Wednesday, January 24, 2007


There’s a bedding store in New York that sells top of the line mattresses. Their best seller goes for $49,500.00. What?! At that price, I’d expect to be able to live in it. Even if I could afford it, had more dollars than sense, I wouldn’t shell out for that. asked its readers to send in some of the best excuses they've used to get out of traffic tickets, for which the winners received some extremely nice prizes (including GPS systems). These were the first, second, and third place winners:

"I am a funeral director, the law does not bother a hearse on the highway at any speed. But this one time I had a time to be at an out of town crematory, and I was in a van, taking an unembalmed body to be cremated and he got me at 90 mph on the Interstate, when he stopped me and asked what was my hurry, I said, 'Brother, I have to be at a crematory in an hour or I'll miss my appointment time and they will be closing for the weekend.' He said, 'So ...' I said, 'Take a whiff in the back.’ He stuck he head in the side window and jerked it back out and said sir hurry along and be careful."

"I was driving along one day minding what I thought was my own business, and kind of daydreaming. I must have gone a little faster than I should have and was pulled over and stopped by a state police officer. My husband is a former police officer and told me how he always let someone go if they could tell him a reason for speeding that he hadn't heard before. I knew I had to think quickly because he was now approaching my door. He advised me that the reason he was stopping me was I had exceeded the posted limit by 15 miles over. I looked him in the eye and asked him sternly "Do you have any idea what I did to the last cop who stopped me for speeding?" He looked a little shocked and began feeling more cautious. I said, "I married him." I believe he is still laughing, he just walked away and said slow down, have a nice day. I was so pleased that for once my husband told me something that would really work."

"Vehicle pulled over for speeding at approximately 04:00. When approaching the vehicle the driver asked me if I knew Officer Westberg. I told him I did. He then went on to tell me how he was Officer Westberg's buddy, and he (Westberg) wouldn't be happy knowing I was giving one of his friends a ticket. I asked him how well he knew Westberg. He said that they have been close friends for years, and even showed me Westberg's business card. I told the driver to wait in his car, and I would check to make sure his license was valid. It was, so I wrote him the ticket for speed. When I gave him the ticket, he asked me why I didn't let him off with a warning, since he was Westberg's friend. I told him Westberg doesn't have any friends and that he should look at the name of the officer on the ticket. There neatly printed was WESTBERG. The driver stared at the officer's name on the ticket for probably 15 seconds, then looked at my nametag, and saw it spelled out Officer Westberg. He told me that a buddy of his always dropped officer's names, and since he had received my business card in the past during some type of event, he thought it was worth a try. He paid the ticket."

A couple of the runners-up:

"We were going to a Sports Car Race in an MG TC on a rainy night when we were stopped for going a little too fast. The officer approached the left side of the car and asked for my driver's license and disappeared into the wet dark night. A few minutes later he came back and slipped me a ticket through the flap on the removable side weather shield. I said, "Officer, I am not the driver of the car." With that he shined his flashlight through the front window and saw my friend sitting behind the right side steering wheel. I stuck the ticket through the flap and he took it. Disappearing into the rain we saw him drive away soon afterward."

"My sister-in-law was pulled over one day for speeding and she said to the passenger with her "O dear God don't let him give me a ticket" the officer came up to her and as he was looking over her driver's license the call came over the radio that the church down the road was on fire. He jumped in his car and told her it was her lucky day. My sister-in-law said "God you did not have to go to that extreme."

"And finally, from his entry, we can't tell whether this excuse got the reader out of a ticket, but you have to admire anyone who would simply tell an officer, 'Time is money.'"
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After nearly six months of suffering from one bout after another of what we shall politely refer to as cystitis, I finally figured out what was causing it. Duh, Dummy! It was my bubble bath. After I switched to something different, made with sea salt, the problem has all but disappeared. Thank God for blessed relief.

The North Carolina State Bar has added ethics charges to a complaint filed against the d**kheaded Durham County prosecutor, Mike Nifong, who brought sexual assault charges against three Duke lacrosse players. The new charges accuse him of withholding DNA evidence and making misleading statements to the court and could result in his removal from the NC State Bar.

We have Twisted Linguistics for you today. Well, of course, we do. Duh.

reinterate - Burying the reeking carcass in an aerated hole. Again.

omputer - An all-knowing machine.

Sodum - Just another way of telling them to "Bugger off!"

book of council - Tome chock-full of a town's rules and regulations.

comany – State of nirvana reached by virtue of having many comrades.

legimate – What the girl with the long, long legs did to the South.

vociferous hunters – Hunters who never bag anything because they can’t shut up long enough to fire.

shinny – Describes a freshly shaved front portion of a leg.

What’s your taste in music?

Your Taste in Music:

90's Alternative: Highest Influence
Classic Rock: Highest Influence
80's Alternative: High Influence
90's Rock: High Influence
Alternative Rock: High Influence


Kanrei said...

My step-dad had a great excuse. He is a doctor and kept his beeper in his car. If pulled over he would explain that he was paged and had to rush to the hospital. If my mother was in the car with him at the time he would usually add the comment that his wife is really pissed off because they WERE on their way to dinner and he does not have time to take her home.

It usually worked. I mean who wants to be the cop who is responsible for a guy dying because he was giving the doctor rushing to save the guy a ticket for speeding?

Anonymous said...

Try one of these with a German policeman and see where it gets you. Usually it is from radar where they take a picture of the car and send it through the mail.

Corn Dog said...

I love the Officer Westberg story.

I got pulled over for speeding on a California interstate. I was blowing down the road to a rest area. THere are big gaps in California vacant of rest areas and restrooms. I had consumed something like 3 or 4 mama jama quarts of water. I have no clue why. I think I was jogging a lot and particularly thirsty that day. The empties lay prostate in the cab of my truck. I was on the verge of peeing my seat, so I was traveling at a steady clip to the bathroom. The officer flashed his lights, pulled me to the shoulder, got out and asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. I told him, "No." I really could not think. My teeth were swimming. I told him I had to use the bathroom and begged him to let me go. Then we had some minor discussion concerning if rest area restrooms were safer or roadside 7/11s. I finally squealed, "I'M GOING TO WET MY PANTS!" He checked my tags and followed me to the rest area. I thanked him afterward. He didn't give me a ticket. He had a kind of laughy smirk on his face but he was very nice. And I NEVER did THAT again.

Kanrei said...

That is the winner in my opinion. That is classic!

Serena Joy said...

Kan, that's a great excuse your stepdad has. Of course, I'm sure there are plenty of times when he's speeding because he actually is trying to get somewhere to save somebody.

CD, I agree with Kan -- that story is priceless. There have been times when my speedometer has jumped dangerously into the red zone because I so desperately needed a bathroom. Alas, the only times I've actually been stopped, my excuses were much less colorful.

Steve, I'd hate the German system. A letter from the radar department wouldn't be nearly as much fun as getting pulled over. LOL.

Scary Monster said...

Two years ago Me got stopped on a road that is reknown for speeding.
Me was stopped the motorcycle cop who just smiled at me and showed me the radar results. Later that year for the second time I tried to make some feeble excuse but the cop wouldn't listen, instead he escorted me into the back of the patrol car and who else would be sitting there in the drivers seat was the motorcycle cop who gave me the ticket six months earlier

One of me relatives gave me a wierd idea that I've yet to use.
He told me to keep a black suit in me car and say that Me father was dying in the hospital, getting his last rites and I needed to be there before he went.

Me has never gotten the chance to try it. Me bought a radar detector instead

Serena Joy said...

Scary, honey, I'd stick with the radar detector. Or -- you could put on the black suit and say you're a funeral director. Or a priest speeding off to give last rites.:)

Roxan said...

***Your Taste in Music:***

80's Rock: Highest Influence
90's Alternative: High Influence
Classic Rock: High Influence
Progressive Rock: High Influence
80's Pop: Medium Influence

I could have told you that about the bubble bath. Learned that years ago with my oldest daughter. Bubble baths, while they look inviting are NOT a girl's best friend.

Serena Joy said...

I knew that about bubble bath, Roxan, but I've been using one kind or another forever and never had any problem before. I guess it was that "Not Me" syndrome. It was a good run, but I won't use it again. Which is fine, because there are some very good smelling salts.

Scary Monster said...

iffin Me buys the $49,500.00. mattress, do Me get any fluffy bunnies with that

Serena Joy said...

Sorry, Scary, the bunnies are all mine. I could be persuaded to share for a sufficiently large bribe. LOL.