Friday, February 22, 2008

Snakes On My Blog!

Heads up, all of you who might be Yankees. I forgive you all for absconding with the mule and the family silver all those years ago, and this is to inform you that I will be moving north and seeking sanctuary in your territory post haste. And what, you ask, has brought about this hasty retreat? Snakes! That's what.

According to recently released U.S. Geological Survey maps, thanks in large part to climate changes that are warming up the country, giant Burmese pythons are now in a position to populate one-third of the USA -- from San Francisco, across the Southwest and Texas, through the South and north to the Virginia coast. These things can grow up to twenty feet long and weigh 250 pounds. I don't want to be here when they come. I am not remotely comforted by the fact that they are non-poisonous. Why should I be? Knowing that they coil themselves around their prey and crush them to death before eating them whole sounds much worse to me than any poison ever invented.

Federal agencies are gathering data about nine invasive, mostly Asian species of big snakes in Florida, concerned about the danger they now pose to endangered indigenous species. And they've expressed both surprise and concern about the snakes' northward trek.

Burmese pythons were introduced into the US as part of the pet trade, and wild specimens were discovered in the mid-1990s in the Florida Everglades, probably released by owners who no longer wanted them. By 2003, it was abundantly clear that the snakes were breeding in the wild. Florida immediately began regulating their sale and ownership, but it may well be too little, too late. And the problem is no longer confined to Florida. For example, a bunch of the creepy crawlers/chokers were released in Arkansas.

Authorities advise that if you see one, don't attempt to engage it. Duh! I'm scared of snakes, and I'm not a bit ashamed to admit it. I have a really hard time spending time in the same county with one, and I've been known to squeal like a little girl and run like hell at the sight of a little bitty garter snake. I can't even imagine how upset I'd be (and ballistic I'd go) if I were grabbed in a chokehold by a giant hungry mutant snake way bigger than I. Isn't there a bit of atavistic snake dread in all of us? After all, the old-timey prophets decided to call the devil a serpent. There was a reason for that, you know. They were scared of snakes!

You Are Fairly Normal

You scored 65% normal on this quiz

Like most people you are normal in some ways...

But you aren't a completely normal person. You're a little weird too!

Why You Are Normal:
When you're in a car, you prefer to be the driver
You would rather be pale than tan
You prefer fiction to non fiction
If you had to, you rather live without music and still have laughter
You think fishnet stockings are trashy

Why You Aren't Normal:
You would not eat meat from a cloned animal
You prefer flat potato chips.
You know a little about many subjects
You rather screw someone over than be screwed over
You prefer a good nap to a good meal

How would you like to write me a snake limerick today?

TWISTED LINGUISTICS swore out warrants today for this motley crew of Words Gone Wild and threw their butts in jail.

naerly - Something so narrow it's nearly gnarly.

My gramar is also bad - Oh, gee, do you think?

souvenier - Sous-chef who doubles as the wine steward and also mans the gift shop.

stardome - The place where bad actresses go to sober up and take acting lessons.

funerial - Dressing up in bright clothes and going to a carnival for purposes of shedding your funereal mood.


Liquid said...

Oh Dear Lord,
I am packing as I type.
We're goin' with you!

And my home is like the wild kingdom, so you KNOW, they're gonna come here first......

Where is my gun?

Liquid said...

Oh, and do like I do........keep a very sharp knife, CLOSED, in one of your boots.

Never know when you're gonna' need one!

Serena Joy said...

Lord have mercy, it's just awful, isn't it, Miz Liquid? Pack up your tiara and your good jewelry and grab the pets and I'll pick you up on the way north. As two Southern belles in Yankee territory, do you think we'll need an interpreter?:)

Yep, I've got boots and a knife. I'm good to go.:-)

Corn Dog said...

The quiz is rigged. I'm 65% normal?

Okay here goes. This may be my first limerick.

There once was a green snake named Joe.
S.J. hit his head with a hoe.
He crawled out the bar,
Drove off in his car,
Seeing stars from rum and the blow.

Roxan said...

I am 5% less normal than you are.

As for snakes, I've walked past rattlers at the park and I kicked baby copperheads across the yard. Oh and I persuaded an adult one to get off the porch with my broom.
I've seen snakes swimming and I've seen them get their heads popped off.
I'm respectful of them most times, but I'd certainly keep my distance from something big enough to swallow me.

Anonymous said...


ode to a
wiggly thing

there once lived fellow named jake
with a most unusual take
on a certain reptile
with a gummy big smile
but not a good word to rhyme

¤ ¤ ¤


Corn Dog said...

OMG /t. That is so freakin' funny.

I was gonna ask Serena if I won something but I think you come in first on the limerick.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, of course, it's rigged, Corn Doggie. No way in hell am I any 65% normal. I don't know how you found out about Joe, but I love your limerick, girl.:)

For sure, Roxan. I think keeping one's distance from all snakes, great and small, is a good survival tip. MAYBE with combat boots on I could get close enough to kick one -- but I doubt it.:)

Thank you for the darling limerick, /t. Rhyme-schmyme -- yeah, I knew Jake, too.:-)

/t. and Corn Doggie are both winners in the limerick department today. If either of you were frogs, I'd kiss you.:D

VE said...

So the thought of a snake makes you sicken
And you want to leave screamin’ and kickin’
Though their skin is scaly and rough
Remember they really aren’t tough
They still taste just like chicken

VE said...

Ok, I'm 45% normal. I did better than I thought!

Serena Joy said...

Great limerick, VE. Thank you! However, I now won't be eating any dinner tonight. Chicken, indeed. But then again, if snakes taste like chicken, maybe I could work chicken Voodoo with them.:D

45% normal? Wowzer! That is really, really normal.:)

Charles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles said...

I'm one of the weirdos I guess, I'm not afraid of most snakes, but I know enough to stay away from the poisonous ones here. Gila monsters and Komodo dragons might worry me though, but they're big and bite, snakes don't really bite, but some of the poisonous ones will sink their fangs in you. Am I scaring you, yet?

I once had a small snake for a pet,
Something my Grandmother just didn't get,
She claimed it a puff adder,
'Twas a hognose, but no matter.
Into the woods it had to be let.

I scored 60% normal
Why I'm Normal:
If I had to, I'd rather live without music and still have laughter
I prefer the sun to the moon
I would eat meat from a cloned animal
If given the choice, I would choose to have more money over more time
I prefer fiction to non fiction

Why I'm not Normal:
I don't keep up with my horoscope
I prefer a good nap to a good meal
I'm no longer with my first love (who is?)
I know a little about many subjects

I thought stardome was the interior of the planetarium, that or something that Kojak or Mini-Me had. Well, I guess that's why the dictionary lists multiple definitions.

Little Wing said...

Oh you just had to share that info didn't you!
I am soooo out of here!

I have news for liquid, you do not take a knife to a gun fight!
Fat chance I would EVER get close enough to a snake to stab it!!!!!!
Me I am loading my gun!!!
I refuse to go into the snake house at the zoo!!!!

Serena Joy said...

Yes, you are scaring me yet, Charles. I've been scared all day, ever since I first heard the snakes were coming. Why do you think I'm grabbing my dog, my gun, and my jewelry and leaving town?!

Wow, you tested pretty normal. And you may have cracked the code about stardomes.:-)

Yeah, LW, I thought I'd better share the info. Girls should always be prepared, you know. You can join the wagon train heading up north if you want to. Bring guns and chocolate.:D

Mona said...

Yikes! I would take flight too If I were you!

Or get a mongoose or a peacock for a pet!

I can't stand snakes!! Yes Indeed their method of swallowing you is worse than any poison could be!

Mona said...

Serena! your post had me so scared.. I am sitting with my legs up on my chair right now!

Corn Dog said...

I spent some time shooting snakes in Tennessee with my landlord. A "snake nest" had developed behind our rental home. We felt the fix was a six pack and bullets. Unfortunately, the home was by major university. Soon the police arrived and questioned us. "Had we heard gunshots? Did we see anything?" Ummm, maybe.

Serena Joy said...

Charles, forgive me! I totally forgot to tell you I love your limerick.:)

Mona, when it comes to big snakes and the fight or flight instinct, I'll take flight every time. Um, I think you're going to need more protection than a chair. A snake that big would probably eat it.:)

CD, a six-pack and a box of bullets is usually a pretty good fix -- EXCEPT where there are nosy neighbors. You did the right thing -- deny, deny, deny.:D

G-Man said...

A daughter from down on the farm..
Told her father "No cause for alarm"!
This was my very first date..
And I'm sorry I'm late..
But his snake was in need of a charm!!!

Odd winter subject Sherry!
I'm calling Dr Freud Right Now!!!

Serena Joy said...

Tee-hee-hee, Bubba-G. You gotta watch those farmer's daughters. Please don't call Dr. Freud on me. Shoot, I could be talking (or dreaming) about fence posts or cows and he'd still think there was something weird about it.:D

Sling said...

Pythons!!...Yumm. :)

Charles said...

I have an afterthought. This test, the one for "normal," is a total crock of brown smelly stuff. When it comes to people there is no normal, except for normal to the individual. There is merely an average (or four, if we're talking mathematics,) for people.

I can't believe I fell for the brown producer's brown. It strikes me now, that this was someone's effort to move people to what the brown producer wants them to be, and not really a test. The errors in the questions give us a clue as to how qualified the "test maker" is to be making tests. I say that makes the "test maker" a prime candidate for being a religious fanatic.

Serena Joy said...

Hungry this morning are you, Sling? LOL.:D

Charles, I think the rule of thumb about these tests is that they're wholly unscientific and just for laughs.:)

Anonymous said...

I tried to write you a snake limerick, SJ, but I'd rather dress up in bright clothes and go to a carnival for purposes of shedding my funereal mood.

Serena Joy said...

Camille, I think that's an all around better plan.:)

Anonymous said...

Woot Woot!