Monday, July 09, 2007

Quest for Fire

I have to go to court Wednesday to testify against the Neighbors From Hell whose landlords are attempting to evict them. I don't want to go. I think I'd rather French-kiss a toad. I have to, though; i.e., I got subpoenaed. What the defendant doesn't know is that the good guys have a secret weapon: all three female witnesses testifying against him are redheads. The defendant will never know what hit him. It will be a total conflagration, with him as kindling. By the time we get through with him, he'll be crying like a little girl and whining for Midol. As much as I dread it, it might actually turn out to be fun. Of course, as unholy hot as it is, there's always the chance that he could spontaneously combust before he ever gets to court. The whole concept of spontaneous combustion fascinates me in a weird sort of way. There are those whose hair on fire I'd pay to see.

I have to say I may think twice about complaining about unruly scumbags again. The guy didn't know who all might have complained about his obnoxious behavior, but after court he will. And he's the type to do something. I may need to line up a few bodyguards.


liers - Instrument wielded by a demented dentist.

write under a non-de-plum - Do not write under plum trees.

I have one plastic fork ... one bowel - This refers to an unfortunate deformity. Don't fork the poor guy.

These, I'm clueless about. Any ideas?


You Should Spend Your Summer at the Beach

You're a free spirit who is always thinking of new ways to have fun.
And you don't just love summer... you live for it.
So, you really should blow off your responsibilities and head to the beach!


Scary Monster said...

Steal any image of the Monster that be on Me page, print it and keep it in yer pocket (preferably breast)and you will have more n enough protection from the bastid neighbor.

Me gonna hafta stop takin them tests. They told me that me perfect vacation would be best spent in a cave.

Actually they said road trip which is exactly what me be itchin fer for a long time now.


Anonymous said...

I don't envy you having testify.
Good luck to you serena.

You Should Spend Your Summer on a Road Trip

For you, the summer is all about possibilities. And you're not going to be tied down.
This is the time for you to embark on an epic road trip, with no ultimate destination in mind.
You know you'll have a ton of crazy adventures... at least until you run out of cash!

NO! NO! I don't want this one, I want to go to the beach like you did.):

G-Man said...

"You should spend your Summer at the Trapp Family Lodge in Bavaria"
You have a Germanic Ancestry
You enjoy Wiener Schnitzel
You know all the words to.."Doe, a deer, a female deer"
You have a penchant for Yodeling
Why Can't I be with you BG?
I'm Non-Plussed!!!!
Have a good day..xoxoxox

Serena Joy said...

That's a good idea, Scary. If I shove Scary Monster in his face and growl a little, he'll tuck his tail and run like a yellow-bellied weasel.

You know, I actually wouldn't mind spending my vacation in a cave.:-)

Thanks, TC. Hey, I think a road trip sounds like fun. And I'm sure there are beaches on the road.:)

G! The Trapp Family Lodge? How on earth did you answer the questions?! Unplus your non and don't sweat it, though. I'm taking everybody to the beach with me. I'm afraid I won't be able to tolerate any yodeling, though.

Roxan said...

***You Should Spend Your Summer in Europe***

You're in to almost all forms of culture - art, music, architecture, food...
And spending a summer at the beach sounds pretty darn boring to you.
So head off to Europe, where you can have your tiramisu (and even eat it on the beach!)

I can make my own tiramisu and I wouldn't visit the country it comes from anyway. If I ever do go to Europe I'll do the British Isles and that's it. I have less than no desire to ever see Paris.

Serena Joy said...

I didn't know what tiramisu was until I looked it up. It sounds wonderful. Man, if I had an opportunity to trek about Europe, I'd want to see it ALL.

Anonymous said...

I'm pround of you for doing your patriotic duty. Give him hell.

Serena Joy said...

I'm gonna give him my best shot, Steve. Hopefully, my aim will be good.:)

Camille Alexa said...

What the defendant doesn't know is that the good guys have a secret weapon: all three female witnesses testifying against him are redheads. The defendant will never know what hit him.


And also Scary Monster, you sly creature! Breast pocket, indeed! Lucky for you, SJ has already expressed a soft spot for green, amphibious men ("...I'd rather French-kiss a toad...").

I suppose context is everything, once it's removed.

That game they play in Itoly and Venezuelo and Spoin, only they call it "footbool".

Charles said...

Body guards would be a wise idea. Maybe you and the other girls can take turns watching out. As for caves, gimme a grenade and put me in the one with Bin Laden...
I don't believe in war, but I do believe in assassinations.

Serena Joy said...

I'm not sure whether Scary is an amphibious monster, Camille, but what the heck -- I'd kiss him for luck. And Cabo, that extraordinarily adorable pink frog, I'd French-kiss.

Ah, so that's what soccor is. When I go for DoucheBag Boy's bools, I'll just claim it's allowed in the soccor rules.:-)

I have a .38 caliber body guard, Charles, but for sure the three of us will be watching out for each other. I think one of the redheads' husbands has a shotgun, too.

I agree with you that there are times when assassination is the only remedy.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Apparently I should vacation in Kazakhstan.

upcomming - when commingling heads upwards to the firmament

diffinitive - different, yet authoratative

soccor - giving succor to a soccer player. Or maybe where all the single socks go from the washer--that happy sock town in the sky.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

P.S. Good luck in court. May that be the closest you ever have to come to judge and jury.

Serena Joy said...

Greeny, where the heck is Kazakhstan? I'm not so sure it's safe to go there.:-)

Good definitions. I now have this warm, fuzzy image in my head of ... Sock Town, where good old socks go to die.

Um, depending on which judge is on the bench, I may have dated him. LOL.

Anonymous said...

I was once a neighbor against whom a complaint was lodged. My landlord totally didn't believe the neighbour who made the complaint. (It was only half true anyway)

You Should Spend Your Summer in the City

You're a trooper, and the summer heat doesn't really get to you.
So you rather stay in the city, where you can sip iced lattes and go to midnight movies.
Forget the beach! You rather be where the good restaurants and stores are.

Summer heat doesn't get to me??? Who the fuck comes up with this shit?

And why the hell does my blog only get a PG-13 rating?? I think it's time to revisit the post titled "Goddam Mother Fucking Piece of Shit"

hm...maybe if I cussed more on my own blog instead of yours I'd get a better rating....

Lee said...

Poor beggar! So true what you say...he won't know what hit him. My mother was a natural redhead! I rest my case! ;)

Serena Joy said...

I'm pretty sure the quiz writers are on drugs, Seeley. I think you've hit the nail on the head -- put that post back up top and you ought to get a better rating. It only took one "fuck" to get me from PG-13 to R. LOL.

I guess we should almost feel sorry for the poor beggar, huh, Lee? Except that he really is an obnoxious bastid. But he's no match for a bunch of redheads.:)

tfg said...

We've got your back, SJ. Of course, this may be a great time to lay low in Baltimore for awhile.

Hale McKay said...

Looks like you're going to have to go on the Blogger Witness Program.

It's so good - even they have never seen or heard from previous protectees!

Hale McKay said...

Blogger Witness Protection Program - that is to say.

Pink said...

upcomming - when the woman is on top

diffinitive - the quintessential weirdo.

soccor - a pre-season support group for football (european) fans

PS - don't joke about spontaneous combustion. For those of us approaching menopause, its a scary thought!

December/Stacia said...

You say "French kiss a toad" like it's a bad thing. What's up with that?

Charles said...

Hoping you have a wonderful day, SJ. Court Countdown T minus 1 day.

Serena Joy said...

T, is there a safe house in Baltimore where I can lay low? Can you send me a map? Will there be ice cream and sodas?:-)

Mike, may I assume you're working on organizing the Witness Protection Program?:)

More great definitions, Pinks. Upcomming sounds pretty good to me.:-) If you're worried about the spontaneous combustion thing, just carry a spritzer bottle. Works every time.

I have to admit, DQ, that I'm partial to the green kind of frogs. Toads are okay as long as they're not those poisonous ones that puff up when they get pissed off. You just have to be more careful with toads; sometimes when you kiss them, they don't want to let go.:-)

A wonderful day to you, too, Charles, and do keep the countdown going. You're signed up for the Bodyguard Brigade, right?:)

MONA said...

O Serena! I can truly empathise with you!! I fear a similar situation coming to me. I just saved a woman from my neighbourhhood from cruel inlaws . They beat her & drove her out & then they called the police to file a petition that she had run away with and that she be sent to an asylum becuse she was mad, had injured herself & torn her clothes.
I told the police that they were lying & that they were trying to save their skin.
They were absconding for days after that. & Now they have a case for which I must testify! BOO HOO!!

But on the brighter side, The girl was saved a lot of torture & being branded as mad!

MONA said...

I only know one

a spinster standing under a tree!

Serena Joy said...

That sounds like an awful situation, Mona. I feel so sorry for that poor woman. Good luck if you have to testify.