Warped News

I love warped, oddball news. Don't you? It's sort of a reaffirmation of our own (relative) sanity, don't you think? Most of us, anyway. Here are a few of the weirdest reports to come over the wires lately.

Hanoi, Vietnam - Police seized one ton of Chinese-made sex toys, aphrodisiacs, and other sexual stimulants. The booty was stashed in a truckload of onions. Police continue their investigtion.

Ventura, CA - Oxnard police dog Beemer thought he was taking a bite out of crime when he bit into the police chief's leg.

"It hurt. The dog literally picked me off the ground. He ripped my pants and bloodied my leg up pretty good," the chief said.

Fruit Cove, FL - When St. Johns County police arrived on the scene of a dispute between a lawn service supervisor and an employee, they found the supervisor wielding a bat. The employee whose work the supervisor didn't care for had whipped out a weed trimmer with which to defend himself while another worker grabbed a hammer trying to break up the fight. The supervisor was charged with assault and battery.

Chicago, IL - A judge has decided there is enough evidence to prosecute a young Iraqui man who says an airport security guard misheard him when she thought he said that a sexual device in his backpack was actually a bomb.

He claims he actually told the guard the small, black object was a "pump" - as in a penis pump.

His attorney said her client was embarrassed to explain the object in front of his mother, so he whispered. The guard misunderstood, and thought he said "bomb." He later told reporters he does not consider a penis pump an unusual object to own.

"It's normal," he said. "Half of America they use it."

All righty, then.

Jeanette, PA - A judge has to decide whether the word "meow" is a harmless taunt or grounds for misdemeanor harassment. Jeannette police charged a 14-year-old boy for "meowing" whenever he sees his 78-year-old neighbor.

The boy's family and the neighbor don't get along because of a previous dispute over their cat.

This time, it's the attorney in the mix who has some sense. He said, "This should never have been filed. This is not something that police should be wasting their time with or wasting the court's time."

There was a bank robbery somewhere that I heard about the other day; I can't remember where. As best I can recall, the bumbling robber got his money but was so nervous that he barely made it out of the bank without wetting himself. Then, outside on the sidewalk, he was so startled to see a police car pull up that he promptly fainted.

Don't you just love dumb crooks?