Thursday, May 21, 2009

Fun With Twisted Linguistics

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I'm sorry, I just can't get over this. One day recently, Skank Girl "took care of" a client. This, unfortunately, is what she typed up, called it an Affidavit, and presented to the client for signature. I can't believe that, if he was remotely capable of reading, he read it before signing -- but he did. I can't even imagine what the court of record is going to think of it. I don't know whether the Boss Lady saw it. If she did, however, she'd have let it go. This is typical of the caliber of Skank Girl's work, and the Boss Lady never criticizes it. She just signs the nonsense SG puts in front of her as though she'd done something good -- and yells at me if I see something before SG sends it out and I fail to sound the alarm about typos and nonsensical sentences and such. This is the document, verbatim, which I e-mailed to myself directly from my system at work, the style and structure just as she did it -- redacted a little, of course, to protect the innocent. People, this is a real, live case of real-world Twisted Linguistics, and it's just damn sad.

AFFIDAVIT



COMES NOW XXX, before the undersigned Notary Public in and for the State of Virginia, County of XXX, and makes the following oath:


"I am the father of xxx, age 15. On May 17, 2009 my son, xxx called me and said he was having problems with his mother, she had locked him out of his bedroom so he could not get into his room, she also raised her fist at him like she was going to hit him and also raised a sports trophy over her head like she was going to hit him. I told xxx I was on his way to pick him up while in route I had my wife call 911 and have the xxx Police to meet me at the home. I got in front of the home and called xxx to come out and we waited for the Police to come, the police were office XXX and Officer XXX came to the home, Officer XXX {misspelled} asked me what was going on and I told him the story and explained to him I wanted to bring xxx home with me and showed him my divorce decree and because this was a Sunday and not my regular visitation day the Officer decided it was a civil matter and have xxx stay with his mother during all of this the mother came out of the home and grabbed me by the neck with force in front of the Police the Police told her if you touch him again you will go to jail, This all happened in the city of XXX. The Police Officer told you to take the child and he did, the mother left the premises, he is in school today and I have him until Thursday morning according to the final decree scheduled visitation. The mother is continuously badgering the son about the father and this is how the whole thing started the child said to stop talking about his family which then made the mother very angry and exploited this situation.


You knew I wasn't going to let Thursday pass without giving you your weekly fix of blasfomys, so here you go. Flog them, define them, destroy them -- whatever you want to do with them will be fine, as long as you have fun doing it.

consperacy
precidant
businest
boycoted
dethrowned
grovy
technoloty

7 comments:

G-Man said...

That sounds more like a 6th grade Civics project....

And I would have given it a 'C'...

'C' for....Ctupid!!

Roxan said...

Was that first person or third person? I think I detected at least three tenses. Maybe more. It was hard to keep track.
Are skank girl and boss lady having an affair?

dethrowned-Tossing the queen off of her chair.

Skunkfeathers said...

Doesn't ol' Virginny have a law on the books that says -- I'm paraphrasing -- "no skankgirl with knowd crotch cricket propensity shall herein, hereon, heretofore or any other time hereabouts, write a legal document whilst two of her three brain cells are engaging in spooning with crotch crickets, leaving the third cell to wander aimlessly amongst the syntax, and repeat over and over, "duh duh duh", since this was a song for a Volkswager commercial some years ago".

If not, it should be considered, forthwith, thirdwith, or rightnowwith.

Dispensing widda legal obscurities:

consperacy: Skank Girl and Crotch Cricket Queen do a spooning commercial for the next Girls Gone Wild video, killing sales world-wide.

precidant: an epoxy that keeps the teleprompter from making Barry flop his chops, long as he's sticking to the teleprompter.

dethrowned: the Secret Service dude who's assigned to piece back together the lamp Hillary throwned at Bill.

businest: your porch flowerpot right now ;)

boycoted: a hot chick ;)

grovy: legal term for a less-than-famous Supreme Court decision, such as Gro-vy-Wave
*ducking boos and throwd depositions*

technoloty: da
*just ducking*

dons_mind said...

ain't edumacation wonnerful? :)

Serena said...

Galen, you're more charitable than I. I'd have given it an F -- for FUBAR.:)

"Tense" is beyond SG's comprehension, Roxan. We never have to worry about her becoming competition for our agents/editors/publishers. LOL. I don't know what the deal is with SG and BL. It's got to be something unholy.:)

If there's no such law on the books, Skunk, there should be. Virginia is not so backward that Skank Girls harboring Crotch Crickets have to be legally tolerated. Your definitions rock! I absolutely love 'em.:-)

snowelf said...

Oh. My.

I could barely read that because it made me nauseated.

I had a South Carolina education even! ;)

--snow

Serena said...

Oh, it is, indeed, Don. This is what comes of dumbing down the schools, I guess.:)

LOL, Snow. I think that would offend -- and nauseate -- even those educated in backward countries -- or the penal system.:)