Serena's Summer Camp

Summer's heating up and some of us are getting overheated, testy, and bored. But never fear, I have a solution for you -- Serena's Summer Camp.

When you sign up for Camp Howlamoona on beautiful Lake Swampaburninfire, you're guaranteed a good time. If you don't have fun, it's your own fault. And don't bother trying to sue us over it. Process servers will never find the camp.

Camp Howlamoona will offer a whole week's worth of fun activities, and the only thing it will cost you is a genuine desire to let go and enjoy yourself.

Camp Howlamoona features comfortable cabins with screening for mosquito and bat control and bars on the windows to keep out roving bands of hormonal weasels and wild, over-sized bunnies. Each cabin sleeps four and is equipped with two sets of bunk beds; we furnish the linens and towels. There is no electricity, radio, TV, telephone, or Internet. You don't need it; it's camp, for God's sake. You'll figure out how to amuse yourselves. And if you can't, there are remedial classes for that.

The mens' cabins are at the south end of the camp, and the womens' cabins at the north end. If there's any trading places during the night (which is very dark), we don't want to know about it. The camp infirmary is equipped to treat STDs, but we hope you have sense enough not to get one. Be careful in there! Each section has a communal bath house with toilet facilities and cold-water shower. Bring your own toiletries and bath toys. If you're a wuss who's scared of the dark and don't want to look for the privy in the middle of the night, don't sweat it. We provide Depends in assorted sizes.

Your fun week of camp features organized activities to maximize your camping experience.

Monday - Hiking. This is an easy half-day trek up an extinct (we think) volcano and back. You'll take out your mess kits and cook your lunch at the crater before heading back down. Campers should be aware that ascending/descending the eastern slope does require some rappelling. And you must be down by nightfall, as there are confirmed reports of strange creatures that roam at night. We'd really like it if we didn't lose a camper this year. If you have to be out in the dark, ask a counselor for an ash stake.

Tuesday - Painting. Using safe, non-toxic paints in a wide array of rainbow colors, you can colorize your morning hours. Fingerpaint, paint on canvas, decorate your clothes, redecorate your cabin, tie-dye the camp cow, color your hair, redesign your drab belongings, or paint each other. In the afternoon, there will be massage therapy -- provided by highly unqualified non-professionals. None of them speak English, ensuring that whatever happens at Howlamoona stays at Howlamoona.

Wednesday - Writing in the Woods. That's right! Everyone will hike to a clearing deep in the woods, sit in a circle (no ceremonial fire required if it's hot), and write 5,000 words on honest-to-God real paper with a genuine antique pencil. Your pages will be critiqued by your fellow campers at a campfire and marshmallow/weinie roast that night. Bad writing will be thrown into the fire and no more will be said about it. Your evening will be capped off with pig wrestling down in the bog. You can get as down and dirty as you want to be and we promise the pig won't be offended. In fact, the dirtier it is, the better the pig likes it.

Thursday - Tattoo You! Grab your partner and give each other body art to take home and admire for the rest of your lives. You supply the artistry, we furnish the (carefully inspected and Health Department approved) supplies. Jailhouse techniques are strictly prohibited. After all, nobody wants raging flesh-eating bacteria. The camp medic, our beloved Nurse Iona Stiku, can treat it, we think, but we'd rather not take the chance. In any event, please report to the infirmary if you get a fever above 105.

Friday - Beach Party. Beautiful Lake Swampaburninfire is available for your swimming pleasure at any time when you're not engaged in organized activities. We don't recommend night swimming or skinny-dipping due to crocodiles and a lonely, psychotic shark that swims in endless circles around the dock. On Beach Blanket Friday, there are armed lookouts to ensure your safe fun in the water and enjoyment of beach volleyball, sand castle building, unlimited umbrella drinks from the tiki bar (no need to tip the cabana boys), surfing/boogie boarding, canoeing, etc. Oh, and there's a Reggae band if dancing in the sand turns you on.

On Saturday and Sunday, your time is your own -- mainly because the camp counselors will have gone into town to spend the weekend. The contents of the camp kitchen are at your disposal -- you find it, you cook it. The nurse will remain on duty. We're sure you'll want to spend the time communing with nature, channeling your inner child, basket-weaving, potting, star gazing, bird watching (beware of the vultures -- they'll dive-bomb you), admiring the woodland flora and fauna (yes, the infirmary can help if you get into the wrong flora), yada-yada. We do ask that you stay out of the unmapped caves on the lower slopes of the volcano and refrain from jumping off cliffs into the lake without parachutes. No counselors, you know, and Nurse Stiku isn't qualified to treat broken bones, hemorrhaging, strokes, food poisoning, rabies, mumps, or the bends.

Your week in the glorious outdoors will conclude on Sunday night (when the counselors will have sobered up and straggled back to camp) with a big-ass bonfire and ritual whereby you will sing, chant, hop around a little, exchange secret handshakes, and choose one exemplary camper to wear the fabled High (yeah, you'll need to be high to put that on your head) Exalted Horsehead Visor for the evening. At midnight, the Grand Visor will be burned along with all your trash, unwanted paintings, maudlin poetry, yada-yada.

Be sure and sign up today as space is limited. Happy howling!


Today's Words Gone Wild are from our one and only "editor" person. I'm not going to define them. Screw that; I don't have time. I'm getting ready to go to camp.

Less we all forget
hurrendous
spectactular

All righty, then.

Your Attitude is Better than 75% of the Population

You have a good attitude. While a realist, you do see the positive side of most things. People love to be around you.

How's Your Attitude?