

Corn Dog said...

I'm dumber than Ronald Reagan. Sigh. But not as dumb as a ground hog.

Serena Joy said...

I know, Roxan. It was a dumbass, stupid-shit quiz. But -- there was a monkey involved, so you're not surprised, are you?:) If that groundhog/woodchuck effs up on Friday, I'm throwing a barbecue -- ground chuck on the menu. I hope it doesn't happen; I really like groundhogs. I'm not sitting still for any long winter, though.

I think we can work something out, Kan. While I'm at your desk, if your employees call me up and cuss me out, I'll just hang up on them. End of problem. I don't know about the huzzz-bun thing. Maybe I could drop him off in SC and pick him up on the way back in the spring.

Oh, dear, Corn Dog -- Ronald Reagen? Well, that's still way smarter than a groundhog, though. I wonder if your spousely shock-collar would work on groundhogs to make them do the right thing?

Roxan said...

Monkey? What monkey? I didn't see a monkey. I hate monkey. I like lemur. Monkey pick nose and fling it with the poo. Lemur cute. LOL

Hale McKay said...

And all this time I thought that when the groundhog saw his shadow, it meant six more weeks of basketball.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Roxan. The quiz came from a site called Rum & Monkey. Me like monkey. Monkey make good helper. Me run fast, dodge poo. Lemur bite. Me no outrun lemur.

There's that, too, Mike. Just one more winter gripe if you ask me.:)

Liz said...

"I am actually dumber than Ronald Reagan."

I didn't know about Hedgehog Day; I will google that now!

Anonymous said...

Let us hope that the winter weather is on its way out. Those that need a hit of snow, head north.

Serena Joy said...

Did you find anything, Liz? The reference I saw was at Wikipedia.

I was supposed to get snow today, Steve, but I haven't seen any yet.

Southern Writer said...

I'm dumber than Ronald Reagan. The donkey and the hay question actually had me wondering. Of course, I thought of Scary as soon as I read the last question. I'm not going to say who came to mind on the dildo question.

I'm expecting clouds tomorrow because it's snowing here right now! We usually get snow once a year, and at this moment, we have just enough to make the grass look moldy.

Serena Joy said...

Well, gee, Lesia -- now you've got my curiosity up. Who did come to mind?:)

You got snow? Lucky you. Our predicted "snow storm" today produced precisely squat on the ground. And it'll probably be sunny tomorrow and scare the crap out of the groundhog.