Miss's Mailbox

Dear Miss Begotten,
Do you think Osama bin Laden is dead?
- Semper Fi

Dear SF,
No, I don't. Just because we haven't seen him in a coon's age doesn't mean he's dead. It simply speaks to his wily -- nay, cowardly ways. My guess is he's holed up somewhere in Afghanistan or Pakistan, enjoying the company of sheep and goats -- and men who smell like sheep and goats. As long as he has some unspeakable gruel cooked over a camel dung fire to eat and a fresh rag to wrap around his head, I'd say he's as happy as a hog in slop. Oops, he wouldn't like that pork reference, would he? Do we care what he likes, though? Why, hell, no! That man has caused untold chaos and suffering. I'd like to see it come back to him now -- since it hasn't come sooner. In spades. Fair is fair. If he can dish it out, he ought to be man enough to come on out of hiding and take it. Come on, Osama, show us your ugly mug. Only little girls hide.

Dear Miss Begotten,
Does Santa Claus have sex?
- Mischievous Elf

Dear Wicked Little Elf,
Only Mrs. Claus knows the answer to that, and I'm not going to be the one to ask her. How impertinent would that be?! Do you really spend time sitting around wondering whether those red velvet pants ever come off and what goes on if they do? Puh-leeze! This is one of those don't ask, don't tell situations if there ever was one. This is, in fact, one of those scenarios definitely best left to the imagination. Your imagination; not mine. I don't want to know. There is much to be said for mystery.

Dear Miss Begotten,
Are you scared of trolls?
- Quaking in My Boots

Dear Quaker,
Quaking in your boots is better than quacking in them. Trust me. Am I scared of trolls? You mean like the garden variety trolls that live under bridges? Nah. They don't scare me. Neither do the other kind. In actuality, I enjoy playing with them very much. People don't get them so much any more now that one can see at a glance which bridge they crawled out from under. They are fun, though. I like giving them a good public tongue lashing and then hearing the crunch they make beneath my heels. I find that stilettos work best.

For some inexplicable reason, TWISTED LINGUISTICS found a whole theme going on with today's Words Gone Wild. Sometimes it just works out that way. Go figure.

work-of-mouth - Part of a hooker's job description.

conncected - More of the above, I think; probably on page 3 of the Hooker's Manual.

contated - And yet another hooker service. This one is a specialty and costs extra, I believe.

amatuer - Need not apply to perform any of the above-mentioned services.

preceived - When condoms have failed to do their job.