Turkey Fumes: Don't Inhale

Q. What are unhappy cranberries called?
A. Blueberries.

Q. What's blue and covered with feathers?
A. A turkey holding its breath.

Q. What would you call a pet squash?
A. Call it anything you want- it won't hear you.

Q. What's round, red, and wears a diaper?
A. A baby cranberry.

Q. Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A. To hatchet.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys.
Gladys who?
Gladys Thanksgiving. Aren't you?


When you're feeling as stuffed as the turkey and just a leeetle out of sorts with the turkey population in general, here are a few fun things you can do with your holiday fowl. Use it:

1. As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
2. As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.
3. As a hood ornament.
4. As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"
5. As a football for the after-meal game.
6. One word... bowling!
7. As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
8. As a gift/bribe for a professor.
9. As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
10. As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
11. Makes a great doggie chew toy.
12. Fill it with whipped cream - watch the fun.
13. An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
14. A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
15. Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.
16. If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and ask the flight attendant for some chicken feed.
18. Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"
19. Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.
20. Secretly replace stuffing with Folgers turkey crystals.
21. Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul.
22. Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"
23. Two words: Turkey puppet.
24. Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock.
25. Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.
26. From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog.
27. As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.


And now I have to get ready to go over the river and through the woods... Well, over the river, anyway. As long as no guests show up who hate some other guest's guts, as long as the dog doesn't take off with the turkey or somebody drops it on the floor, as long as my nieces don't start a food fight at the table, a good time should be had by all.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.