My dog loves and adores me beyond all reason. I'm the center of her universe, a virtual canine's deity. I know without a doubt that she cherishes owning me. So ... why is she trying to kill me?
I don't mind that there's always a pile of dog toys in my bed, as long as she leaves me room enough to turn over. I don't mind that my house looks like Toys-Arf-Us for Dogs. I don't mind buying her premium dog food or cutting human food into petite little bites for the Dog Princess (she'll sit and stare at big bites 'til I get them small enough). I don't even mind spending more on her haircuts than I do on mine. So ... why would she want to kill me?
More and more often, when I get out of bed all blurry-eyed and unsuspecting, either in the middle of the night or early in the morning, there's some wicked dog toy on the floor right beside my bed. Balls are the worst, and tennis balls are particularly lethal. Step on a ball and if there's nothing to grab onto, you could go down.
Today, she left her baseball on the stairs. If I hadn't had the foresight to turn the light on, I'd have been a goner. I need to have a heart-to-heart with that animal (not that she has a clue she's an animal) and find out how I've displeased her.
I hate to refer to her simply as "The Dog." Maybe that's why she has it in for me. I can't tell you her name, though. I learned the hard way that it's a huge mistake to give out personal information. It's too easy to turn it into bullets.
From what I've seen of the fall TV lineup, it pretty well sucks. The only new show I've seen plugged that remotely interests me is 'Jericho.' That one looks pretty interesting. Everything else looks pretty ho-hum. Therefore, I hope all of my old favorites will be back in the fall. You know, I really like the storylines of 'The Closer,' but it never reached "favorite" status with me. Kyra Sedgwick's grossly exaggerated drawl (and that awful orange lipstick!) just ruins it for me. Nobody I know speaks that way. Trust me, if such sounds started coming out of any Southern woman's mouth, her girlfriends would either forcibly drag her to Speech Therapy or choke her.