Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Losing My Perception

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Life is bigger,
It's bigger than you,
And you are not me,
The lengths that I will go to,
The distance in your eyes,
Oh, no, I've said too much,
I set it up.

("Losing My Religion," R.E.M.)

I'm not losing my religion. I have no prescribed and approved religion to lose. What I seem to have lost lately is my -- what is the word I'm looking for? Empathy? Sensitivity? Objectivity? My intuition, God forbid?

I've always been blessed (or perhaps cursed, depending on your perspective) with the ability to see both sides of just about every story. That ability is suddenly fleeting and on the wane. My patience quotient is at an all-time low. If patience is a virtue, I am a fallen woman. I don't think I'm becoming set in my ways, or pig-headed. Apparently, I'm just off my feed; temporarily, I presume. I hope; otherwise, I would no longer be me. I'm not sure what this is. Simply a period of discontent? Seasonal affect? Hormones? A phase? Do people my age go through phases?

I used to have a pretty good idea why people did things. Anybody. Anything. It didn't matter that I vehemently disagreed with what they did. I understood on some fundamental, possibly atavistic, level why they did it. Now I find that my thinking is leaning rather dramatically toward, "Why would they do that? And once done, why would they do that?" Or, "What in the hell are they thinking? If they would say/do that, they're idiots or egomaniacs or clinging violets or ... dirt!" And then I'm liable to mutter something to the effect of, "Asshole!" "Moron!" "Flipping coward!" I'm asking myself more and more, "What did you do that for? Did you really do that? Are you insane?!"

It's an enigma. And a dilemma. I probably need to think about it and, in the process, work it out. I don't like thinking in linear black and white. I used to at least know why I did things. I could damn well justify it, too. Lately, I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm slipping over the border into the Dark Side. Maybe it won't be so bad there.

I got a card yesterday from an old friend, one who goes back to my "hippie days" and beyond. You open up the card and it plays "Age of Aquarius." I love it!


diety - A skinny, self-absorbed god or goddess.

competion - A secret move known in dog-show circles.

obssessive and comulsive - This is very sick.

Boudreaux and his wife Clotille lived on a little farm outside Mamou. One day Clotille said, "Mais, Boudreaux, you have to get rid of dat dog. All he does is lie under de front porch and turn over da trashcans." Boudreaux said, "Okay, cher. I'll get rid of him."

He put him in the pickup, drove down the road a couple of miles and dumped him out. He drove home and in a few minutes the dog showed up. So he put him back in the truck, drove several more miles and dumped him out. After getting back home, the dog showed up again.

Clotille said, "You have to take him out and drive around and around a lot in circles, den dump him out. Dat way he won't know da way home."

Boudreaux said, "You some smart, Clotille, and dat's why I marry you."

Boudreaux took the dog, drove all around and zigzagged a lot, then dumped the dog out. He started back home, but pulled over and parked and called Clotille on his cell phone. "Has dat dog come back yet?"

Clotille answered "Yes, he jus come in."

Boudreaux say, "Well, put him up to dat phone - I'm lost."

You Are 85% Creative

You are an incredibly creative person. For you, there are no bounds or limits to your creativity.
Your next creation could be something very great... Or at least very cool!


Roxan said...

***You Are 90% Creative***

You are an incredibly creative person. For you, there are no bounds or limits to your creativity.
Your next creation could be something very great... Or at least very cool!

Always having been a blunt person, empathy was never one of my strong points. When I haven't said something to someone it isn't because I haven't thought of it. As you well know.

Scary Monster said...

He SJ. Sorry to have been away. Dion some maintenance on me machine and browser and the poo has kinda hit the fan.

Have a happy. No. Make that a double!


MXI said...

56% Creative...
That explains alot.

I used to laugh at grumpy old men, and now I'm becoming one! (Grumpy,not old)

Anonymous said...

I understand these feelings.
I believe they are a transition phase for us. As we hopefully grow, those parameters we use to guide us change.

Age of Aquarius..awesome!
Hey give me HAIR, shoulder length or
You Are 75% Creative

You are beyond creative. You are a true artist - even if it's not in the conventional sense of the word.
You love creating for its own sake, and you find yourself quite inspired at times.

How do you come up with such interesting stuff EVERYDAY? I'm at a low point in my creativity.
I was going through my archives looking for something and came across some of my writings and I went WTF happened? I'm lucky if I can put two sentences together.LOL

Serena Joy said...

Yes, you and I understand each other, Roxan. There are days when you might be the only person on the planet who doesn't believe I'm a raving lunatic. LOL. I think you have more empathy than you're giving yourself credit for.

Hello, my scary little Stompypoo. Don't leave the poo in the fan. It makes a big mess. A happy double sounds good to me. Happy, Happy to you, too.:)

LOL, MXI. I'm not old, either, even on my grumpiest day. And anybody who says different, I'll kill 'em freakin' dead.:)

Yes, TC, but transitioning into what? Do you think that I could be turning -- normal? LOL. I SO fondly remember 'Hair.' That was one hell of a good summer. Honestly, some days I just sit and let my keyboard go stream of consciousness. Since it's just the thoughts pouring out of my head, I don't see it as creative. As far as making up stuff, most days I don't feel like I can put two sentences together, either. I think you, on the other hand, do a fine job.

Kanrei said...

I find myself in the middle of the two extremes. I can see both sides to most anything yet still cannot understand why most people make the choices they do. I find most people will make the worst possible choices on any given subject almost 100% of the time. Almost like they are hardwired to screw up daily. Maybe I am one of those people come to think of it...maybe I am the only one and that is why most other choices seem so wrong, because it was not what I would choose and I would be wrong. To the insane world, the sane person is a lunatic after all.

leelee said...

~*~You Are 80% Creative~*~

You are beyond creative. You are a true artist - even if it's not in the conventional sense of the word.
You love creating for its own sake, and you find yourself quite inspired at times.

Boudreaux ROCKS!!

When the moooooooon is in the 7th house......and Jupiter aligns with Mars...then peace will guide the planets and love will rule the stars!!

Yeah sorry I have been "among the missing" too...been dealing with some personal happens! I'm reading ya though...HUGS!!

Roxan said...

I'm just good at faking tactfulness. LOL

Serena Joy said...

Makes sense to me, Kan. I understand the rationale for people making bad decisions, which doesn't mean I understand why they actually go through with them. All in all, I think that as long as I myself question my own lunacy, I'm probably safe from the asylum. So are you.

Sing it, Leelee! I know you're busy, babe; don't worry about it. Hope the personal stuff is all working out okay.

You and me both, Roxan. Sometimes faking it is harder than actually telling somebody, "Stop it and go away, you silly useless twit!" I know that sometimes we want to name names at twit roll call. Since we don't want to get beaten up on the playground, we have to keep faking the tact.:)

Anonymous said...

noooooooo, I don't you're becoming normal. You're transitioning to the next stage, which means when you get to the top ring of the ladder, you are at the bottom of the next ladder.:)

Corn Dog said...

HAhahahaha. I LOVED that joke. I laughed so hard. My kind of joke. Ok, now where were we? Oh yeah. I think I laughed too much and deprived my brain of oxygen. SJ, maybe you have every right to be a little barky. hahahaha I said "barky." But doesn't it seem to you that there is a certain lack of reason in this age. Isn't everyone screaming "STOP!" to to GWB and he just keeps plodding along. It's like we are a nation led by an idiot. It makes the regular folks feel like we are being drug around without a choice and yes, finally we turn testy and some turn apathetic. I don't want to blame it on the times but I do think we would be a whole lot better off removing ourselves from Iraq and acting civilized and with reason. It's all so crazy. After a while it makes everyone act crazy and uncaring.

tfg said...

I used to spend inordinate amounts of time analyzing people's motives in an attempt to determine why they did what they. Unfortunately, the answers were not that varied and usually depressing.

Serena Joy said...

I don't know, TC. All that ladder climbing sounds like something that would make me dizzy. Plus, with my luck I'd probably fall off the damn thing.:)

Don't worry about your brain, CD. Mine hasn't had a real good hit of oxygen since around 1972. I'm okay. I AM. Everything else is GWB's fault. He made me ... barky. Which does beat barfy, I must say, though he does have his moments. Seriously, you're right, there is a lack of reason, lack of choice, and a great deal of testiness.

There really aren't that many different motives, are there, T? They usually involve love/sex, money, power, or stupidity. It is kind of depressing to watch people try to pull it off time after time, even when you know what's coming and why.

Corn Dog said...

I have to say, SJ, I think in your profession you see the worst of the worst. After a while, it can simply be wearing on your soul.

I want a motive and an agenda. Everyone else has one.

Serena Joy said...

Nah, it really doesn't get to me, CD. A lot of the time, I just hustle them out the door so I can collapse in a laughing fit. Like the one who won his case but wanted to appeal anyway because the judge said he could probably use some therapy. We told him not to press his luck -- and gave him the names of some shrinks.

I can give you an agenda. Just pick one of the motives and you'll be set.:)

Corn Dog said...

I'm shaking my head. People are so crazy. I see those pictures of your office and it would crack me totally dealing with those whack jobs like that day after day.

Serena Joy said...

CD, every now now and then we get one I'm scared to be left alone with, but they're pretty harmless for the most part. Your medical team is much scarier!

puerileuwaite said...

In order to determine if it's a phase, I'll have to see your moon.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I'm 69% creative, but I answered some of those questions creatively, too.

I've gotten more judgemental as I've aged (not that YOU'RE aging or anything). Some of it for me is because my job basically involves cleaning up the messes that people's bad decisions have left them with. Some days I just look at people and think, "You dumb cluck, YOU did this to yourself and you're pissed at ME because it's irreparable now?" Some of it is gallows humor that my sort are known for. It's almost a shield that separates "them" from "us" so I don't get personally devastated if something goes wrong. It's not good nor just is.

All the same, I battle to keep it from becoming a habit. I'm basically a happy, loving person; if I allow my negative feelings too much room, I become a disgruntled, bitchy person. The meds help a lot with this. =)

Serena Joy said...

Okay, Puggy, but you'll have to put on shades. The glow will blind you.:)

Clearly, I need better meds, Greeny. LOL. No, seriously, I see what you're saying. A lot of this stuff can be chalked up to gallows humor. Sometimes it's hard to avoid being judgmental, and some of this crap does deserve to be judged, but I try. Now that I'm not old, perhaps I'll mellow out a little.:)

P.S. I've never seen you bitchy.

tfg said...

Precisely, an abundance of self-serving behaviors. The only interesting part is seeing how others perceive what their best interest is and how often they are very wrong.

Serena Joy said...

You said it, T. Most profoundly. We ought to set up a sidewalk headshrinking kiosk.:)

Malnurtured Snay said...

Isn't "losing my religion" about masturbation?

littlebirdblue said...

***You Are 88% Creative***


If patience is a virtue, I am a fallen woman. is fabulous.

Pink said...

I am only creative when I am asked my age.

Yes. People our age get to have phases. Unfortunately, people from younger ages label us as having 'crises'. Rat Bastards. Why would the DO that?

Actually, I used to think I could figure folks out. Now I find I can't be bothered. I don't care why they did that or didn't do that. All I care about right now is whether I want that in my life.

This is a very new phase for me. Probably brought on by a crisis.

Anonymous said...

ok, we'll skip the ladder analogy.:)
Hope you have a great day.
I'll be back later.

G-Man said...

"Losing My Religion", was a great song and a real eye-opener. I believe that is what most people of our generation really feel!

Serena, you are wonderfully creative, and you never ever have a dull or boring post...
Galen xox

Serena Joy said...

I don't know, Snay. If I ever heard that, I don't remember now. And if that's true, then I hereby declare it permissible and socially acceptable.:)

Thanks, Camille. Every now and then, some phrase just clicks.

I'm about to start getting creative in the age department, too, Pinks. LOL. I DO understand your new phase. I think it's the same one I'm in, and woe to any Rat Bastard who wants to give us a "crisis.":)

I think I can do ladders today, TC. Look, Ma, no hands! Have a great day, TC.

Right on, Galen -- it's an anthem-worthy song. Trust me, I have LOADS of dull, anti-creative days, but I'm thinking today maybe won't be one of them. We shall see. YOU have a splendid day, g-man.

Charles said...

Maybe you're just suffering from the effect of the rightwing's having moved further right. If you see more going wrong on that side, wouldn't you then question your own moves and motives more?
Or maybe you're just becoming more self aware, blogging might have something to do with increased introspection.

Serena Joy said...

You may be right, Charles -- on all points. As soon as my brain pops to life this morning, I'll think about them.:)

Liz said...

There's just one more step to go: when you neither know nor care why you did that. Relax, let it happen. It's great when you get here.

I love that Boudreaux!

And I am convinced that the writer of REM's songs simply picks words at random from a dictionary and links them all together.

Serena Joy said...

"Relax, let it happen..." True words of wisdom, Liz. Life is so much easier when you just do that.

Lee said...

I think birthday wishes are due somewhere here! So....Happy Birthday, Serena. :)

Serena Joy said...

Thanks very much, Lee.