Cold Air, Guinness, and Unreliable Contraptions

I awoke to a balmy 15 degrees out this morning. That sort of zapped some of the joy out of having lived through the night. Looks like our heretofore missing Winter is catching up with a vengeance.

CareerBuilder.com recently took a look at employees who call in sick with bogus excuses. 32% of workers said they called in sick when they felt well at least once during the last year, down from 43% in the 2005 survey. The most popular reason for missing work hasn’t changed much; i.e., good, old-fashioned R&R. Nearly half of the workers surveyed said they needed to relax, while 24% wanted to catch up on sleep. Other top reasons included running personal errands (20%), doctor's appointments (17%), plans with family and friends (16%), and housework (16%). Housework? I never waste a Mental Health Day on housework.

Some of the most unusual excuses given by workers calling in included:

1. Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
2. A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
3. Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
4. Employee called from his cell phone, saying that he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that no one was around to let him out.
5. Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk.
6. Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
7. One of the walls in the employee's home fell off the night before.
8. Employee's mother was in jail.
9. A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
10. Employee had a bad case of hiccups.
11. Employee blew his nose so hard, his back went out.
12. Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.
13. Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
14. Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.
15. Employee was sad.

Today’s Twisted Linguistics are courtesy of Hale McKay. You can see the entire “Bible Lesson” at his site, “It Occurred To Me” in my sidebar. Thank you, Mike, for doing my work for me today.

FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS - Shall we all raise a glass to that?

NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS - Wasn't this discriminatory toward apples and cherries?

THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS - Even today, these parts can become completely unsympathetic if not kept comfortable and in undies they can be proud of. Constrict them and they could join a gang and attack you in a heartbeat.

MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - This casts a brand new light on the whole Jim Jones thing.

MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL - Moses was, in fact, old but we are surprised to hear he was unable to find Canada, which just goes to show that he should have taken his tonic sooner.

SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES - There's a word for that latter type of preoccupation, and we aren't going there.

WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA - I never knew that Mary was British. This revelation also raises the question: Did she sing soprano and King John sang bass, or was it vice versa?

JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION - We hate to point it out, but the contraption appears not to have been all that immaculate.

HE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES - I'll bet I know where he got those "epistels" published, too.

ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN - I can't define this one. I have to go put on dry pants instead.

HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE - One can't really argue with the logic of that.


And now, the 3-Question Personality Test:

Your Personality Is

Artisan (SP) You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations. You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky. You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations. It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school. You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you. You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience. In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment. At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur. With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out. As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes. On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.

The Three Question Personality Test

We’ve already established that these things sometimes (quite often, actually) miss the mark. I believe the question of whether I’m ever flaky is open to debate. I love clothes, and I haven’t been in a gym since high school. I don’t cook if I can avoid it, and if anyone I know ever caught me out running, they’d call the Mental Health Police.