Monday, May 28, 2007

Dog Day Afternoon

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Today is dog-washing day. I don't want to do it. Dog doesn't want me to do it. It has to be done, though. Dog's smelling pretty -- doggie.

There's a method to this operation which must be carefully adhered to. First, I must assemble all my implements of torture -- slowly, one piece at a time, so the dog doesn't get wise to what's up. She's smart; if she sees me coming with this stuff, she'll run.

I know, I hear what you're saying -- "So, catch her!"

I can catch her, assuming I can head her off before she reaches the safety of her hidey-hole; i.e., under the sofa in the den. Any time she wants to be alone or doesn't want to be grabbed up and groomed, she shimmies her little butt up under there and the only way to get her out before she's ready is to move the couch. It's best to catch her before it comes to that.

I'll quietly assemble in the kitchen the scissors (because there are hairballs to remove), Q-tips (for the ears), towels, a washcloth, doggie shampoo, her brush, and the doggie bathtub. I won't clue her in on what's up until everything is ready -- and I have someone to help hold her down. It's amazing how easily a 22-pound dog can knock me over if she's pissed enough. I'll trim off the hairballs that long-haired, active dogs are so prone to, brush her smooth, and plop her in the tub. She'll act petrified, and cover me in frantic kisses hoping to make me see the error of my ways and rescue her from the death waters. I will, of course, kiss her back, because it reassures both of us. She will buck and kick like a wild wombat enraged at being captured. She will snort, moan, groan, spit, and wiggle, beseeching me with mournful eyes for mercy, desperate to make me comprehend that I am endangering her life and injuring her dignity. I will pretend to be blind to her drama, though, as I lather her up and scrub her down, then towel dry her (because she truly is mortified of the blow dryer) 'til she's fluffy and no longer spraying water everywhere as she shakes spasmodically.

Once this ordeal is over, she's going to be fit to be tied and will immediately head for the safety of her hidey-hole. She'll stay under there and sulk until I coax her out with something especially good to eat. At least, she'll smell good. Once I throw a burger on the grill for her tonight, all will be forgiven.

I wish somebody would give me a nice, relaxing bath. I'm sore and bruised six ways from Sunday from doing too much stuff involving bending, lifting, squatting, and pushing yesterday. Dog's got it made in the shade and doesn't even know it.



TWISTED LINGUISTICS

Contratulations - Saluting a contraption.

suppose to work - Pondering and guessing about whether to work or not to work.

pinking sheers - I'm sure this must have something to do with lingerie.

bare with me - In other words, "Let's get naked."


Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grandma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier.

So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax. So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Baton Rouge to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, still no climax. They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the towel.

They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it was over, Boudreaux smugly looked down at the young man and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now THAT's how ya wave da towel!"

Today's quiz is courtesy of Hale McKay.

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruit on it. They are:
A. Apple
B. Banana
C. Strawberry
D. Peach
E. Orange

Which fruit would you choose? Please think very carefully and don't rush into it. Your choice reveals a lot about you.

For Test Results, Please SCROLL DOWN.

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If you have chosen:

A. Apple: You are a person who prefers apples!
B. Banana: You are a person who prefers bananas!
C. Strawberry: You are a person who prefers strawberries!
D. Peach: You are a person who prefers peaches!
E. Orange: You are a person who prefers oranges!

21 comments:

Charles said...

Oh my, I like peaches.
Hope you're doing well.
You kiss your dog? Do you know where that mouth has been?

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I'm just a peach, I guess!!

Our dog submits very, very hopelessly to her baths. I think she secretly enjoys them but doesn't want anyone to know so she pretends they make her depressed.

It's still pretty hard to lift a passively-resisting 40 lb dog into the bathtub...Thank goodness we don't have to worry about doggy hairballs. (Those build up under the furniture instead.)

Today: Home Depot! YEAH!!

Roxan said...

Peaches and strawberries. I'm glad raspberries weren't on the list. Those things are nasty. LOL

Been a long time since I've had to bathe a dog.

Serena Joy said...

I know, Charles. Puppy kisses are mighty sweet, though, so I try not to think about where that mouth has been.:)

I love yummy, juicy peaches, too. Peaches AND strawberries are even better.

Dogs are just fur-wearing drama queens, Greeny. Lord love 'em. Details on the Home Depot run!

My doggie's clean. Now I smell. LOL.

Seeley deBorn said...

Thank goodness The Boy likes bubbles. I can coax him in with rose scented bubble bath every time.

I love the "bare with me" one!

Top cat said...

I dread washing the dog almost as much as he does.
Yesterday was trim the bunnies nails day, not a fun task.

LMA0 at waving the towel.
I think I gave the wrong answer on the fruit quiz.):

Serena Joy said...

Seeley, it's too bad my pup could care less about scented bubble bath. I loved the "bare" one, too. LOL.

Aw, TC, you got bunnies? Bunnies are so cute. I'm not sure there IS a wrong answer to the fruit quiz.:)

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

wow. what kinds of things were you doing in terms of pushing and yanking you saucy girl?

shh...i'm a person who prefers strawerries. Don't tell anyone!
xx
pinks

Serena Joy said...

Alas, I was doing nothing saucily fun, Rev. Pinks. Damn it.

Your strawberry secret is safe with me.:)

tfg said...

I had a dog that was just like greeny's. She's pretend to hate getting washed, but I think she actually liked it. Particularly if we used the same shampoo that we used. I guess this reinforced that she was a family member, too.

Serena Joy said...

LOL. I don't think my dog's faking it. I think she really does hate it. Maybe she'd like it better if I used my shampoo on her; I hadn't thought of that.

Hale McKay said...

A bowl of strawberries in milk with sugar - my idea of mana!

Serena Joy said...

Oh, LAWD yes, Mike. That's some good eatin'.:)

Corn Dog said...

The dog bath sounds so familiar. I have a new trick I do. I ask them if they want to go for a walk and then walk them to the dog bath place. It is the ultimate trick. I should be ashamed. The Big Dog is always the one that is most stunned - shaking and shivering, like what have you done to my favorite thing - the walk. You have turned it into "the bath."

Lee said...

You made me laugh with the dog washing episode, Serena...so reminiscent of when I used to wash Missy, a black cocker spaniel I had. You're so right...they know! Missy used to head off for her secure hiding place, too!

Serena Joy said...

We go to the Dog Bath Place every couple of months, CD. For her, it ruins her Car Ride and earns me The Look.

Yep, Lee, they know. Every time.

littlebirdblue said...

L-dog got a bath yesterday, too! He smells mighty clean.

Serena Joy said...

A clean, good smelling dog is a fine thing to have, Camille.:)

Charles said...

Isn't "clean, good smelling dog" kind of an oxymoron?

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Charles. I'm guessing you're not a dog person?:)

Charles said...

I'm not much of a pet person anymore, although I had pets much of my younger life. After losing so many of them, you get tired of the loss. Its much easier to not get attached to a pet than to mourn one.

After my daughter won a couple of goldfish at the fair, and having them sick for the better part of a year, spending money trying to cure their maladies, I decided to have no more pets of any kind. Fact is I'm considering the same for house plants, too.

At least when your computer dies, you can do a transplant yourself.