Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Anti-Barbie

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Remember the Barbie Bandits?

One of two young women charged with robbing a bank while laughing and wearing sunglasses says she didn't worry about the crime's consequences because "we had an inside man." Heather Johnston said she didn't consider how the February 27th crime might terrify other bank customers because the teller was in on the plan. Duh.

The so-called Barbie Bandits were videotaped wearing sunglasses and laughing as they strolled into an Acworth, Georgia, Bank of America and proceeded to rob it of approximately $11,000.00. Johnston and Ashley Miller were arrested two days later, along with a bank teller and another man.

Johnston said the idea of robbing a bank began as a joke, but things didn't go quite as expected. The two partners in crime, for example, never got the wigs they had planned on. And ... after getting lost on the way to the bank, they initially went to the wrong bank branch. "We took a wrong turn somewhere, ended up going to a completely different Bank of America," Johnston said.

As the teller gave them the money, the cash nearly got away from them, too. "He started throwing it and it was like going everywhere," Johnston said.

Johnston also laughs about the stylish sunglasses she and Miller wore during the caper. "Like, we called them our stunner shades," she said.

Immediately after the robbery, Johnston and Miller went straight to the mall -- to an upscale salon to get highlights in their hair. Then they shopped, went to a restaurant to eat, and gave some money to the homeless (like regular debutantes).

"Some of the stuff we did was pretty ignorant," Johnson acknowledged. Gee, do you think? Both were charged with felony theft and ... marijuana possession and are free on bond.

Heather Johnston had planned a career as a dental hygienist, but instead of taking her scholarship to Gainesville State College, she went to work as an exotic dancer, where she she met Ashley Miller.

Dum-dee-dum-dum.

Since it's Saturday, many of you are probably cleaning house. I have to do it myself. I mean, I really have to. It's so bad even I can't stand it. For those in the same boat, here's a few Helpful Anti-Barbie Household Hints.

*Budweiser Beer will condition your hair. And if it doesn't, if you've used enough you won't care.

*Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish. Also doubles as a pepper spray substitute in a pinch.

*Cool Whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes. If there's any left over, we hear there are, er, other uses for this product, too.

*Mayonnaise will KILL LICE. It will also condition your hair. Don't reuse.

*Elmer's Glue - Paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads peel away with it. Don't do this in front of small children.

*Shiny Hair - Rinse in brewed Lipton Tea, and then you can drink the rinse water.

*Minor burn - Rub Colgate or Crest toothpaste on it. This is good to know when you get so frustrated you bite through the cord of the vacuum cleaner.

*Burn your tongue on one of those mysterious kitchen appliances? Put sugar on it!

*Arthritis? Apply WD-40 Spray and rub in; kills insect sting pain, too.

*Chigger bite - Smear Preparation H on it -- and keep your clothes on next time you're in the woods.

*Paper cut - Put Crazy Glue or Chapstick on it, then dance around for four minutes chanting the Voodoo Curse words you looked up on the Internet.

*Stinky feet - Rub them with Jello. (The green flavor is very good for this.) Then seriously throw out that used Jello and don't try serving it to the in-laws for Sunday dinner. They'll smell it a mile away.

*Kool-Aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle. It will also clean a toilet. Kool-Aid is potent stuff, which is why so many cults like it.

*Kool-Aid can be used as a dye in paint also. To tie-dye tee-shirts, mix a solution of Kool-Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt, and soak. If it doesn't take, you can use the sugar-laden tee-shirt as an adult pacifier.

*Kool-Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint. Your kids will love it, and it won't hurt them if they eat it.

*Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray. Pam will also remove paint and grease from your hands and temporarily blind people who annoy you.

*Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls. If it doesn't, throw out the doll and tell the kid Santa repossessed it.

*A Slinky will hold toast and CDs while entertaining you in the kitchen.

*To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste and wipe clean.

*Wine stains - Pour on Morton's salt and watch the psychedelic pattern as it absorbs into the salt. If that doesn't work, add a small amount of lighter fluid and strike a match. The flames will have a pretty pink tint as the room burns.

*Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour into an empty 35-mm film container, and mix with the food color of your choice and allow to cool.

*Preserving a newspaper clipping - Mix a large bottle of club soda and 1/2 cup of milk of magnesia -- soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years! If it doesn't work, substitute vodka for the club soda, milk for the milk of magnesia (unless you're irregular), stir, and drink. Da!

*Remove labels off glassware, etc. - Rub with peanut butter! WD 40 works good on this one, too.

*Baked-on food - Fill the container with water, put in a Bounce static remover and softener sheet. Soak overnight. The static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked-on food to adhere to it. Also, you can use 2 Efferdent tablets and soak overnight. If you have false teeth, you can just throw them in the gunky container -- kill two birds with one stone.

* Crayon on the wall - Squirt Colgate toothpaste on the wall and make your kids brush it. If they balk, go get the chainsaw and start on the northernmost support beam.

* Grease Stains - Coca Cola. It will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. Also takes corrosion from batteries. Drink the leftovers at your peril.



TWISTED LINGUISTICS

Okay, wordsmiths, what do you think? Can we get some definitions here?

privilage
croud
explaines
convienient
not doing that per say
unlikily
hereos

simplily - This one, I'm taking myself because -- I know what it is! It's a simpering lily vamping it up, preferably a tiger lily.











You Are 58% Pure



You're not so innocent... in fact, you're quite unpure.
You have seen and experience a lot. And you're no worse for the wear!




23 comments:

littlebirdblue said...

***You Are 35% Pure***


Pure? Sure, you're about as pure as yellow snow.
You're a downright devil. But you're also a pretty delightful one!
_________________________________

privilage: the age at which you can start to play the "old lady" card. It gets you better service and discounts and very little guff.

croud: curse slang; "Oh croud! Did I forget to unleash the children again?"

explaines: what they call those makeover-show people AFTER all the operations and the hair extensions and the forty pounds of makeup.

convienient: a felon who vies with his cell-mate for your attention

not doing that per say: "don't tell me what to do."

unlikily: when a dog greets you, keeping his tongue well in check (and in his own mouth)

hereos: the new dunkable cookie with the rich creamy center, only faster than a speeding bullet and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. No, seriously.

Steve G said...

Funny post. I particularly like your Fade Away lyrics. I'm a big fan of the Rolling Stones. Congrats on the goodness that Scary Monster bestowed on you.

Annie Wicking and Loman Austen said...

Hi It's Annie here,
You have a very interesting blog.
Thank you for sharing IZ with us.
What a wonderful voice!

Best wishes

Annie

tfg said...

I would have guessed that Exotic Dancing was the specialty of Gainesville State.

G-Man said...

Serena, I saw her interview on TV yesterday. What a twit!!!
Your household use list was awesome! That's a post like I would do...
Only you did it much better! Great Job....
And BTW, thanks loads for being so active and positive on my blog.
You are a huge talent, and I'm "Priviledged" to have met you...Galen xox

Serena Joy said...

Littlebird, as always, your definitions rock. I particularly enjoyed "privilage," since I'll be there soon enough and want the damn service with no guff. LOL.

Thanks, Steve, and I like the Stones, too.

Hello, Annie, and thank you so much! I'll be over to see you soon, assuming I can get myself out of a bit of computer hell.

Maybe it is, T. Maybe it is. LOL.

G-man, you sweet thing -- thank you. When I write something funny, it's usually accidental. You do it consistently.:)

cathy said...

Great post, I enjoyed every minute of it but I'm not taking that test,no way jose. Not me!

MXI said...

***69% Pure***

Damn! I'll work on getting that into the low 30s.

Little Lamb said...

Barbie and Ken are no longer together.

Hale McKay said...

I wonder what household substance could be used to get some people to clean up their acts?

I prefer the original version of "Fade Away" by the great Buddy Holly.

privilage - age of consent to togo to the bathroom (privy) by oneself.

croud -Cannot Realize One Unusual Definition.

explaines - an Illionois community north of Des Plaines.

convienient - a vein easily accessible to be injected with a needle.

not doing that per say - refusing an action even though they said you can do it.

unlikily - the act of trying to succeed despite unlikely circumstances.

hereos - answer to the question, "Where's the oreos?"

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Cathy. You can take the test and LIE. I did.

MXI, you'd better take it again and lie, too, because I do NOT believe that score.:)

I heard that rumor, Little Lamb. Let's just hope they don't go digging up the back yard. Barbie would hate being Paris's cellmate.

Serena Joy said...

More great definitions, Mike. I particularly liked hereos, possibly because I'm starving to death.

I wonder what household substance could be used to get some people to clean up their acts?

Moi? Non! I don't want to clean up. LOL.

I like the Buddy Holly version, too.

Roxan said...

***You Are 66% Pure***


You're pretty pure, and you have no plans on changing that.
You do have a devilish side though... and it will probably get the better of you.

Lee said...

You sure those "Barbie Bandits" aren't Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie on their "Simple Life" across America adventures! ;)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Oh, my, the household hints had me ROLLING. Beautiful. How did you come up with (or find) that stuff? I realize that I'm just lucky that I haven't yet been a jam that I need WD-40 to get out of, as I don't have any.

I'm going to go take the purity test now. Probably I'm somewhere around 87%, I'm guessing.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I over-estimated. I'm only 79% pure...

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Off to buy some WD-40. Do you think I could use it as an exotic lubricant? Might help w/ that pathetic purity score...

Corn Dog said...

I took the test on Monster's blog. I got 57% purity. Not pure and after these past 2 days of screaming at whackos not caring.

Is that really true about the Elmer's glue. If I try it and my face skin comes off in a big sheet, I'm gonna be upset.

Serena Joy said...

66% is awfully pure, Roxan. You might want to work on that. LOL.

Lee, when Paris gets out of jail, maybe she and Nicole will star in the Barbies movie.:)

So, Greeny, how'd that exotic WD-40 do?

I don't know if that's true about Elmer's, CD. I'm kind of scared to try it. I'm afraid that if my face falls off I won't be able to get another one.:)

Malnurtured Snay said...

A Barbie doll I might actually buy. (Or, no.)

Serena Joy said...

The way I'm feeling today, MS, I might well BECOME that Barbie doll.

puerileuwaite said...

I knew most of those household hints already from repeated viewing of "9 1/2 Weeks".

Serena Joy said...

Mmm-hmm. And how many times have you seen it, Puggy?:)