Miss's Mailbox

Dear Miss Begotten..
Is there such a thing as 7th Heaven?

And do you find that women with red hair are more fiery?
~G-Man

Dear G,
I believe there must be, in fact, quite more than a skimpy seven heavens. Surely there's one for geeks, one for technophobes, one for old rock 'n rollers, one for environmentalists, and so on and so forth. The number 7 is quite special, much more delectable than a daily double or even a trifecta, so we're pretty sure there's a special heaven for people who venerate the number 7. I think they'll have casinos and riverboats and back-room poker games for all the 7-people who are feeling lucky.

Regarding fiery redheads, be advised that there is non-scientific evidence that redheads spontaneously combust with 16.76438% more frequency than people with any other hair color. There are also reports that redheads roll 7s more often than other people. When they miss, look out because, yeah, boy, redheads have fiery temperaments and you don't want to be in the vicinity when they're highly pissed. This is a genetic condition that they can't help -- it's a throw-back to their ancestors who came from away (Mars, Venus, or something) -- so just stay out of the way 'til they get over it and you'll more than likely live through it. And you might even get lucky if they've thrown a 7 and are in a good mood.

Dear Miss Begotten,
What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it honestly gave a fu....well?
~Kanrei

My dear Kan, these are strange questions. You haven't been out back smoking weeds with the woodchucks, have you?

Fully laden, swallows are typically pretty slow. You are talking about birds, right? See, pack swallows are horrifically overworked. The packs and saddlebags strapped on their fragile little backs are so heavy the poor little things can barely fly. I think it's just criminal. In fact, I consider it avian abuse and am instigating a movement to stop it. Unladen swallows, now -- the ones that fly free and crap all over everybodys' cars -- can reach speeds approaching Mach 1. We know this because if we accept that the speed of an object relative to a fluid medium, divided by the speed of sound in that medium, represented thusly

M = vo/vs

we can then calculate that a naked swallow with no baggage should accelerate to Mach 1 within approximately 34.77 seconds of takeoff. And then they will start crapping.

Thank you for that question! Miss loves to ponder scientific stuff every now and then. Now, then, about the woodchuck -- what, do I look like the Wildlife Channel? The answer, however, is fairly simple. If -- and this is a big if -- the woodchuck honestly gave a flying fluck, he could chuck wood all day long as long as no ducks come by -- because woodchucks have a nasty compulsion to fluck chuck ducks and they get distracted and no wood gets chucked.

Dear Miss Begotten,
Do you wear white after Labor Day?
~RudyBegonia

Dear RB,
Do I look insane to you? I could get run out of town for such a faux pas and I happen to like my town. It is for that reason that I wouldn't dare wear white before Memorial Day, either. I don't handle rules well, but I do pay lip service to that one because I mean, really, white pants when there's two feet of snow on the ground looks pretty gnarly. But, um, RB, you are aware that there are winter whites and ivories and ecrus and such? You can push the rules a little without actually flouting them, if that's what you're after.

Words Gone Wild brought before the TWISTED LINGUISTICS tribunal:

Before you liable yourself - Um, yes, and you can be held accountable for slanderous illiteracy, too.

I perfer - An admission of an unhealthy fondness for tearing paper.

dissiminate - Decimation through dissing.


From that one and only "editor" person:-

read some of the dribble out there - Some people read tea leaves, some read bones and cards and stars. This one's interpreting drool.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are powerful, passionate, and dominant. You have a vision of how things should be, and you do your best to make things happen. People rely on you for your strength. You are a rock to many. Underneath it all, you aren't so sure about your passions. So many ideas spark your interest, it is hard for you to get behind a select few. However, you see indecision as a sign of weakness. So you pursue your goals full force - no matter how foolish they turn out to be.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?