Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Talking Turkey

More turkey jokes

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all

How can you make a turkey float?You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play

Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it

Speaking of turkeys, here’s the latest announcement/sales pitch to come down from PublishAmerica to its authors.

"Dear Author,

We have another big announcement to make!After changing the landscape of book publishing, with the help of you and twenty thousand fellow authors, PublishAmerica is preparing to change the landscape of book printing.We are adding our own book printing facility!Within the next few months, new printing equipment from printing giant Océ North America will be installed in our offices. At that time PublishAmerica will start producing hundreds of thousands of its own books on its own state of the art printing equipment. Our systems will be the exact same as those used by the world's main digital printing companies, which guarantees a similar or even better quality.By committing to do our own book printing, PublishAmerica will again lead the way for the entire industry. We predict that large publishing houses such as ours will find it increasingly cost and time effective to launch their own printing facilities, and to serve their audiences with in-house, and therefore better, product quality control. We believe that publishers will progressively become printers, and vice versa.We wouldn't be PublishAmerica if we weren't plunging boldly ahead of the curve.We realize that PublishAmerica owes much of its success to its authors, a large and powerful force that continues to expand each day. It's you and your fellow authors who have made it possible for PublishAmerica to now have close to two million books in print; to sell a new book every sixteen seconds; to see bookstores order a PublishAmerica book once every minute of every business day; and to find more than a hundred new authors contacting us daily who hope to join your ranks as a published author. More than anything else, this is your success. Thank you!On that note, we want to let you in on a brief sales special that we are running for libraries and gift stores this month, that we are also making available to all PublishAmerica authors who elect to have copies of their own book on hand for the upcoming holiday season. On all orders of 75 or more copies we allow a 50 percent discount. On orders of 150 or more copies, the discount is 55 percent. Offer expires November 17, phone orders only at 301 695 1707, color picture books are excluded.Thank you for being part of PublishAmerica's adventurous journey!

PublishAmerica Author Support Team"

("Author support" team, indeed. Hmph!)

So, let us attempt to sort this out. Notice I didn’t say “understand it.” There is no understanding PA. The only thing anyone needs to understand about PA is that if they can screw you, they will. And often. And they will like it.

Now, then – it looks as though they’re acquiring a printing press. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. They've been caught in falsehoods many more times than once, after all. If they are getting it, will they buy it or lease it? Either way, what will it mean to their authors? One school of thought (to which I subscribe) holds that it will mean even less accountability on PA’s part. They’re already infamous for shorting authors on royalties. Getting accurate records from PA has proved next to impossible. Getting them from Lightning Source, the company that prints (at least up to now) PA’s books now requires the intervention of attorneys armed with subpoenas. In the past, LS did provide at least rudimentary information to authors regarding the number of books ordered and printed. That was before PA (and remember, PA is LS’s customer, not the author) instructed LS to withhold that kind of information from inquiring authors.

If PA sets itself up in the physical printing business, it’s not that much of a stretch to imagine that Jane Author sells 20 copies of her book, which PA prints out and sells at their inflated prices. With no accountability in place, and no outside printer that keeps (gasp!) straight and accurate books to spill any beans, PA could ostensibly tell Jane that she sold only 6 copies and pay her accordingly. And voila, they've recouped even more of their printing costs than they might have using the past fuzzy math. (Finding inventive ways to build in those mechanisms for recouping printing costs AND turning a profit is precisely what makes PA a back-end vanity press.) Jane might complain, but PA wrote the book on browbeating and intimidation. Before all is said and done, unless Jane is an actual thinker, she’ll be apologizing to PA for taking a tone with them, renouncing her dramatic escapade, and announcing on the PA message boards her own mathematical ineptitude. That’s how it works.

Here are today's Twisted Linguistics and their, er, meanings -- straight out of the Dictionary of the Demented.

narcessist – One who acts as an accessory after the fact to a narcotics distribution ring.

Wildermess – What is left of a person who’s been lost in the woods for weeks.

shoould immeadiately – All cows should stop drinking their sweet honey liquor, moo one time to shoo the flies away, and report to arbitration proceedings at once.

comuniqué – A line of designer one-of-a-kind clothing for the Communist set.

jumop – A combination sponge mop/pogo stick. Get your exercise while you clean your house -- great fun!


Kanrei said...

Your publishing horror tales makes me so happy I have yet to try getting published. I enjoy writing too much to actually turn it into my work. I would rather keep it to unwind and your horror tales are making me think I made the smart choice.

My co-workers do not love you anymore. As happy as they are with the picture they are sick of those jokes. Tee hee.

Kanrei said...

It might be my fault. I went up to each and everyone one of them at their desk and told them every single one of them and added my own:

How do turkey's eat dinner?

They gobble it up.

Serena Joy said...

Mmm-hmm, now I see the problem. Send them a memo -- "Two More Days." And keep an eye on them, make sure they're not trashing me behind your back. Tell them I have my ways of knowing when a fowl has been committed. LOL.

Serena Joy said...

I would rather keep it to unwind and your horror tales are making me think I made the smart choice.

My co-workers do not love you anymore. As happy as they are with the picture they are sick of those jokes. Tee hee.

Nuh-uh. This week, turkey rules.

Warning newcomers about horrors within the publishing industry comes with the territory. When you're ready to go the publication route, you'll know which pitfalls are out there and what to avoid.

The drones don't love me any more? Then I don't love them, either. Tell them to let me know when they're ready to kiss and make up.