Monday, January 29, 2007

Cold Air, Guinness, and Unreliable Contraptions

I awoke to a balmy 15 degrees out this morning. That sort of zapped some of the joy out of having lived through the night. Looks like our heretofore missing Winter is catching up with a vengeance. recently took a look at employees who call in sick with bogus excuses. 32% of workers said they called in sick when they felt well at least once during the last year, down from 43% in the 2005 survey. The most popular reason for missing work hasn’t changed much; i.e., good, old-fashioned R&R. Nearly half of the workers surveyed said they needed to relax, while 24% wanted to catch up on sleep. Other top reasons included running personal errands (20%), doctor's appointments (17%), plans with family and friends (16%), and housework (16%). Housework? I never waste a Mental Health Day on housework.

Some of the most unusual excuses given by workers calling in included:

1. Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
2. A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
3. Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
4. Employee called from his cell phone, saying that he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that no one was around to let him out.
5. Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk.
6. Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
7. One of the walls in the employee's home fell off the night before.
8. Employee's mother was in jail.
9. A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
10. Employee had a bad case of hiccups.
11. Employee blew his nose so hard, his back went out.
12. Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.
13. Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
14. Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.
15. Employee was sad.

Today’s Twisted Linguistics are courtesy of Hale McKay. You can see the entire “Bible Lesson” at his site, “It Occurred To Me” in my sidebar. Thank you, Mike, for doing my work for me today.

FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS - Shall we all raise a glass to that?

NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS - Wasn't this discriminatory toward apples and cherries?

THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS - Even today, these parts can become completely unsympathetic if not kept comfortable and in undies they can be proud of. Constrict them and they could join a gang and attack you in a heartbeat.

MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - This casts a brand new light on the whole Jim Jones thing.

MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL - Moses was, in fact, old but we are surprised to hear he was unable to find Canada, which just goes to show that he should have taken his tonic sooner.

SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES - There's a word for that latter type of preoccupation, and we aren't going there.

WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA - I never knew that Mary was British. This revelation also raises the question: Did she sing soprano and King John sang bass, or was it vice versa?

JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION - We hate to point it out, but the contraption appears not to have been all that immaculate.

HE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES - I'll bet I know where he got those "epistels" published, too.

ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN - I can't define this one. I have to go put on dry pants instead.

HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE - One can't really argue with the logic of that.

And now, the 3-Question Personality Test:

Your Personality Is

Artisan (SP)

You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations.
You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky.

You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations.
It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school.

You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you.
You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience.

In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment.

At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur.

With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out.

As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes.

On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.

We’ve already established that these things sometimes (quite often, actually) miss the mark. I believe the question of whether I’m ever flaky is open to debate. I love clothes, and I haven’t been in a gym since high school. I don’t cook if I can avoid it, and if anyone I know ever caught me out running, they’d call the Mental Health Police.


Corn Dog said...

ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. OMG, this one was my fav but I like immaculate contraption too. My ex's best friend was a word butcher. One of the funniest things he said in all seriousness was "handicrapped."

Kanrei said...

The best excuse I ever heard was from an employee at a pizza place. I called to find out where he was because he was an hour late. He said, and I swear these are his exact words, "I can't come in; I just accidently ate a hit of acid." I made him come in and wash dishes for three hours. Not a great trip, but a funny story.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, CD, at "handicrapped.":)

Kan, I lived through the 60s (and 70s and 80s and so on and so on). I've worked with people who accidentally on purpose swallowed hits of acid. Trust me, they'd have been better off staying at home.:)

Kanrei said...

They would have been yes. The dishes would have been as well, but the entertainment was priceless. Watching a guy stare at suds because they are "doing some really freaky shit" is just so much fun when trapped in a kitchen.

Serena Joy said...

Mmm-hmm. It's the colors. LOL.

Roxan said...

Rational (NT)

You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!

Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally.

You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.

In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent.

At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia.

With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well.

As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.

On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

This one has me pegged perfectly.

Southern Writer said...

Holy Acrimony! Snort! Handicrapped! Snort again!

I must be a weirdo. When I was employed, I never called in sick. Never dropped a hit of blotter by accident, either. It was always intentional. Ah, the good old days.

Serena Joy said...

Why am I not surprised at your results, Roxan?:)

Ahh, the good old days, Lesia. I remember (in a purple hazy kind of way) non-accidental blotters. LOL.

Kanrei said...

My mother may read this so I will not comment on the ingestion of blotter other than to say I went to 19 Dead shows.

Serena Joy said...

My mother will never read this, but I'm still taking the Fifth.:)

littlebirdblue said...

***Your Personality Is***

Idealist (NF)

15 degrees! We've been running -5 to -8 degrees fahrenheit at night. S says it was -12 here coupla nights ago.

It just ain't right.

Serena Joy said...

I need to stop complaining, Little Bird. Compared to where you are, I'm living it up in the tropics. LOL.

Hale McKay said...

I too am laughing at "handicrapped." Someday, somehow, I'll sneak that one into one of my posts.

That Bible School Test had me laughing when I posted it. Reading your excerpts started the laughter all over.

Hale McKay said...

Oops! Forgot to comment on the "sick" part.

I don't remember calling in sick too often unless i was really sick.

But I did call in WELL several times.

Anonymous said...

Stay warm, Serena. It is above freezing here and the snow is melting.

Liz said...

Employee blew his nose so hard, his back went out.


I've never called in sick when not either. Too honest by half.