Twisted Chapel

With all the weirdness going on all over, I thought a comforting word or two on the spiritual side might be in order this morning. This may explain the weirdness and put your minds at ease. Just a little. Peace on 'ya.

SJ's Friday Playpen

It's been a busy week, people; lots of stuff going on. If you're tired of hurricane watches, murder suspects, and political conventions, why not take a break and play a few games instead? You've earned a little fun. TGIF!

You Are Cheese Ravioli

Compared to most people, you are incredibly laid back and fun. You love loud, crowded dinner tables and cooking with a crowd. For you, a meal is more about the overall experience than the actual food. You enjoy fun foods. You love theme dinners and funky appetizers.

What Pasta Dish Are You?

Fun Random Survey

Go get the nearest shampoo bottle. Find the Ingredients and write what the fourth one is. - Glycerin

What's your favorite board game? - I haven't played one in ages

Google your name. What's the first thing that comes up? - Tour dates, songs, video, and more for Serena Joy (the band)

What was the last thing you drank? - Coffee

Name one thing you couldn't live without - Love

What's your favorite ice cream? - Breyer's Double-Churn Vanilla Bean

The last time you got a trophie was.. - I don't think I ever have

Showers: Night or Morning? - Night

What's your biggest pet peeve? - Morons

Do you have a nickname? What is it? - Sherry

Who's your cell phone carrier? - USC

3 Words that describe you. Go! - Creative, energetic, a little nuts

What one word do you say constantly? -

What are you listening to right now? - Nothing; enjoying some silence

What was the last picture you looked at online? - New Orleans waiting for Gustav

Flip-Flops or gladiator Sandals? - Flip-flops

What is in your pocket? - Nothing

Take This Fun Random Survey and other Myspace Surveys at Quizopolis.com

Hmph! I can't figure out which one(s) I missed.

Your Common Spelling Mistake Score: 95% Correct

Your spelling is excellent. You don't fall for common spelling pitfalls, and you spell almost everything correctly.

Do You Make Common Spelling Mistakes?

Here's your end-of-the-week blasfomys lineup. Give 'em hell.

needs to be teached a lesson
dupped
stricking
plaggiarist
exosted
slleping
city councle
farment
rascists
inflamitory
floresent

The Thursday Q & A

The Q&A is mondo easy today. Answer this one simple thing and you're outta here.

Do you:

1) Control your world?
2) Rock your world?
3) Rule your world?
4) Love your world?

Not, perhaps, so easy is defining these blasfomys. Do it and there will be no doubt you rock.

priviliges
passed through his elementary canal
demostrated
alcholism
platitiudes
montor
critise
got my writes back
tounge
woon
steructure
tensill
struct by a plane
pretatours

MEME Me

Meme Rules: You may answer the questions in the Comment box (in which case, please copy in the questions and supply the answers so readers won't have to go back to the post to see the questions), or you may port the meme to your blog and tag your readers if you wish.

**My Memes belong to me; however, all are welcome to use them. If you do, just provide a link back, please.

The focus of today's Meme is in the political arena.

1. List five adjectives that describe your feelings about the race for the White House.

2. Construct a metaphor about the current political race.

3. Devise a simile summing up today's political climate.

4. Write your own ironic twist to a possible outcome of the presidential race.

5. Would you describe yourself as (a) optimistic (b) pessimistic (c) apathetic or (d) catatonic about the candidates?

The TWISTED LINGUISTICS Words Gone Wild patrol has rounded up these blasfomys for you to punish. Let's see what you do to them.

road sings along the highway
calerys
abituary
cremaited
eulegy
enbalm
autopsie
memorel
caskit
catepolt

It Is What It Is

I have taxes on my mind. It's time to, once again, pay the "registration fee" on my car. Come on, why don't they just call it what it is? It's a tax -- in addition to the personal property taxes and all the sales taxes I pay for gas, oil, yada-yada. I registered the car five years ago when I bought it, and it hasn't changed its identity since. It hasn't changed its address, hasn't taken an alias, hasn't had sex change surgery, hasn't become a sex offender. Why, then, would it be necessary to reregister it every year? It's a tax -- to the tune of $65.00 a year, less $1.00 if I register pay my tax via Internet, plus $5.00 should I have the audacity to physically set foot inside the DMV to pay my tax to (and apparently waste the time of) an employee whose salary my taxes pay. One can call a thing anything one pleases if it pleases one to try to sweeten the sound of some particular word. I can call myself a leftist pigeon-toed duckbilled platypus if I want. Doesn't make me one. Calling taxes registration fees doesn't relieve them (or us) of being taxes, either. How dumb do they think we are? Oh, never mind; maybe some of us -- perhaps too many -- are.

These are pretty dumb, too. But, unlike taxes, there's something we can do about them. Today is open season on blasfomys. Blast away!

the rath of god
realitives
goddies for the kids
amagined
anymosity
unchalenged
frivalous lawsuits
surivor
disribed
evnening

Pokin' Bloopers

Monday. Blech. We might as well poke some bloopers before somebody pokes us. Some of my favorite bloopers come from Internet sites. There's a large proliferation of these sites, none of which shall be named today. You probably already know where some of them are, anyway. They probably aren't harboring WMD, so we'll save them an invasion and not tell the government about them. There's no rule saying we can't pick up some big sticks and give them a few good pokes, though.

For example:

"they're congadulating this guy... "

Congadulation: To render adulation while dancing in an undulating conga line. Add liquor and dirty dancing to the conga line and it could lead to an altogether different definition.

"in a cememtary at midnight..."

i) In a perfect world, this would appear to be simply a typo. This is not a perfect world. It should, of course, be "cementary" -- the final resting place of authors who write flat, rock-like prose and poetry too heavy to take wing.

ii) Cement shoes for bad prose.

"reinterated..."

Opining Person #1: You know how Los Estadounidenses (that's us USA folks) say 'oriented', but Los Brits (that's those UK folks) say 'orientated'? Well, this is a stab at Britishizing that simple word 'inter' by making it 'interate', and then making it a repeated action by adding the Latin-derived prefix re-. Thus, we get 'reinterate: to bury again, e.g., "The kitty reinterated her poop in the litter box, but that stupid hound dog kept digging it back up."

Opining Person #2: Oh, dear me. I'm afraid it has more to do with reburying reanimated dead things. Ergo, quite aside from relatively benign hound dogs and kitty poop, we're talking about Zombie making here. That's some bad shit.

"Expalin this please..."

Respondent #1: Expalin' is the obverse of impalin'.

Respondent #2: Expalin' is removing bloody sharp objects from somebody who's likely to scream when you pull (expale).

"mastubation..."

Expert #1: This is believed to be a naval term peculiar to the Navy of a particular small yet unnamed nation. You've heard the term "three sheets to the wind" to describe the state of being drunk? You've also perhaps heard people say "The sun is over the yardarm" to indicate that it's time to start drinking? Well, the Unnamed Naval term for the latter is mast libation. Unfortunately, when the Unnamed Nationals get drunk they cannot pronounce "Li." It always comes out as "U," so they say mast ubation. Over the years, they gave up trying to say mast libation at all and general usage of the term became Mastubation. Thus, we can surmise that this author must be writing a story about drunken Unnamed sailors.

Expert #2: Yeah, jerkoff, why don't we just run that up the mast and see what comes up?

Expert #1: Hey! I resent that. Let's just lower the mast and go have a ubation.

"soring their way to the top!!!!"

Word Idol Judge: There's nothing glaringly wrong with this. Follow the logic here. A sore is an open, festering wound. Therefore, doesn't it follow that scammers picking the bloody bones of their victims are 'soring' their way to the top? Or to the bank, as it were?

"My mother always told us girls that 'when bad folks deliberately hurt you, they always get their come uppins in the end.'"

This one gets a bit complicated. Let's summarize, shall we: Mae West = sex = immoral = spawn of the devil = 'Why dontcha come up 'n' see me sometime?' = one way trip to Hades where you are going to burn in hell.

Therefore, come up 'n' (phonically, come uppin) = trip to hell.

Since 'bad folks' are plural in the quote, the author has rightly kept subject-verb number agreement by pluralizing the term as come uppins.

Comprende? I sincerely hope not.

Now, how's about you come up 'n see these blasfomys and give 'em a good defining.

the Karma Sutra
vehical
loosing wait
possiable
incemination
handy capped
porecine
mimicis

SJ's Friday Playpen

I'm not going to whine about it, but there's no point in beating around the bush, either -- I've had a week straight out of the bowels of hell. Fact. If this weren't Friday, I might seriously be thinking about setting my hair on fire and jumping off a cliff. Luckily, it is Friday and I don't have to go to those extremes. I'm ready to indulge in a little silliness and then pamper myself with a long weekend of imitating a 3-toed sloth; i.e., doin' nothin'.

Happy TGIF, people. You've earned it!

Can you Survey


Sing? - Yes, but not so well

Dance? - Yes, but not so great

Play an instrument? - No

Speak Russian? - No

2 Step? - You mean...?

Throw a football? - No so much

Do a back handspring? - Nope

Make coffee? - You bet

Sleep for 12 twelve hours? - No

Stay up for 24 hours? - Yes

Write a song? - Yes

Design clothes? - Yes

Write backwards? - If I had to

Save all of your money? - Alas, no

Go one week without internet? - Never!

Take This Can you Survey and other Fun Surveys at Quizopolis.com

What Your Bed Says About You

Outward appearances are very important to you. You do your best to look good and have an attractive home. You are an organized and disciplined person. You do the right thing because you want to, not because people expect you to. You are very low maintenance. You tend to go with the flow, and you're easily pleased. In relationships, you tend to kick back and let the other person be in charge. You tend to be a down to earth, practical person. You think in terms of what is actual. You are a bit of a homebody, but you can also make yourself at home anywhere.

What Does Your Bed Say About You?

You Are the Storyteller

You have a way with words, and you love hearing yourself talk. You are at your best when you have an audience, and you can carry on a conversation with anyone. You are light hearted and fun - a natural entertainer. It's a side of you that you can't really turn off. You thrive on attention (perhaps a little too much), and you love applause. When you allow yourself to be serious, you can be a moving and articulate speaker. Your words have power, and not just the power to make people laugh.

What Role Do You Play?

These blasfomys have a role to play. They exist to amuse us on an otherwise ho-hum Friday.

imbred
pare of tickets
Pasific ocean
I guess I sort'of wondering
promotioal
froends
negioate
humilitation
fequently
relenquish

A Res Ipsa Loquitur Post

The title of the song speaks for itself vis-à-vis Miss Moi today. The video's great, though. Give it a listen if you have the time.

Have a Happy Thursday and I'll see y'all tomorrow, God willing and the creek don't rise.

MEME Me

Meme Rules: You may answer the questions in the Comment box (in which case, please copy in the questions and supply the answers so readers won't have to go back to the post to see the questions), or you may port the meme to your blog and tag your readers if you wish.

**My Memes belong to me; however, all are welcome to use them. If you do, just provide a link back, please.

Today, I think, is a perfect day for one of those "if" Memes; no particular reason. Just because. Well, maybe just a teensy bit because I'm tickled pink that I survived a full moon without throwing one little hissy fit. But we don't need a because to let our imaginations -- and our egos -- run wild, do we?

1. If you were a Stephen King character, which one would you be?

2. If you were a Carl Hiaasen character, who would you be?

3. If you were a movie star, who would you be?

4. If you were a film character, who would you be?

5. If you were a character in a book, which one would you be?

6. If you were a dog, what breed would you be?

7. If you were pie, what kind would you be?

8. If you were a color, which would you be?

9. If you were a cat, what kind would you be?

10. If you were a jewel, which one would you be?

These blasfomys don't do much for ego-stroking but, what the hell, let's humor TWISTED LINGUISTICS and give them a whirl anyway. I know you can do a better job with them than I did.

alledge - That thing underhanging the cliff.

cave in the Appalacians - Where the geographically challenged explorer ended up.

satallite - How Jethro sat when he had that case of hemorrhoids.

othern - The opposite of thisun -- or thatun.

the page that I am writting - Sage advice from PublishAmerica's next best-seller.

judicialry - The lawyers who lag behind the cavalry.

libraray - Building where there's books, singing, dancing, and Burlesque.

popultion - Giving someone a good pop to get them moving.

hugnry - Starving for affection.

victimes - Everyone who's struggling with the economy in this day and age.

self employeed
oppurtunites
there good to have
differant
holier than though
humaine

Lookin' Up

Isn't that a great picture? I don't know its provenance; I got it in one of those ever-circulating e-mails. I like it, though. To me, it says "the sky is smiling."

It's a relatively tame Tuesday around here for a change. I've whipped my workload into submission -- for the nonce, anyway. Lord knows, it can (and will) multiply again at any time. Right now, it's manageable, and the here and now is what's important to me.

I don't think so much about the future. Never have. I tend to live in the moment. I realize, of course, that I'm hardly a kid any more and some future events do require some forethought. I'm working on that. Honest. There is this nebulous plan that's taking real, honest to God shape and just might be viable at some point while I'm still alive. If it comes to pass, I'll let y'all know. Honest (assuming I'm not senile by then and can remember who you are).

Anyway, today is today and that's consuming all my thought processes until tomorrow. It helps to think that the sky is smiling. A lot.

Maybe it's smiling at these naughty little blasfomys TWISTED LINGUISTICS picked up today.

lo bak - Chinese chiropractor.

dogcather - I'm terribly afraid this has something to do with a canine medical procedure; not something I'd care to do.

lude comment - Trying to talk when you've taken too many Qualudes.

please reframe from comments - Do not speak until you rethink and restate what you just said.

bare down - Get naked.

aiding and abbetting
chpaters
cugarette
creatred
vegain
running our of habitate
country of orgin

Best Bad Prose

The Bulwer-Lytton prize goes each year to the contest entrant who has written the absolute worst, baddest of the bad one-sentence opening to a bogusly bad novel. The prize is $250.00, and this year's prize money went to Garrison Spik of Washington, D.C. His appalling opening sentence read as follows:

Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."

The runner-up:

"Hmm . . ." thought Abigail as she gazed languidly from the veranda past the bright white patio to the cerulean sea beyond, where dolphins played and seagulls sang, where splashing surf sounded like the tintinnabulation of a thousand tiny bells, where great gray whales bellowed and the sunlight sparkled off the myriad of sequins on the flyfish's bow ties, "time to get my meds checked."
- Andrew Bowers

Other delectable entries include:

Dorothy had reasons to be nervous: a young girl alone in a strange land, traveling with three weird, insecure males badly in need of psychiatric help; she tucked her feet under her skirt to keep the night's chill (and lewd stares) away and made sure one more time that the gun was secured in her yet-to-develop bosom.
- Domingo Pestano, Alto Prado, Caracas, Venezuela

I'm convinced that the Doc is dealing drugs to most of the mining crew because they either can't stay awake, constantly sneeze, grin like maniacs, or won't look you straight in the eye (not to mention behaving like a moron) and they wonder why a dwarf gets grumpy!
- Neil Prowd, Charnwood, ACT, Australia

Mike Hummer had been a private detective so long he could remember Preparation A, his hair reminded everyone of a rat who'd bitten into an electrical cord, but he could still run faster than greased owl snot when he was on a bad guy's trail, and they said his friskings were a lot like getting a vasectomy at Sears.
- Robert B. Robeson, Lincoln, Nebraska

The pancake batter looked almost perfect, like the morning sun shining on the cream-colored bare shoulder of a gorgeous young blonde driving 30 miles over the speed limit down a rural Nebraska highway with the rental car's sunroof open, except it had a few lumps.
- Jim Thomas, Gilbert, AZ

Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner.
- Jeanne Villa, Novato, CA

"Let's see what this baby can do, Virgil," said Wyatt, as he floored the Charger, brushing a Dart out of the way, sideswiping an oncoming Lancer, rear-ending a Diplomat, and demolishing a row of Rams before catapulting head-on into the sheriff's Viper -- realizing that we'd indeed missed the turn-off to Abilene and ended up instead, in Dodge City.
- Paul Curtis, Randburg, South Africa

Watching Felicia walk into the bar was like watching two fat Rottweilers in yellow spandex and spike heels that had treed a scrawny bleach blond cat at the top of a skinny flagpole that for some reason had decided to sprout casaba melons.
- Melissa Alliston, Coraopolis, PA

The homicide detective was an aging woman with a crusty and somewhat ill-tempered personality, an individual who reminded me of the kind of woman my mother, a Sunday-school teacher, would have been if she had been a crusty and somewhat ill-tempered homicide detective.
- Bill Crumpler, McKinney, TX

It was a dark and stormy night, except when the lightning flashed, because then it wasn't dark; it sort of turned the windows into a giant disco ball for a moment, but eventually the thunder and lightning stopped and it settled down to a steady light rain, so then it really was dark, but it would probably be a stretch to call it stormy.
- Laura Loomis, Pittsburg, CA

Fittingly for a butcher, Carl resembled a fresh turkey - pale, knobby, and large through the middle with spindly appendages - and as he was wont to do on slow days, he had nearly finished reassembling the hams, loins, and chops into something approaching a pig when she walked in - long, flat, and lean, like a flank steak, radiating a heat that would cause him to flush, then darken, and, eventually, to crisp up deliciously.
- David K. Mullen, Batesville, IN

Vito watched as Robert squirmed in his life vest while the Great White brushed against his chum-soaked and shackled body, but it wasn't until the terrible fish circled back, finally ending Robert's evening, that Vito, with the vision of the legless torso undulating up and down in the Farallon current had his epiphany, and uncovered one of life's truly great mysteries: when you shorten Robert you really do get bob.
- Paul Olson, San Jose, CA

Don't you wish you could write that badly? Which one of those was your favorite? Inquiring minds want to know.

Speaking of bad, we have Words Gone Wild blasfomys to examine today, courtesy of TWISTED LINGUISTICS.

acqua - Choking sound made by the AFLAC duck.

usful - The state of being us.

hairir - What you might say when you look in the mirror on a bad hair day.

envirment
erronious
valcano
discreetion
negitive
digrntlements
oblivian

SJ's Friday Playpen

I absolutely mean it this week when I say -- TGIF!! You would not believe the week I've had. I hate whining, and it would be pointless anyway, so I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say it's over now, and I survived it. That's what counts.

So, let's let our hair down and do some of our regular Friday silliness.

Did you know that your attitudes about driving say a lot about you? I didn't. And truth be told, I still don't. I agree with a couple of points in my results, but not all of them! See how you do.

What Your Driving Says About You

You are generally an easy going, laid back person. However, you can't help but feel a little jealous and competitive sometimes! You tend to go by what you feel - not by the facts at hand. As a result, you tend to make a lot of uninformed decisions. You are a very fair person. You treat everyone equally, even when it's difficult to do. You are an extremely tense, volatile person. Your reactions tend to be over the top. You have mixed feelings about authority figures. You understand their place, but you believe their power needs to be in check. You are focused and alert. You make sure that you are doing the right thing at all times. You are a very responsible and conscientious person. You often consider the feelings and needs of others. Your ego is a healthy size. You don't think you're more important than anyone else.

What Does Your Driving Say About You?

I don't agree with much of this one, either -- and I never, ever use Impact. What the hell, though; it's just for fun. Try it.

You Are Impact

You are very unique and quite striking. You are forceful and aggressive. You never go unnoticed, and people recognize your power instantly. While you make your presence known, your message is a bit fuzzy. You are not the easiest person to understand, and you're not one for details.

What Font Are You?

"If You Were" Survey

What would you be if you could be ...

A Vegetable - Tomato

An Animal - Dog

A Fruit - Strawberry

A Color - Pink - of course!

A Household Object - Phone

Article of Clothing - Jeans

A Drink - Margarita

A Famous Person - J. K. Rowling

A Film Character - Ilsa Lund

A Cartoon Character - Betty Boop

A Car - Viper

A City - Paris

A Country - Scotland

A Mythical Creature - Unicorn

A Chocolate Bar - Reese's Whipp

A Book - To Kill a Mockingbird

A Sport - Soccer

A Word - Serene

One of Your Family - Aunt Rachel

One Of Your Friends - Suzanne

Take This If You Were Survey and other Fun Surveys at Quizopolis.com

Fortunately for TWISTED LINGUISTICS, Words Gone Wild blasfomys abound for our Friday amusement. Take a look at them and then blast those boogers!

ignant - Average IQ at the worst school in town.

popbably - One of those Top 40 songs in which the words are unintelligible.

waring - Enslaved by one's goods.

Good onw
something good would of came out of this
debockle
explosiong
roast some winnies
malnourised
sleve
anaphalactic shock

The Thursday Q & A

For a myriad of reasons, you're getting stream of consciousness questions today. Sorry. Who knows, though -- they could prove to be fun.

1. Do you like the limelight, or do you prefer to fly under the radar?

2. Would you rather eat M&Ms or a Snickers bar?

3. If applicable, what color was your wedding dress?

4. And also if applicable, what color was your senior prom dress?

5. And for the men, what color was your senior prom tux?

6. Do you think you'll ever have another child?

7. If you spend a Saturday afternoon curled up with a book, let's say for a period of four hours, how many pages will you cover?

8. What color is the ceiling in your bedroom?

9. Are there any plastic glow-in-the-dark gizmos, like stars and moons, affixed to your bedroom ceiling?

10. How many words per minute can you type?

11. When was the last time you did something really risky?

And now for some really risky business -- blasfomys! Here's what TWISTED LINGUISTICS has dug up for your defining pleasure today.

tollerant - Willing to pay the fee to use the road.

contaract - Lenses specially designed for folks with cataracts.

appenently - Alleged appendages.

read your boble to know god - Bobble-head philosophy.

don't caste stones - Mind your station and people won't throw rocks at you.

assocaited - If I'm not mistaken, this refers to a butt abscess.

partisipant
eaven
subjegated
in our lifes
retriving
sentance
door nob
squeeked

MEME Me

MEME Me

Meme Rules: You may answer the questions in the Comment box (in which case, please copy in the questions and supply the answers so readers won't have to go back to the post to see the questions), or you may port the meme to your blog and tag your readers if you wish.

**My Memes belong to me; however, all are welcome to use them. If you do, just provide a link back, please.

Today's Meme has only one question, albeit it may not be the easiest single question you've ever been asked to answer. If you're up to probing the depths of your psyche, and not particularly shy, give it a little thought and tell us what you will.

List 5 obscure facts about yourself, facts so little known that no one would ever know these traits about you unless you told them.

Répondre:

Today's TWISTED LINGUISTICS blasfomys are perhaps a bit obscure as well, but I have every faith that you can whip them into some semblance of sense. Go for it!

charites
argueein
cahtolic
burgar
surley
going back and fourth
manadatory
jeapordzing
forien cars
destgroying ur kids furture
Japense cars
Euopean

The Simple Life

Aardvarks have it pretty easy. They aren't the prettiest creatures ever created, but I imagine they look at us and think we're a pretty sorry looking lot, too. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Aardvarks are mammals, like us, and look slightly pig-like -- unlike most of us, if we're lucky. Genetically speaking, the aardvark is a living fossil -- but aren't we all? Mr. Aardvark eats ants and termites almost exclusively. Sounds like a pretty nasty diet to me, but it seems to suit the aardvark just fine. Aardvarks have long snouts, long ears, and very long tongues. I see people occasionally who bear a vague resemblance to aardvarks. I'm pretty sure they're not leading aardvark lives, though.

Aardvarks lead pretty cushy lives if you ask me. They're not pretty, but they don't know that. Their diet leaves a lot to be desired, but I daresay they're not plagued with ants in their kitchens and termites in the eaves. Dating may be a little difficult in the aardvark world. They do, after all, all look alike, so how do they know which is the cutest aardvark? They don't do movies, they don't dance, and we all know what they do for dinner. I wonder if there are aardvark dating services for the more adventurous among them? Still, food and dating aren't everything.

Aardvarks never worry about spouses, wayward children, speeding tickets, or leaky roofs. Aardvarks don't have to go to work. They don't have to put up with anything they don't want to put up with. If an aardvark's butt itches, he scratches it, with no concern about who might be watching. Aardvark don't care. He'll belch, barf, and break wind in public, too. Etiquette rules don't apply to aardvarks. Aardvarks don't have to endure in-laws, or holidays, soccer practice, taxes, or family reunions.

Aardvarks never have to protect themselves against identity theft, buy insurance, or stand in line at the DMV to get their licenses renewed. Aardvarks will never be caught musing about which fork to use or ordering from menus without prices. They don't have to worry their little heads about calculating tips, either. Nowhere on the aardvark's list of things to worry about will you find gas prices, global warming, or weapons of mass destruction.

I don't know if aardvarks get headaches. If they do, it probably doesn't interfere with their sex lives. And you won't find an aardvark worrying about whether his headache is covered under his HMO. Mama aardvarks never buckle their babies into car seats before heading out to run a dozen errands before noon. Nor do they contemplate mortgaging the burrow to get the kiddies into good schools. Beauty salons, spas, and gyms aren't on an aardvark's to-do list. Most self-respecting aardvarks would rather fight than get pedicures, manicures, makeovers, and haircuts. Aardvarks will fight over important things, like food and mates. They'll never wage war over oil, international boundaries, nukes, or religion.

Wouldn't you like to be an aardvark?

And wouldn't you like to define some Tuesday blasfomys for TWISTED LINGUISTICS?

appology - That sluggish feeling after one has suffered a small apoplexy.

I morn the loss - I'll grieve about it in the A.M.

denegrate
people needs to start opening up there hearts
exlant job
wacckos
paud
leauge
sattleite
wipped of the map
plantet
should not of sensored you
caleed
dispicable
gaut

Believe ... It's Monday

I really like this song, and the scenery in the video ain't half bad, either. Enjoy as your Monday gets underway. I hope it'll be an easy one for us all. Of course, I hope to win the lottery, too, but that's neither here nor there.



I have Monday Words Gone Wild blasfomys for you.

exspendsive - From the Pig Latin, referring to a complaint often heard about former spouses.

simpathize - It's all about Simpsons.

you are a brave sole - A shoe that will always be there for you.

incapacited - Citations relevant to Incan law.

preform brain surguries - What you'll get unless you buy a better health plan.

would not let me bred with my brother - Lament sometimes heard in certain unnamed states.

publist
infomration
pryamid
villiage
synagoge
insticts

Serena's Friday Playpen

After a killer week, I'm more than ready to spend my Friday laid back, lolling around, and just chilling. Last weekend was pretty busy, and I loved every minute of it. This weekend will be quite a bit slower, and I'll love that, too. It's the ... weekend. What's not to love? And now, take the Friday survey if you wish, and/or do the quizzes -- and TGIF!

Forty Fun Questions Survey

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle? - Yes
What's something you MUST do before you die? - Make a 360-degree life change
Are you single? - No
What's one thing you will not eat? - Oysters
What color is your underwear? - Today? Pink.
When was the last time you went out of state? - Last December
Who was your last received call? - Half an hour ago
Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton? - Not in a very long time
Can you roll your tongue? - No
Can you hula hoop? - Yes
Have you ever crawled through a window? - Yes
Was today better than yesterday? - Yes
Do you talk to yourself? - Frequently
Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - Yes
Ever went tanning? - In a salon? No.
Earrings or necklaces? - Earrings
Do you party? - Not particularly
Are you mad at anybody? - No
Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? - Yes; goofy habit, I know.
What are you doing tonight? - Probably go get something to eat
What time is it? - 9:35 A.M.
Are you loud? - No
What are you looking forward to? - That's my little secret
Do you watch Family Guy regularly? - No
Have you ever watched a little kids show? - Yes
What's your zodiac sign? - Gemini
Are you wearing socks? - No
What's your favorite smell? - Lavender
Have you ever been on a rollercoaster? - Yes
What is the most expensive thing you have ever bought? - Car
Do you care what others think about you? - Yes
What do you do all the time in a car? - Listen to the radio and watch out for morons
Do you trust people easily? - No
Do you follow college football? - No
Favorite football team? - N/A
Do you watch the Olympics? - No
Do you have a favorite number? - 7
Are you multitasking right now? - Probably
Do you believe in karma? - Yes
How was the weather today? - Quite nice, thank you

Take This Forty Fun Questions Survey at Quizopolis.com

http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/4603/Forty-Fun-Questions-Survey/

You Are 52% Skeptic

You aren't exactly a skeptic, but you're no blind believer. You doubt what you hear, especially when you hear it for the first time. When it comes to doing your own research, you sometimes fall short. Question your beliefs a little more. You might be surprised what you find out!

Are You a Skeptic?

You Are Sexually Powerful

Your attitude toward sex is healthy, safe, and sane. You enjoy sex as much as (or possibly even more than) the average person. You're open minded, intelligent, and adventurous when exploring your sexuality. And while you never take things too far, you take them far enough!

Are You Sexually Powerful?

Here's the TWISTED LINGUISTICS end-of-the-week blasfomys exhibition. Define them if you dare -- or simply point and stare at them.

controversy at the alter - Sybil having a bad day.

publisheror
thuroughly
inocent
armagedaon
tragity
sale more coppies
that reaks
Municiple Court
at lease 5 hours

The Thursday Q & A

Have you seen The Dark Knight yet? If so, then today's Interrogation is for you.

1. Do you think Christian Bale makes a good Bruce Wayne/Batman?

2. Do you think Morgan Freeman will be nominated for a "best supporting?"

3. Were you caught off-guard by the fate of Rachel Dawes?

4. How do you rate Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker?

5. Did you think there were (a) too many or (b) not enough things blowing up?

6. How'd you like the sound track?

7. What did you think of the dark and brooding photography?

8. What do you think Harvey Dent will do next?

9. You do know there'll be another Dark Knight movie, right?

10. It was a long movie. How many popcorns/drinks did you have?

Let's take a look at today's blasfomys and see what fun we can have with them.

weathe
authoritive

bread rats - Vegetarian rodents.

tong cancer - The result when kitchen utensils are subjected to too many carcinogens.

sandwitch - Desert sorceress.

puclished

edited for punctation and grammer - Yes, we have a writer in the house, for sure.

restuarants
atheltic

enough to tied you over - Popular with the S&M crowd.

MEME Me

Meme Rules: You may answer the questions in the Comment box (in which case, please copy in the questions and supply the answers so readers won't have to go back to the post to see the questions), or you may port the meme to your blog and tag your readers if you wish.

**My Memes belong to me; however, all are welcome to use them. If you do, just provide a link back, please.

If you were a storm:

1. Would you be
(a) A thunderstorm
(b) A hurricane
(c) A blizzard
(d) A typhoon

2. The bulk of your damage would come from
(a) Rainfall
(b) Wind
(c) Ice
(d) Storm surge

3. You
(a) Would be sorry for the misery you inflicted
(b) Wouldn't give it a second thought because it's only natural

4. How long would you last?
(a) 1 hour
(b) 6 hours
(c) 1 day
(d) 3 days

5. Your theme song would be
(a) Stormy Weather
(b) Rainy Day Women
(c) Let It Snow
(d) Who'll Stop the Rain

6. When you're over
(a) The streets are flooded
(b) Cops go out looking for accident victims
(c) There's a rainbow
(d) The power will come back on. Eventually.

If you're in the mood, you could use up your remaining energy trying to figure out what these ridiculous blasfomys dug up by TWISTED LINGUISTICS mean.

crack an egg on the side of the bowel - This takes a lot of unseemly maneuvering which, believe me, nobody wants to witness, but if there are no dishes or utensils available and you're just dying for eggs, it can be done. *Warning: it's very painful.

ponit - It's a scrawny, really puny pony.

bizerk - Bad day at the office.

apphauling
lie dector test
beutiful
beserk (Yes, the out of control crowd was going nuts on the boards)

No Ham in This Burger

English can be, and often is, a crazy language. How people whose mother tongue isn't English ever learn it with all its subtle nuances and bizarre oddities is beyond me. For example, there is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

A box is, of course, a box, and its plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis, and shim!

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop?

Blasfomys are pretty crazy, too, and TWISTED LINGUISTICS has a bizarre assortment for you today.

grizzly crime - Bears Gone Wild.

invetro - Weird experiments with infertile animals.

devistated - Obliteration of scenery.

blaim
seighting
currenlty
pregnate
sluty

I am not a moran - This may be the guy who got the sluty girl pregnate.

investegative
happen'ed

The Back-to-Work Quasi Blues

My down time has come to an end and I am, alas, back in the real world. I'm not really in the mood to work today, but I must. My bills don't pay themselves, after all. Wouldn't it be terrific if they did? But we're talking real world, and that doesn't happen.

I hope you had as great a weekend as I did.

I thought you might enjoy a little video today about some genre-specific Words Gone Wild. This just goes to show that regardless of what it is you're creating, spell check is your friend.




And speaking of Words Gone Wild, TWISTED LINGUISTICS has a motley array of blasfomys for you.

resurect
levatate
supoena
athelet
competetion
completley
soujourne
teniss

SJ's Friday Playpen

I'm not around today, but that doesn't mean y'all can't play. It is, after all, Friday -- and a glorious Friday at that. I'll try to catch up with your comments sometime tonight. TGIF!

Out of nowhere survey

if i was a BIRD, i would... - fly free and high whenever I please

if i was 3 pounds, i would seem... - like a Chihuahua

if i could give my self a new name it would be... - Jane. Or maybe Evangeline.

if i could live anywhere i would live... - on a mountain by the sea

if one of my eyes was 10x bigger than the other i would... - look mighty freaky

if my pinkytoe was bigger than my big toe, it would be..... - deformed

if i was 10 feet tall, i would.... - be an Amazon

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

http://www.quizopolis.com/survey.php?surveyid=2595

You Are a Good Friend Because You're Loyal

You stick with your friends no matter what, even if you feel like they're doing the wrong thing. You believe in letting people figure out their own path in life. It's not your place to interfere. And part of your loyalty means that you'll do a lot for your friends. You definitely go the extra mile. You'll even do great things for friends without them asking. After all, that's what friendship is all about. You are truly a friend for life. And you have friends you've known since you were a kid. Your friends can count on you to do a favor, remember a birthday, or just be there to listen. Your friends need you most when: They can't turn to anyone else You really can't be friends with: Fickle people who change friends quickly Your friendship quote: "Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrows."

What Makes You a Good Friend?

You Are Mostly Virtuous

You are a good person, or at least as good as you can be. You try to do the right thing, and you have ended up with many virtues. While you are virtuous, you aren't a saint. There's definitely a bit of devilishness deep in your heart! Where You Are Virtuous: You have the virtue of Temperance. You don't eat or drink excessively. You have the virtue of Cleanliness. You keep yourself and your home clean. You have the virtue of Silence. You avoid frivolous conversation, and you use your words carefully. Where You Are Not Virtuous: You lack the virtue of Moderation. You are attracted to extremes of all sorts. You lack the virtue of Frugality. You tend to spend and waste money freely. You lack the virtue of Chastity. You aren't always guarded when it comes to intimacy.

Are You Virtuous?

Here's what TWISTED LINGUISTICS has on its end-of-the-week blasfomys docket. Do see what you can do with them.

mirace came true
backpetal
New Zeland
mainley becasue their weird
saddel
repoter
even stupidder
deffinatly
blood-sucking leaches
perfury
derelection of duty