Monday, September 22, 2008

Disorder in the Courts

I was under the weather yesterday and am at work today (albeit still dragging), so I'm afraid today's post is a rerun from last year at Verbicidal Tendencies.

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These excerpts are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. Click to get cool Animations for your MySpace profile

________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

TWISTED LINGUISTICS did muster up enough energy to dig up a few blasfomys for you to play with.

10 yearts
luxery
miis
whimpy
birthdate suit
three dimentional
experiance
stygma
extactic
ideads
gentlemem

14 comments:

VE said...

Can't they have a special "stupid cell" where they throw all these people until they get educated?

FANCY said...

*ROFL* this was funny honey ;)

/t. said...

whimpy:

a capricious and
especially lame idea

HAPPY MONDAY SERENA JOY!!!

¤ ¤ ¤

/t.

Mona said...

LOL! Thanks for the laughs Serena! those are classic! :D

10 yearts : a heart yearning since ten years

luxery: To lather yourself with Lux soap ( we have that brand in India)

miis : mine and his

whimpy : indulging in a whim

birthdate suit : 'dressed the same way , both on birth and on a date ( that is naked)

three dimentional: to be mentioned twice, all the three times

experiance : in state of performing an experiment

stygma : grandma had a sty

extactic : a tactic that is no longer functional ( obsolete, redundant)

ideads : ideas for advertisement to show how an idea can change your life!

gentlemem : Soft spoken members

Serena said...

In a perfect world, yes, VE. Alas, this is all we got.:-)

Glad you enjoyed it, Fancy.:)

I'm so glad to know what whimpy means, /t. Happy Monday to you!:)

I'm happy you got a few laughs, Mona. And I got a few myself from your definitions.:-)

puerileuwaite said...

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

***

I am forced to watch A LOT of MSNBC at night. So trust me, this ONE IS a legitimate question.

NYD said...

Yes, I have read this before yet the giggles still keep me from reaching for my coffee cup.

Hope you feel better soon.

Serena said...

Puggy, who's forcing you to watch MSNBC at night? Should I call the police to come and rescue you?:)

I am feeling better, thanks, NYD. Hope you got your coffee.:)

G-Man said...

Hey, you could do this every other day and no one would be the wiser..
That is if you are so uninclined!!!
...G..xobgxo

Skunkfeathers said...

The "stupid cell" would be full of judges and lawyers.

Hey, not a bad idea!!!!!

Cidermaker said...

One of the first rules of cross-examination you learn in Law School is to never ask a question to which you do not already know the answer. These questions seem to fit that rule! :o)

Serena said...

Good to know, Galen, for the next time I'm so uninclined.:-)

Sounds like an excellent idea to me, Skunk.:-)

They do fit the bill, don't they, Clive? Let's indict 'em!:-)

Hale McKay said...

They were funny over at VT - they are still funny!

Serena said...

Thanks, Mike. I am SOOOOOOOO behind. I haven't even been over to see you in ages. I'll do better!:)