Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Ixnay on the V-Day

I've had the time of my life,
No I never felt this way before,
Yes I swear it's the truth,
And I owe it all to you,
'Cause I've had the time of my life,
And I've searched through every open door,
'Til I found the truth,
And I owe it all to you.

(From 'Dirty Dancing')

I've had a ball satirizing, dissing, and generally trashing V-Day with you all. It wouldn't have been any fun at all without you. As far as I know, nobody choked on all the sweetness or ODd on the froth. I hope not. Maybe I'd better take a head count.

Where will our heads be next year at this time?

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see,
I got a fever of a hundred and three,
Come on baby, do you do more than dance?
I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded.

("Hot Blooded," Foreigner)


You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice our love,
You never take advice, someday you'll pay the price, I know.

("Cold As Ice," Foreigner)

In other words, it will depend on what we've fallen deeply, madly, passionately into. Or not.

BOLO: If you spot this fat little cupid flitting about, shoot him down before he can spread more VD stuff.

5-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story :
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Words Gone Wild were hopped up on hormones and chocolate today, so it wasn't all that hard to catch them and turn them over to Twisted Linguistics.

moire difficult - Silk playing hard to get.

make a liveing - Better than trying to jump a dead ing.

drisribution - A disreputable post-nasal drip which people tend to discriminate against and take retribution for.

chained email - Dangerously insane e-mail kept in restraints.

stangling - One of those autoerotic things.

I wander how often - Unrestrained Alzheimer's patient.

ineractive disscussion - Request to join a lady's energetic bashing/cursing sessions.

How weird are you?

You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself.

What Mythological creature are you?

You Are a Pegasus

You are a perfectionist, with an eye for beauty.
You know how to live a good life - and you rarely deviate from your good taste.
While you aren't outgoing, you have excellent social skills.
People both admire you - and feel very comfortable around you.


Hale McKay said...

Those management moralities were great!

Whether satirized, dissed or trashed - I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

I have a pretty good post prepared for the 14th, but I'll put it up later to allow more people to absorb the Victor Brge post.

Roxan said...

***You Are 40% Weird***

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

This says it all! LOL

***You Are a Pegasus***

You are a perfectionist, with an eye for beauty.
You know how to live a good life - and you rarely deviate from your good taste.
While you aren't outgoing, you have excellent social skills.
People both admire you - and feel very comfortable around you.

littlebirdblue said...

***You Are 50% Weird***

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

I took the myth-creature test twice, first w/ S picking my answers, then w/ me. I picked totally different answers, but was a mermaid both times.

Serena Joy, thanks for your comments on the review.

Kanrei said...

I am a 40% weird Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person.
However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways.
You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order.
You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

Happy Hallmark Love Day to all and to all a good lay!

Serena Joy said...

Thanks, Mike, and Happy Valentine's Day to you, too. I just read your V-Day post and LMAO.

Roxan, at the risk of you smacking upside my head, Happy Valentine's Day.:)

You're welcome, Camille. A mermaid, huh? I avoided all the water questions; I have this hideous deep-water phobia. Happy Valentine's Day.

Serena Joy said...

Happy Hallmark Love Day to you, too, Kan. Now you're going to help Roxan hurt me, aren't you?:)

and to all a good lay!

Are they running a sale on those somewhere? Do they take Visa?

Southern Writer said...

That was a bad test. I'm not admitting to how weird it says I am. On the other one, I'm Pegasus, too.

Liz said...

I am a mermaid
You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are.
While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need.
Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational.
You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.

I'm not doing the weird test: too dangerous. it might be true.

Serena Joy said...

Lesia, you couldn't have come out weirder than me. Did you? LOL.

Liz, considering where you live, it's no wonder you're a mermaid.:)

Corn Dog said...

50% weird and proud of it! Where's my trophy?

Serena Joy said...

Hmph. You're weirder than I am. I think I resent that. {giggle} I'll see what I can do about your trophy, but don't hold your breath. I've been waiting for mine for about a hundred years.

Lee said...

Boy! I'm 60% weird and I'm a mermaid...I guess the 60% weird is my fish tail!

Fun post, Serena....Happy Valentine's Day! :)

Scary Monster said...

Me be a mermaid that is only 50% weird? Now me is certain that the quizzes are rigged.
And if that BOLO charactor comes around and tries to give Me vd, well me will just have to STOMP him.

Serena Joy said...

Lee, I can see as a mermaid. Scary, however, is another matter. Any quiz that would peg a Scary Monster as a mermaid, you're damn straight it's rigged -- and should be STOMPED.

More flowers today, third bunch this week. House smells like a damn funeral parlor.

I do NOT have to worry about VD. It pains me to admit this (and it demolishes my ego), but the only indecent proposal I got was from a spammer. {snirk}

littlebirdblue said...

So Scary and I are both 50% weird mermaids.

And SJ, I avoided all water, too. I picked air and earth as my elements.

Serena Joy said...

That's funny, Littlebird. I'm still having trouble picturing Scary as a mermaid. I wonder what his siren call would sound like? I went strictly air and earth, too; or maybe it was earth and fire. Definitely no water, though.