Monday, August 25, 2008

Pokin' Bloopers

Monday. Blech. We might as well poke some bloopers before somebody pokes us. Some of my favorite bloopers come from Internet sites. There's a large proliferation of these sites, none of which shall be named today. You probably already know where some of them are, anyway. They probably aren't harboring WMD, so we'll save them an invasion and not tell the government about them. There's no rule saying we can't pick up some big sticks and give them a few good pokes, though.

For example:

"they're congadulating this guy... "

Congadulation: To render adulation while dancing in an undulating conga line. Add liquor and dirty dancing to the conga line and it could lead to an altogether different definition.

"in a cememtary at midnight..."

i) In a perfect world, this would appear to be simply a typo. This is not a perfect world. It should, of course, be "cementary" -- the final resting place of authors who write flat, rock-like prose and poetry too heavy to take wing.

ii) Cement shoes for bad prose.


Opining Person #1: You know how Los Estadounidenses (that's us USA folks) say 'oriented', but Los Brits (that's those UK folks) say 'orientated'? Well, this is a stab at Britishizing that simple word 'inter' by making it 'interate', and then making it a repeated action by adding the Latin-derived prefix re-. Thus, we get 'reinterate: to bury again, e.g., "The kitty reinterated her poop in the litter box, but that stupid hound dog kept digging it back up."

Opining Person #2: Oh, dear me. I'm afraid it has more to do with reburying reanimated dead things. Ergo, quite aside from relatively benign hound dogs and kitty poop, we're talking about Zombie making here. That's some bad shit.

"Expalin this please..."

Respondent #1: Expalin' is the obverse of impalin'.

Respondent #2: Expalin' is removing bloody sharp objects from somebody who's likely to scream when you pull (expale).


Expert #1: This is believed to be a naval term peculiar to the Navy of a particular small yet unnamed nation. You've heard the term "three sheets to the wind" to describe the state of being drunk? You've also perhaps heard people say "The sun is over the yardarm" to indicate that it's time to start drinking? Well, the Unnamed Naval term for the latter is mast libation. Unfortunately, when the Unnamed Nationals get drunk they cannot pronounce "Li." It always comes out as "U," so they say mast ubation. Over the years, they gave up trying to say mast libation at all and general usage of the term became Mastubation. Thus, we can surmise that this author must be writing a story about drunken Unnamed sailors.

Expert #2: Yeah, jerkoff, why don't we just run that up the mast and see what comes up?

Expert #1: Hey! I resent that. Let's just lower the mast and go have a ubation.

"soring their way to the top!!!!"

Word Idol Judge: There's nothing glaringly wrong with this. Follow the logic here. A sore is an open, festering wound. Therefore, doesn't it follow that scammers picking the bloody bones of their victims are 'soring' their way to the top? Or to the bank, as it were?

"My mother always told us girls that 'when bad folks deliberately hurt you, they always get their come uppins in the end.'"

This one gets a bit complicated. Let's summarize, shall we: Mae West = sex = immoral = spawn of the devil = 'Why dontcha come up 'n' see me sometime?' = one way trip to Hades where you are going to burn in hell.

Therefore, come up 'n' (phonically, come uppin) = trip to hell.

Since 'bad folks' are plural in the quote, the author has rightly kept subject-verb number agreement by pluralizing the term as come uppins.

Comprende? I sincerely hope not.

Now, how's about you come up 'n see these blasfomys and give 'em a good defining.

the Karma Sutra
loosing wait
handy capped


VE said...

I'm FIRST!!! Why do people say that anyway? Oh well, happy Monday!

puerileuwaite said...

My brain hurts.

Bilbo said...

After your PhD dissertation already, I don't know what else to say. But I'll take a stab at it...

the Karma Sutra - that wonderful philsophy that you are fated to have great sex. Not available in all locations, least of all mine.

vehical - the calorie rating of your car that burns biofuels.

loosing wait - the amount of time you need to stand by to get rid of something?

possiable - able to be resolved by assembling a posse?

incemination - the ancestral home of the Incemis?

handy capped - sealed so that a person of average manual dexterity can remove the lid.

porecine - adjectives describing swine with really bad skin.

mimicis - news reporting shorthand for "Medvedev Initiates Major Invasion in the Commonwealth of Independent States."

Mona said...

the Karma Sutra, The line of Karma that keeps multiplying sin until forgiveness breaks it

vehical : Horse Power of a car ( what is calories in Man)

loosing wait : waiting for someone that results into a huge loss for ya!

possiable : To be able to carry three or four kids on your back ( just like a Opposum)

incemination : Cementing the process of fertilization( opposite of insemination)

handy capped : capped with hands

porecine : a movie about Skin

mimicis : a meme of cats!

Queenie said...

I have this fear that one day I will visit you and all my spelling and mis-quotes will be here. I'm no literacy genius, but I so enjoy your posts.

Serena Joy said...

VE, I haven't the foggiest what FIRST is supposed to signify. As far as I know, there's no prize involved. If there were, I'd be out there yelling FIRST!!:)

Hey, what a coinkydink, Puggy. My brain hurts, too.:-)

Very excellent definitions, Bilbo. And I fear we're all victimized by that damned Karma Sutra from time to time.:-)

Thank you for more definitions, Mona. Great interpretations!:)

Hi, Queenie. Have no fear! Our blasfomys come only from the deepest, darkest corners of cyberspace where no daylight ever penetrates.:)

G-Man said...

It's human nature to want to be first in anything. Folks that can blog at work or maybe work second shift, or are stay at home spouses, seem to have an advantage in the never ending search to be a "BLOG WHORE"!!!!
At one time I was probably the biggest blog whore on the Net. But my work schedule prevents that from happening much anymore. I do enjoy defiling someones post 1st. You may yell anything you like while claiming the Top Slot, or you may just be content with marking your territory and moving on to the next hapless victim!
I prefer BOTH!!!

Actually...Porecine is having Pig-Like skin!

I hope you have a pleasant week Serena Joy....G

Serena Joy said...

Galen, you sound like a Viking what with marking territory and defiling hapless victims. LOL. Thanks for explaining porecine. I sure hope I don't go buy some product that promises me porcelain skin and end up with porecine instead. Wouldn't that be an oikner? I hope YOU have a pleasant week, G-man.:)

Serena Joy said...

Shit. I meant "oinker." I don't even know what an "oikner" is. Where's the Kingdom of the Blasfomys? Today I am their queen.:-)

Roxan said...

karma sutra-I think this would fall under the category of the positive pregnancy test when "We only did it once."

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Roxan. That would certainly explain it.:)

Corn Dog said...

OMG! I am laughing so hard tears are rolling down my face. The whole mastubation thing was too too funny. You should write a column in the paper - the funny papers.

Skunkfeathers said...

I'm sure my site's a typo paradise ;) Such as anecdope, which is a stupid personal story from an idiot...hooha

Serena Joy said...

Glad you enjoyed it, CD. I'm too braindead to come up with anything consistently, though.:)

LOL, Skunk. I enjoyed saying anecdope out loud.:-)