Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Serena's Summer Camp

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Summer's heating up and some of us are getting overheated, testy, and bored. But never fear, I have a solution for you -- Serena's Summer Camp.

When you sign up for Camp Howlamoona on beautiful Lake Swampaburninfire, you're guaranteed a good time. If you don't have fun, it's your own fault. And don't bother trying to sue us over it. Process servers will never find the camp.

Camp Howlamoona will offer a whole week's worth of fun activities, and the only thing it will cost you is a genuine desire to let go and enjoy yourself.

Camp Howlamoona features comfortable cabins with screening for mosquito and bat control and bars on the windows to keep out roving bands of hormonal weasels and wild, over-sized bunnies. Each cabin sleeps four and is equipped with two sets of bunk beds; we furnish the linens and towels. There is no electricity, radio, TV, telephone, or Internet. You don't need it; it's camp, for God's sake. You'll figure out how to amuse yourselves. And if you can't, there are remedial classes for that.

The mens' cabins are at the south end of the camp, and the womens' cabins at the north end. If there's any trading places during the night (which is very dark), we don't want to know about it. The camp infirmary is equipped to treat STDs, but we hope you have sense enough not to get one. Be careful in there! Each section has a communal bath house with toilet facilities and cold-water shower. Bring your own toiletries and bath toys. If you're a wuss who's scared of the dark and don't want to look for the privy in the middle of the night, don't sweat it. We provide Depends in assorted sizes.

Your fun week of camp features organized activities to maximize your camping experience.

Monday - Hiking. This is an easy half-day trek up an extinct (we think) volcano and back. You'll take out your mess kits and cook your lunch at the crater before heading back down. Campers should be aware that ascending/descending the eastern slope does require some rappelling. And you must be down by nightfall, as there are confirmed reports of strange creatures that roam at night. We'd really like it if we didn't lose a camper this year. If you have to be out in the dark, ask a counselor for an ash stake.

Tuesday - Painting. Using safe, non-toxic paints in a wide array of rainbow colors, you can colorize your morning hours. Fingerpaint, paint on canvas, decorate your clothes, redecorate your cabin, tie-dye the camp cow, color your hair, redesign your drab belongings, or paint each other. In the afternoon, there will be massage therapy -- provided by highly unqualified non-professionals. None of them speak English, ensuring that whatever happens at Howlamoona stays at Howlamoona.

Wednesday - Writing in the Woods. That's right! Everyone will hike to a clearing deep in the woods, sit in a circle (no ceremonial fire required if it's hot), and write 5,000 words on honest-to-God real paper with a genuine antique pencil. Your pages will be critiqued by your fellow campers at a campfire and marshmallow/weinie roast that night. Bad writing will be thrown into the fire and no more will be said about it. Your evening will be capped off with pig wrestling down in the bog. You can get as down and dirty as you want to be and we promise the pig won't be offended. In fact, the dirtier it is, the better the pig likes it.

Thursday - Tattoo You! Grab your partner and give each other body art to take home and admire for the rest of your lives. You supply the artistry, we furnish the (carefully inspected and Health Department approved) supplies. Jailhouse techniques are strictly prohibited. After all, nobody wants raging flesh-eating bacteria. The camp medic, our beloved Nurse Iona Stiku, can treat it, we think, but we'd rather not take the chance. In any event, please report to the infirmary if you get a fever above 105.

Friday - Beach Party. Beautiful Lake Swampaburninfire is available for your swimming pleasure at any time when you're not engaged in organized activities. We don't recommend night swimming or skinny-dipping due to crocodiles and a lonely, psychotic shark that swims in endless circles around the dock. On Beach Blanket Friday, there are armed lookouts to ensure your safe fun in the water and enjoyment of beach volleyball, sand castle building, unlimited umbrella drinks from the tiki bar (no need to tip the cabana boys), surfing/boogie boarding, canoeing, etc. Oh, and there's a Reggae band if dancing in the sand turns you on.

On Saturday and Sunday, your time is your own -- mainly because the camp counselors will have gone into town to spend the weekend. The contents of the camp kitchen are at your disposal -- you find it, you cook it. The nurse will remain on duty. We're sure you'll want to spend the time communing with nature, channeling your inner child, basket-weaving, potting, star gazing, bird watching (beware of the vultures -- they'll dive-bomb you), admiring the woodland flora and fauna (yes, the infirmary can help if you get into the wrong flora), yada-yada. We do ask that you stay out of the unmapped caves on the lower slopes of the volcano and refrain from jumping off cliffs into the lake without parachutes. No counselors, you know, and Nurse Stiku isn't qualified to treat broken bones, hemorrhaging, strokes, food poisoning, rabies, mumps, or the bends.

Your week in the glorious outdoors will conclude on Sunday night (when the counselors will have sobered up and straggled back to camp) with a big-ass bonfire and ritual whereby you will sing, chant, hop around a little, exchange secret handshakes, and choose one exemplary camper to wear the fabled High (yeah, you'll need to be high to put that on your head) Exalted Horsehead Visor for the evening. At midnight, the Grand Visor will be burned along with all your trash, unwanted paintings, maudlin poetry, yada-yada.

Be sure and sign up today as space is limited. Happy howling!

Today's Words Gone Wild are from our one and only "editor" person. I'm not going to define them. Screw that; I don't have time. I'm getting ready to go to camp.

Less we all forget

All righty, then.

Your Attitude is Better than 75% of the Population

You have a good attitude. While a realist, you do see the positive side of most things. People love to be around you.


Roxan said...

***Your Attitude is Better than 60% of the Population***

You have a good attitude. While a realist, you do see the positive side of most things. People love to be around you.

Summer camp? Okay!

Charles said...

Doh! Some of it sounds like a blast. I couldn't go for a week without my internet, though. That's a deal breaker for me. That lake sounds like hell, too. If I had to cook my own lunch, I wouldn't need to ask for an ash steak. Gimme Summer Camp on the beach, with at least a wifi connection, I'll consider.

Less we all forget - improving collective memory.
hurrendous - Drawing a picture of a large tropical disturbance.
spectactular - special glasses worn by a mammary examination specialist.

littlebirdblue said...

Less we all forget
...the more we know?

1)in a stupendous hurry
2)thunderous as a hurricane

eyesight as sharp as spectacles and contacts, put together

Queenie said...

I was sold for two weeks! But then I remembered, I can't swim that far, please sent me a postcard!!!

Variant E said...

They still make pencils?

I'd go to camp if I wasn't heading out to one on Friday. Well, a safari in Africa that is...

Serena Joy said...

You're going to love summer camp, Roxan. :-)

Sorry, Charles -- roughing it at summer camp means no modern conveniences. But just think -- you can get a really cool tattoo. Free!

Love your definitions. I do take note of the male (your) and female (LBB) perspectives on spectactular. :-)

Thank you, LBB. You and Charles were both thinking hurricanes. Good thinking! Your "less" is excellent deductive reasoning as well.

You can swim the lake, Queenie, I promise. And just think of all the cool postcards you can send home from camp.:-)

Those antique pencils were very hard to obtain, VE. Oh, my -- you're going off to Africa while we plebes must make do with camp. Lucky you!:-)

Charles said...

The only time I ever considered a tattoo was when I was 19, I could think of nothing I would want to live with for the rest of my life that I didn't come up in the first place. I guess I'm that way with women, too. I haven't found one that wanted to live with me for the rest of their life, and in retrospect, I'm glad.

Charles said...

come with. come with. that's what I told my fingers to type.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Charles. Lord help me if I ever think of something I could live with for the rest of my life. They wouldn't be able to keep me out of the tattoo parlor then. IF they could hypnotize me into being okay with the needles.:-)

tfg said...

I agree with Charles. Sometimes I think that the "Born To Kill" Tattoo on my forehead was a mistake.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, wow, T, I am so jealous! I want that on MY forehead. That would make a much better fashion statement than the 'Born to Lose' I was thinking of getting on my butt.:-)

Charles said...

Keep your eyes on this watch as I swing it back and forth.
You are getting sleepy.
You are getting sleepy.
You are getting sleepy.
You are getting sleepy.
You are getting sleepy.
You are getting sleepy.
You are getting sleepy.
You are getting sleepy.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, man, Charles, that's a lot of hypnotizing. They're going to use HUGE needles on me, aren't they? Better keep swinging the watch.:-)

G-Man said...


First of all NO Rapelling for the G-Man!

Second, I get the bottom bunk!

Third,I would like the cabin closest to Serena Joy!!

...And speaking of Serena Joy...Serena?
That pic today?
Off the fricken chart HOT!
The smile.
The pose.
The style.
The ellegance
The Sandals
And dare I say it?
The Feet!!
Serena...Thats as good of an HNT as I could have ever asked for from you. In my mind you took this for me...Thanks xox

PPS. What a great, funny,and creative post idea...You rock!!!!! xox

Serena Joy said...

Thank you, G. Full moon's coming, you know. God only knows what will pop out of my keyboard between then and now.

Oh, goody, G-man's going to camp! Yes! You can actually have any cabin you want. Nobody's going to stay where they're assigned. We all know that. LOL. Sorry, but I really have to have the bottom bunk. I'm scared of heights. You don't mind being on top, do you?

Glad you liked the pic, but the only reason I kept it was for the sparkly shoes. :-)

Top cat said...

I don't wanna go..please don't make me go!
I want luxury baby!

Your Attitude is Better than 50% of the Population

You have a positive attitude... somtimes. You prefer to see the world through clear glasses, not rose colored ones.

DAMN IT!!! I'm such a

Serena Joy said...

Aw, now, you know you want to go to camp, TC. Where else are you going to get the chance to climb volcanoes and swim with crocodiles?

Sorry, dude, the "Loser" tat belongs to me.:-)

puerileuwaite said...

Finally! A place to go where I don't have to "pitch my own tent". I only have a few questions:

1) Can you move the tattooing to Day 1? The longer I'm in the wild, the shakier my forehead swastikas get.

2) Can I substitute gold spray paint? I've been on a James Bond kick lately.

3) Can we keep the bath houses heterosexual on even numbered days so as not to exclude yours truly?

4) Can we do crafts, such as making wallets out of our own foreskin?

5) There was no mention of body piercing. Can we dovetail this activity into archery time?

6) Will bareback riding be offered? How about on horseback?

Let me know ASAP, so that I have ample time to mark all of my underwear.

Serena Joy said...

Puggy, the answer to all your questions is "Yes." All dates and times are only suggested. The truth is, there will be no rules whatsoever. Start marking your underwear. I do hope you're talking about Magic Marker or something. I'm particularly excited about seeing you spray-painted gold. And Piercing Day.:-)

Hale McKay said...

Wow! I haven't been camping in ages!

As for the pig wrestling - I sure hope it isn't Rosie O'Donnell! Yuk!

Now I understand why you didn't want to wear the horse hat! You were saving it for camp!

I'd better practice with pencil and paper before leaving - if I can find any. By the way, what does a pencil look like?

It looks like that while I'm there I'll have to come up with a new parody of "Camp Granada." Hmmm... now to figure out a rhyme for "Howlamoona."

Charles said...

Hey Hale,
You could use jillie's Hot Tuna.

Serena Joy said...

Not to worry, Mike. You'll be wrasslin' with a gen-yew-wine 4-legged barnyard porcine.

Start sewing labels in your underwear and work on that camp song. Camp starts soon!

ThatGreenyFlower said...

SJ, I'm in. I don't mind sharks too much--and that one sounds lonely.

I'm a pissy curmudgeon--that's what my BlogThing said. I think it also recommended Prozac.

Less we all forget - the more we have all taken our gingko biloba

hurrendous - Katrina. 'Nuff said.

spectactular - SO well-mannered!

I loved today's photo, too! I don't know your age but I am pretty much certain that you're never going to get old. Rock on, cutie!

ThatGreenyFlower said...

P.S. I think that if you make a wallet out of your own foreskin, it'll turn into an attache case if you rub it. That's for Pug.

Serena Joy said...

Good heavens, Greeny, the Blog-Thing insulted you! I'm shooting it just as soon as I can get into my Xena outfit.

The shark will be very glad of some company, I'm sure. LOL. Thanks for another set of rockin' definitions.

Thanks, sweetie. Truth is, I'm old as freakin' sin, but the day I start seeing myself as "old" is no doubt the day I'll croak.

Re your P.S. to Puggy -- won't that be some odd looking package?!:-)

G-Man said...


(love that moon)

Serena Joy said...

I know you don't mean that, G. Careful ain't no fun, especially when the moon is shining.:-)

Lee said...

Now this post has certainly warmed me up! It's cold down this I'll just have to do a bit of day-dreaming. :) Sounds like a fun time...but, I, too, would miss my computer and the Net...being addicted to it, of course!

Serena Joy said...

But you're coming to camp anyway, right, Lee?:-)

Charles said...

Just so I get this perfectly clear, Lake Howlamoona was named in reference to Luna, right? There are other moons out there, so I was just wondering.
You can add one of my own stupid mistakes to your "Words Gone Wild" - responce. How do these get by me?

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Charles. When it's full and you have to howl, any moon'll do.

It's easy for words to slip by. I do it all the time.:)

Charles said...

Er, that'd be Camp Howlamoona. I'm slipping like a banana peel on teflon.

Serena Joy said...

Careful, Charles. That sounds like a pretty slippery slope. I've learned to keep the teflon in a separate room from the bananas. I'm accident prone, you know.:-)

Gardener Greg said...

Sign me up. How about on the weekends we play musical cabins. That's where the ladies go cabin to cabin while the music plays but when it stops that's where you sleep. I am all for it but I doubt is DW is. :(

Serena Joy said...

Mais oui, Greg, musical cabins should definitely be added to the lineup of camp activities. I think that would make for some happy campers.:-)

Scary Monster said...

Me got a pathetically low scor on today's test. Me thinks a stay at your camp be juast the thing Me needs. But me will be offering jailhouse tats for a reasonable price in the huts set way in the back, where the lighting be bad and the beer flows freely.


Scary Monster said...

Charles and SJ sittin in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love.
Then comes marriage.
Then comes a law suit in a Ba-by carriage.

Tee Hee.

Serena Joy said...

Scary, we can fix you up with a jailhouse tattooing hut. It'll be dark but with enough beer nobody will notice that you colored outside the lines.

Disclaimer: If Charles is pregnant, it's not mine.