My New Year's Eve Hodge-Podge

I'm not going out to celebrate tonight; that gets old after so many years. I am looking forward to the New Year, though. 2006 had its ups and downs -- as, I suppose, do all years. There will be distinct and substantive changes in '07, for sure. And I am more than ready for that. Out with the old, in with the new. In more ways than one.

Which reminds me of another rule for 2007: If I'm going to waste time, I prefer to squander it on something pleasurable. I have no patience for trifling with the pinheads, pimps, panderers, Philistines, prevaricators, Pollyannas, and provocateurs of the world. Give me a break.

Do you make New Year's resolutions?
Do you keep the resolutions you make?
Do you consider it pointless to make resolutions?
Are you nevertheless committed to making some changes in your life this year?
Do you believe in fate?
Do you believe in free will?
Do you believe in karmic justice?
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

One thing I firmly believe vis-à-vis writing is that you must love your characters. If you don't, they are not going to do what you need them to do for you. I've lately reached the conclusion that with regard to my current WIP, I don't have enough love for my characters. Without the requisite amount of affection on my part, small wonder that they're not performing magic for me. Thus, I can see that I need to tweak them and make them both stronger and more solid and, hence, more loveable. I think that when I love them a little more, they're going to be capable of doing much greater things. I'm not calling it a New Year's resolution, but it is a resolution. I am resolved to making them work harder for me.

Your Expression Number is 1

You have the skills to be a top executive or businessperson. But first you must develop your natural capacity to be a good leader. You are truly original - with a creative approach to life and a very sharp mind. You reach for the sky, and you have the potential to reach it. Assertive and straight forward, you have little need for supervision. You are self-confident, self-reliant, and courageous in your convictions. While you sometimes fear loneliness, you prefer to be left alone. A bit self centered, you may be hard to life with at times. You also have a strong dominant streak - which can push others away at times.

What's Your Expression Number?

When they make the movie about your life, what will they call it?

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Here's a few Twisted Linguistics for your slightly warped pleasure.

involvbed - Describes an illicit affair.

employess - Your employer's wife.

Internatinal Editor - Someone you don't want to pay to clean up your manuscript.

intellegence - What's in the heads of the not-so-smart.

dimention - That plane on which the demented exist.

domitory - A room in college lodgings where they play dominoes.

Quiji board - Ouija boards for those with chronic nausea.


Aaaaand enough with the nonsense. Happy New Year to you!

Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne Karaoke --

http://www.hogmanay.net/history/karaokeauldlangsyne


Sing along!




Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine,
And we'll tak a cup o kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine,
But we've wander'd monie a weary fit,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.

Swallowing the Bad

Things always happen just the way they're supposed to. It may not always seem so. In the long-run, when we reexamine bad (even über bad) mojo in hindsight, we can see that it did, in fact, unfold just as it was intended to. One swallows it because one must and, yes, it is bitter and vile going down. A spoonful of sugar cancels out the bitter aftertaste, however, and it's the sweet taste that lingers.

There is something to be learned from even the worst things that happen to us. If it happened, it most likely happened for a reason. Perhaps something in one's physical, spiritual, or emotional makeup needed to be strengthened or tightened, if not altogether restructured. It's always possible that one needed to experience wearing the shoe on the other foot, or to walk a mile in the shoes of another. Sometimes, the lesson being conveyed is humility. Or endurance. Or empathy, conviction, or perseverance.

We complain about the bad stuff but, in the end, we take something from it -- presupposing that we are strong enough to do so and don't give in, give up, and collapse under its weight. Unless, of course, it kills us. If it doesn't, it makes us stronger; if it does, perhaps it was our time. Who can know, though? We can ponder these esoteric questions until the cows come home and, still, we may never know on this side of the veil. Things happening for a reason (and drawing us a picture in the process) is something I choose to believe. I find that it puts all the bad stuff into some kind of perspective that can be appreciated on a human level.

Some other things, you just know, and you're so sure of it that you know it in your mind, your heart, and deep in your bones, but that knowledge is useless until/unless you can prove it. I got some goods yesterday. It was a long time coming and it took some professional technical help. Lord God Almighty, it took long enough, but ... I got the goods that put paid to an old problem. That makes me happy -- and a lot of other people are getting savvy to the whole thing, also happy-making. That and two dollars will, of course, get me a cup of weak coffee, but the peace of mind is priceless and the knowing is worth any price.


New Year's Resolutions You Can Actually Keep:

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!


New Year's Resolutions For Pets:

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Relive victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

You Are 66% Peaceful

You are a very peaceful person. All is good in your world, no matter what's going on. Occasionally you let your problems get to you, but you generally remain upbeat. Your inner strength is inspirational - much more so than you may realize.

How Peaceful Are You?

It's Never Too Late For Bad Words

We couldn't let a day pass without rousting out some Words Gone Wild, and Roxan found us a bumper crop. Let's play Storytime With Twisted Linguistics.

seperates
chizler
corispondence
incompresible
celaphain
mnagiccal
perversirties
actualy, their are no pigions, no masquitoes
Commitement
inhabbit

Miss Cela Phain, who was also known by a couple of other names, was a professional chizler who lived in the decidedly not mnagiccal land of Antioz. Actualy, it was the only place in the universe she was allowed to inhabbit. She was always kept seperates from decent folk because of her commitement to perversirties. She had strange habbits, like bathing with good soap and then rolling in the mud, only to go psychotic and flush the soap down the toilet. She didn't really mind living in Antioz, though, since their are no pigions, no masquitoes there. Even if there were, no pigion would go near her nor any masquitoe bite her because of her bitter, black blood. The state of her mind was incompresible to normal people, so twisted and pervers it was. Well, you could see that in the nagiccal, compresible corispondence she scribbled. We hear she died of a combination of ear mites and a fearsome brain fever and was buried wrapped in celaphain so everyone could keep an eye on her perversirties -- which were much, much worse than any plain old perversities because she always denied them and blamed them on everyone else. Such is the nature of a chizler. Bye-bye, Cela Phain.

Turning to a more serious -- very serious -- subject, Saddam Hussein will purportedly be hanged sometime tonight. I don't think they should do it. In light of the already volatile political climate in the region, I think it's going to serve as the fuel that starts a huge conflagration. I'm afraid the violence and the anti-American sentiment are going to escalate rapidly and explode into an über war. I think it would have been more expedient to imprison Hussein for the rest of his wretched life. Killing him is apt to have dire and widespread consequences. I hope I'm wrong.


Update: As of around 10:00 P.M. my time, it is done. Hussein is dead. He deserved to die, of course. I just hope American troops don't have to pay the price for it. Libera nos a malo.

Now Is Better

In this nascent new year, I am mindful that each new year brings one one step closer to one's mortality. After all, there's no rule that says I might not be taken out by a laundry truck tomorrow. I'm not being morbid, just realistic. Practical. It might, however, be a good idea to live each year as though it were your last. In other words, don't put off doing what you need to do to thrive and survive. Do what makes you happy. Do it now. Don't dilly-dally around when it comes to following your dreams. Do it now. Don't waffle about recognizing your desires and seeking the wherewithal to realize them. Do it now. Don't sit and stare at that blank page and think about breathing life into it -- sometime. Do it now. Don't be dilatory about laughing, dancing, playing, planning, working, updating, upgrading, revamping (or just vamping), getting a makeover, throwing out the junk, telling your loved ones you love them, or ... whatever. Why wait until you might be dead? Do it now!

Suppose I do become toast tomorrow?

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

	I, Serena Joy, being of sound mind, hereby bequeath my entire estate to a Ferrari. I do this because I support their goal of banning people from taking diet pills. My only regret in this life was that I didn't sin enoungh.
'What will your Last Will and Testament say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

7 Red

Since “7” is, after all, one of my lucky numbers and it’s about to become the year 2007, I have this niggling sense that maybe it would be unlucky to not have at least a couple of Resolutions. But then, everything that comes to mind is something that I do (or try to do) all the time anyway; e.g.,

- Do no harm (unless your hand is forced).
- Work hard, at both what you like to do and what you get paid to do.
- Maintain as equal a balance as possible (or practical) in all things.
- Embrace new ideas and discover new things at every opportunity.
- Don’t just “say” you’re going to try something you’ve never done before; do it. (No, not that.)
- Don’t deprive yourself of small luxuries, and don’t feel guilty for indulging yourself a little.
- If you can help someone, do it.
- Be proactive, not reactive.
- Think before you act, look before you leap.
- Learn something new every single day.

Speaking of luck, what color is yours?

Your Lucky Underwear Is Red

You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself. You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed. When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world. So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you!

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

I sent the dog out last night to have a word with the squirrels. I don’t think she made much headway. I heard a whole lot of chittering going on, but no barking. Maybe I should send the Doberman next door instead. I think she could convey the message quite effectively without having to kneecap any of them.

Here's your small Twisted Linguistics fix for today.

privilage – A small, exclusive town of outhouses.

toe'd – A contraction, origin unknown, in frog language.

under my nemesis – An unholy sexual position that should never happen.

appologise – Strange behavior excused under the guise of apoplexy.

Dull Sword, Sharpened Keyboard

The University of Blogging Presents to SerenaJoy An Honorary Bachelor of Self Portraiture Majoring in Questionnaires Signed Dr. GoQuiz.com ®

Username:

Blogging Degree
From Go-Quiz.com




I'm still not doing New Year's Resolutions, which does not preclude a little reflection. One thing that I’ve learned over the past year is that there are an inordinate number of pretenders and poseurs in the world – rank amateurs at the art of riposte, I might add. It’s not that much fun taking on unarmed opponents -- except when it is. I am not above enjoying a battle of wits with those who have plenty of bark but no bullets. Things are perfectly fine as long as we don’t cross paths. When we do, look out. I have no compunction whatsoever about kicking ass now and taking names later.

I don’t pretend to be anything/anyone I’m not. What you see is pretty much what you get. I don’t say anything that I don’t know to be true, or that I haven't already seen stated as fact in a news article somewhere. I believe it’s better to say nothing than to say it anyway, knowing that it’s false. Likewise, if something is purely stupid, why would I call it anything else but what it is? I mean, you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig, isn’t it? If I don’t like someone or something, I’m not going to pretend that I do. Isn’t that lying?

I don’t stand much on ceremony. The more laid back and open things are, the better I like them. Even laid back and mellow, however, can be done with a little bit of élan and finesse – which is more than can be said for some folks.

Here’s another Warped New Year’s Resolution for you: If you’re not particularly photogenic, shoot, simply Photoshop yourself onto someone who looks better. You don’t think anybody would be ballsy enough to do that? Guess again!

Moving on, the phone man cometh and the phone man goeth. It took him only a moment to discern the nature of the problem: a squirrel had snacked on the line leading into the house. I guess that’s a hint to me that I should feed my rodents more.

Today’s Twisted Linguistics:

hulpa
adopying
vangaurd
remoursfull
Conustants
natorious
noteriaty
enimies
esavoir

There’s been a lot of hulpa lately about the rich and the famous and the natorious adopying needy children. Some of them do it for the noteriaty, as though they’re the vangaurd in some sort of conustants. It gives their enimies something to esavoir, though the more insightful feel remoursfull for the kids.

How Machiavellian are you?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

As clear and convincing – and final – proof that these friggin’ quizzes lie, I give you Exhibit “A” –

Am I cool or uncool? [CLICK] You are Super-Cool! Woah! Step back - the future's so bright for you it's blinding me! You are the coolest of the cool. Everyone looks up to you as the benchmark for being coooool. The fonze was your grandfather. Any cooler and you'd freeze! WOO it's chilly in here. Cool quizzes at Go-Quiz.com

Dead Again

After the phone came back to life last night, I called the phone company and cancelled today's scheduled service call. I made and received calls with no problem whatsoever up 'til around 10:00 this morning when, yep, you guessed it, you knew this was coming -- it died again. I know I shouldn't have been surprised... I'm like a human lightning rod for every weird and diabolical and inexplicable piece of crap to come down the pike. At least, they can get somebody out here tomorrow so I won't have to wait several more days. Even if the damned thing resurrects tonight, I still want the line thoroughly checked out. Something is wrong and causing this anomaly that's turning my phones into zombies. Suddenly dead and just as suddenly reanimated phones are freaking me out. Best to get it figured out and fixed, especially since my wireless online connection is cranky as hell today, which is making me cranky as hell.

Here's a warped New Year's Resolution for those who don't yet have any of their own. If you've been spamming people and get caught, deny it and then get somebody whose reputation used to be better than yours to speak for you and blame it on ... PublishAmerica.

Excuse me while I administer a little First Aid; I seem to have laughed my ass off.

I haven't made a point of hunting down Words Gone Wild today, but I did see on one site repeated references to "Barnes and Nobel." We all know what Nobel prizes are. I'd be extremely surprised if any of those referencing it are in a position to win one.

Your French Name is:

Bernadette Charon

What's Your French Name?

The Dead Has Risen

Well, this is strange. Not, perhaps, Twilight Zone strange, but strange nonetheless. My phone's been dead since Saturday -- no dial tone, no calls in, no calls out. Nada. Dead as a doornail. People who had tried calling said the phone just rang and rang, although it never physically rang here.

Yesterday, it actually did ring a couple of times. When I'd pick up, there was nothing there but loud, weird static. And still no dial tone. Consequently, we quit bothering to pick it up.

Then tonight, it rang again. And once again, I ignored it -- until the answering machine picked up (which it hasn't done since Saturday) and I heard the voice of a friend of mine beginning to leave a message. I picked up the phone and, sure enough, she was on the line and we were able to have a conversation. Experimenting afterwards, I plugged each phone in the house back in and each one had a dial tone. This is so bizarre! For some inexplicable reason, my phone line just resurrected itself out of the blue. I'm not complaining, but I am completely stupefied.

The spontaneous regeneration of phone service necessitated a call to the phone company to cancel tomorrow's service call. They couldn't explain it, either.

Dee-dee-dee-dee...

Celebrating a Complete Lack of Resolve

The 'Godfather of Soul,' James Brown, passed away of pneumonia in a Georgia hospital today. He was 73, and a force to be reckoned with in the music world during his heyday.

Roxan and I both found some prime examples of Twisted Linguistics over the past day or two.


hillarious - Territory rendered extremely treacherous because of hills.

personell - Companies staffed exclusively by women named Nell.

tital of the story - The first of many stories written by one who is destined to become a titan of the writing industry.

poratble - Stuff that's guaranteed to garner a 'poor' rating.

tobaco - Stuff made from bacon crumbs that's smoked by poor people.

boznia - What Slavic daredevils yell at the penultimate moment.

pettit - One thing you don't want to do to a grizzly bear.

laugage - A gauge for measuring laughter.

has an idia - Inventions which are relegated to the realm of the absurd.

miniciple - Dangling participles derived from very short words.

secretari - An office employee who stays and stays and stays.

uggly - An extra homely person or thing.

celibrate - A small group of persons who celebrate celibacy.

montiture - My... Unh-unh, I don't think so.

tworads - Are better than one rad, especially if you're looking to get irradiated.


I hope you've all had a wonderful holiday.

Ha-ha, this just goes to show what the quiz knows. I've already said in public that I do not keep New Year's resolutions.

You Will Keep Your New Year's Resolution

You planning on making a resolution that's smart, attainable, and perfect for where your life is.

Will You Keep Your New Year's Resolution?

Smelly Puppy

Okay, I'm going to tell you the full story of what happened with the dog. I'm warning you now -- if you have a weak stomach, you'd best skip on over this tale.

I went to let the dog back in this morning when I noticed that, uh-oh, she must have had diarrhea. Let's just say her hindquarters were a mess and leave it at that. The husband wasn't here, so I just left her outside 'til he could get back and help me figure out what to do. All I knew was that I couldn't possibly let her into my freshly cleaned house like that. Husband gets back, and we take a pack of baby wipes outside and go to work on her. That helps a little; but not all that much. So we brought her inside and he held her down while I went to work on her butt with soap and water and paper towels. Let me just say I was gagging all the while, not a jingle bell in sight. Next, it was decided that it was necessary to perform an emergency haircut. I barbered her behind, which I'm sure the groomer will have something to say about next time he sees her. She looked pretty funky when I finished, but the unsightly stinkiness was gone. To finish off the operation, I sprayed her butt with a nice-smelling cologne. I'm sure the company must have wondered why my dog's posterior end smelled like Lagerfeld but, hey, it beat the alternative. What a way to start off a Christmas Eve, huh?

Today's company has been, been fed and given drinks (enough drinks that they didn't notice anything odd about the dog), and are now gone. I'm really, really hoping not to have a rerun of this problem tomorrow, when LOTS of people are coming.

Husband got a very nice gift from my stepson-in-law -- the flag, folded and encased in glass, that his unit flew over Baghdad. He just returned stateside last week and will remain in the U.S. for about a year before he'll have to return to Iraq.

I've said it before but it bears repeating -- Merry Christmas to you all!

All the Best to You

Santa's probably loading his sleigh as we speak, preparing to spread joy and good cheer -- and presents! -- throughout the world tonight. Whatever holiday you celebrate, wherever in the world you happen to be, I wish you the best of the season.



Afrikaans - een plesierige kerfees
Arabic - I'd Milad Said Oua Sana Saida
Argentine - Felices Pasquas Y felices ano Nuevo
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari
Gaghand Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On!
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Brazilian - Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Chinese - (Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
(Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian - Sretan Bozic
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish - Glædelig Jul
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
English - Merry Christmas
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian - Ruumsaid juuluphi
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish - Hyvaa joulua
French - Joyeux Noel
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
German - Froehliche Weihnachten
Greek - Kala Christouyenna!
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi - Shub Naya Baras
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic - Gledileg Jol
Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian - Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu!
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori - Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Navajo - Merry Keshmish
Norwegian - God Jul
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
Portuguese - Boas Festas
Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Rumanian - Sarbatori vesele
Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom
Serbian - Hristos se rodi
Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Sami - Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scots Gaelic - Nollaig chridheil huibh
Serb-Croatian - Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish - Feliz Navidad
Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt År
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh
Welsh - Nadolig Llawen
Yugoslavian - Cestitamo Bozic
Papua New Guinea - Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go long yu

My sweet dog has given me the gift of diarrhea today. Oh, joy. I'm just waiting for one of my doggie-loving kids to come in and offer to give her a bath. As much as I love her, the poor little thing is just going to have to keep on sunbathing on the sun porch until somebody spiffs her up. Thankfully, it's warm out.

Soon, it will be time to once again pay lip service to ... New Year's Resolutions. I never keep them, so it's an exercise in futility for me to make them. Save one, which I do intend to work on in 2007. Its name is "Patience." Mine has been tried again and again and found lacking. I used to have nearly infinite patience. I'd like to get it to level off somewhere in the middle again. Life flows so much better when you're not in a huge hurry and you can apply patience to those situations which are going to happen with or without you. Sometimes, it's pointless to argue with life. It's going to do what it's going to do, and there's little you can do about it. If you can approach it with a modicum of patience, you're starting out ahead of the game. Whatever one is lacking patience in is either going to happen, or it won't. The patience factor gives you an edge,I think. If nothing else, it keeps your blood pressure down.

There is this from the Tao Te Ching regarding patience (or the lack thereof): "Do you have the patience to do nothing?"

If you "get" that and can work with it, you can do anything.

Dead Lines and Fun With Reindeer

What a great day for my phones to go dead, huh? You could call me fit to be tied. Naturally, there's no repairman available until Tuesday -- "between 8:00 and 6:00." Oh, Happy Happy, Merry Merry. Thank God for cell phones.

This would seem an appropriate time for a few jokes. And no, most of them are not for the easily offended.

Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year and, when he does, it's down a chimney.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
They both have ornamental balls.

Two blondes went into the Deep Woods looking for a Christmas tree. After hours of freezing temperatures and some too-close calls with wolves and bears, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see and I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"



What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
Snowballs.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

If a reindeer lost his tail, where would it go for a new one?
A retail shop.

Why don't reindeer like penguins?
They can't get the wrappers off.

Why do reindeer scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch.

On the Twisted Linguistics docket today, we found these characters.

If money where of no object - But money IS an object, so this appears to be rather nonsensical.

Awnsers - Answers which are truly inspirational.

For your own piece of mind - I don't know. Before buying, I'd want to know how big the piece was and how much it cost.

The Higgest Calling - Apparently, someone named Higgest is on line 1.

I have herd from - The provenance of the farmer's newly acquired livestock.

typos that didn't get catched - No! Really?

So, how stressed out did you get this year?

Your Holiday Stress Level is Moderate

The holidays sometimes stress you out, but mostly because they wear you down. Take it easy! You can have a fun holiday without running yourself ragged.

What's Your Holiday Stress Level?

Duke Rape Charges Dropped

Charges have been dropped against three Duke University Lacrosse players accused of raping a stripper at a party. According to news reports, those three still face kidnapping and sexual offense charges, whatever that means. If it didn't happen, why are all charges not dismissed?

As a woman, I naturally want to see bona fide rape cases prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I also want those sections of the law which are so onerous that they cause many women to never even report rapes changed. That being said, I personally believe all charges in this particular case should be dropped because I personally don't believe a rape occurred.

The "victim" has changed her story too many times. She gave police descriptions that fit none of the Duke players. Her picks from the police lineup missed the mark. Some of the players had alibis that proved incontrovertibly that they couldn't have been there. I wouldn't go so far as to say her choice of occupation has detracted from her credibility from the inception, but it didn't do much to bolster her story. Not that strippers can't be raped. Of course, they can. And are. I don't believe this particular one was or, if she was, it wasn't by these men. There have always been inconsistencies in her account of what happened -- all versions. Once DNA test results were announced, all doubt in my mind was eliminated. She said no condoms were used; therefore, the fact that there was no DNA from these men could mean only one thing -- they didn't do it. What was found was genetic material from several other males found in her undergarments and on her body. The evidence speaks for itself. Evidence doesn't lie. If there is no forensic evidence that says indisputably that a crime occurred, I don't see how a prosecution can go forward.

Something no doubt happened that night, but it wasn't a rape. Possibly she consented to some sort of unsavory activities with some as yet unidentified men. Possibly she got "caught," possibly by whoever is the father of the child she's now having (or had), and had to come up with some explanation off the top of her head. If that can ever be proved, she's the one who should be prosecuted. She's damaged Duke's reputation and done irreparable harm to its Lacrosse program, and she's caused these young men to be arrested, sustain abject humiliation and ridicule, and incur huge legal bills to fight the charges. It's too late to excuse her behavior by calling it a "mistake." This was willful conduct on her part and she's had nine months to rectify it. She has not.

Punked?

No, it's not snowing here; it's only raining. But it's a pretty picture -- and one can always wish.

I know that Harry Potter is for kids, but I enjoy the books anyway. I already know from earlier news reports what the title of the next (and last) HP will be. If you haven't already heard it and want to know, you can find it and have a little fun at the same time here:

http://www.jkrowling.com/

This is not for the impatient; it takes all this stuff some time to load.

Click on the eraser and you'll be taken to a room where you'll see a window, a door, and a mirror. Look for the hallway in the mirror. Click on the farthest doorknob and look for the Christmas tree. Click on the center of the door next to the mirror and a wreath will appear. Click on the top of the mirror and you'll see a garland.

Then, look for a cobweb next to the door. Click it to make it disappear. Look for the chimes in the window. Click the second chime on the right and hold it down. The chime will morph into a key, and the key opens the door. Click on the wrapped gift behind the door, then click it again and play a game of Hangman to figure out the title.

There's a lot of serious news I could talk about -- political/religious tempest brewing in "my own back yard," another landmark case on euthanasia taking shape on the international front, blizzards, new flooding in New Orleans, yada yada yada. I'm going to leave it by the wayside, though. It's the holidays, a time for light-hearted frivolity and the serious pursuit of not over-taxing already strained brains.

I have a family party tonight, and two kids making their long way home tomorrow. We'd love it if the third could also make it but, alas, she (and her family) are so far away that plane tickets just aren't in the cards this year.

I did go ahead and stretch my brain just a little to figure out these Twisted Linguistics.

redemtion - A cut-rate brand of absolution.

octual passed events - Programs skipped by octopuses; or actuarial tables for octopi.

Actyually - To behave in a Christmassy fashion.

the screems iof the banchees - Extras in a horror flick who didn't work out and were (duh) fired.

removoval - A plan for redesigning and consequently reshaping the President's office.

porint - Rent for poverty-stricken people.

burnewed down houses - Scottish sheep pens down on the creek.

corpoerate conectyion - A weekend retreat for businesspeople who write poetry which will focus on ... spelling.

You Are a Funny Gift Giver

Your gifts are wacky, offbeat, and even borderline naughty. You prefer to give a gift that makes someone crack up... Forget utility. You prefer to give something that's totally hilarious.

What Kind of Gift Giver Are You?

This one needs more (or better) questions. LOL. I seriously doubt that liking My Chemical Romance makes me Punk.

You scored as Punk. Punk 80% Preppy 60% Emo 40% Geek 40% Gothic 20% Ghetto 0% Jock 0% Are you punk, ghetto, gothic, preppy, etc. created with QuizFarm.com

A Frosty Good Time

My office party was this afternoon. We had an awesome array of great food, but no booze this year since we did it in-house and everybody had places to drive afterwards. It was fun, though. We drew names for a gift exchange, and I got this cute little item.



You sit him in front of a door or window to stop drafts. Cute and functional.

One of the guys gave another guy a gag gift that had everybody in stitches. It was "Hooter Muffs." I took a picture of him wearing it (them?) on his head but, for some reason, it didn't come out. I'm not going to describe it. You can use your imagination, which I'm sure will do it all kinds of justice.

Afterwards, I had errands to run and last-minute items to pick up. Traffic was hellacious coming and going, as was the traffic in the stores. I am so glad to have everything done and be in for the day. It's cold and feeling more like Christmas. Buckets of rain are on the way; alas, no snow, but the temperature does feel more seasonal. I may even find a little time to read after while. I have both the new Greg Iles and the new Dean Koontz. It's going to be very hard deciding which one to start with. My boss gave me a very generous B&N gift certificate, too, so I'm going to have some fun spending that after the holidays.

It took me only about five minutes to find the day's Twisted Linguistics. Holy moly, it gets worse and worse. When this stuff comes from a putative writing forum, it should take days to find this many Words Gone Wild.

probubly - Nope, I'm not defining this one. The same person writes it over and over again, ad nauseam, actually believing that's how the word is spelled. I'm only putting it up for the sake of gawking at it. Again.

ecelution - I can't even get a clue about what this word was intended to be. It makes no sense in any context. All I can do is guess that it refers in some obscure way to the obverse of evolution.

i must hace - When one must hasten to hack.

prehaps - Before chance occurrences.

dissapointed - Disrespecting a conehead.

a timely manor - A stately home whose time has come.

commentment - A redundant remark.

humerous - Erotic humming.

pleas watch - Keeping an eye on the court docket.

computer clitch - A not very nice reference to a PC's private parts.

acorss - Description of a very common person, of course.

Here's something fun for you to play with.

You Are a Gingerbread House

A little spicy and a little sweet, anyone would like to be lost in the woods with you.

What Holiday Food Are You?

Hot Santa

Woe is me; I am hot no more. Temperature-wise, I'm talking about. Of course, I'm hot, even if it’s only in my dreams. LOL. The 70s are gone, it's in the 50s, and it will be in the 40s by Christmas. Oh, well -- it was great while it lasted.

How's this for an Evil Santa tale? In Columbia, SC, a man dressed as Santa Claus lured an 8-year-old girl onto his motorcycle and drove away, and her father chased him until he pulled over and gave her back.

The girl, of Augusta, GA, and her family stopped at a convenience store off Interstate 20 on Sunday night when they noticed the man, dressed in a Santa Claus suit, refueling his motorcycle, police said.

Police were told that he had been asking children to come over and look at a stuffed Rudolph he had in his sidecar before taking off with the 8-year-old.

I’m writing a letter to Good Santa:

Dear Santa,

I maybe haven't been all that good this year, but that's neither here nor there. I want what I want, and you have to bring it since ... that's your job. I'll make a deal with you, though. I'll forgo baubles and bows and bling if you'll do just this one thing for me: gain a little (or a lot) more weight and then sit on a couple of stupid twits (with or without tiaras, undies, and AA cards) here and a few yahoos (with or without hideous hair, beer guts, and rehab suites) there and smoosh them flat, figuratively speaking. Or even literally, if you wanted to go that far. That would be fine with me. And then I wouldn't mind it if you let your reindeer gang up and drool all over them. Oh, I know a little reindeer spit never hurt anybody, but the twits won't like it and annoying twits makes me happy. So, there you have it, big guy. That's what I want, Santa baby. Do we have a deal?

We have Twisted Linguistics today, some of them captured by Roxan, some by me.

real writiers are not intinidated - Hmph! Well, I guess not if they’re willing to go out in public and say that.

modecum of success - That's a very strange mode, fella.

I feel your paine - Someone's taking liberties with the late Thomas?

damge - Curse uttered by a stutterer.

a brand mew soul - Someone reincarnated as a cat.

new yortker - A novice at the art of yorting.

they pic their victums - People who get off on taking photos of people named Victor swallowing Tums.

seventioes - A person over 70 with either seven toes or seven ties, we're not sure which.

asshomes - A retirement home for old, worn out donkeys.

philosohpy - A guy named Phil who is simply overjoyed.

big suage truck - A large truck that hauls sausages to the sewage plant.

suction hoeses and the spair pylons - We're pretty sure this is something at least mildly pornographic, so we're not going to discuss it.

reseeaching - When your eye aches again and you can't see out of it.

There’s another word that’s bugging me, too. I hear it all the time, but especially at this time of year when the push is on to buy, buy, buy. The word is “jewelry.” It’s not that hard to pronounce, but too many people on TV are pronouncing it ju-la-ree. It’s ju-ul-ree, for Pete’s sake. You make jewelry with ju-uls, not ju-las.

How’s your thinking?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Exploring

You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world.

What's Your Thinking Style?

Pooey!

Why do dogs never have trouble with their bowels until you have a freshly waxed floor? That’s one of those freak laws of nature, isn’t it? What a lovely thing to wake up to early in the morning. Well, enough said about that. There are freaks, geeks, and accidents everywhere. I prefer the accidents nine times out of ten.

Grrrr! Blogger problems abound today. I've heard tell of a couple of different problems encountered, not the least of which is inaccessibility to other peoples' Comments sections.

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

As on every other day throughout the course of Vocab Rehab, a few words went wild and twisted themselves into these strange linguistics.

seriel killer – A killer, but not as dangerous as the serial killer; more like the cereal killer.

added insentive – One who is insensitive to his neighbor’s difficulty with addition.

unsalable – Vegetables that are unfit for use in salads.

Perminantly – When you get your hair tightly curled in Italy.

existance – Ants who think, therefore, they are.

mulititude – Forced to wear mullet haircuts.

preceeding – When your bladder no longer rules your life.


Thank God, I’m not a grinch! Whew! I was a little worried, but the all-knowing quiz assures me I’m okay. Of course, if I were a grinch, I’d admit it. Those who doth protest too much aren’t fooling anybody. LOL.

Nope, You're Not a Grinch

Although you may feel Grinch-like at times, it's just because you're worn out from the holidays. You get into the holiday spirit more than most people - and you truly enjoy celebrating with your family and friends.

Are You a Grinch?

With a Wave of a Wand...

When I become Empress of the Known Universe, I'm declaring a moratorium on Mondays. In fact, I plan to abolish them altogether as superfluous and good for nothing. Please vote for me.

Speaking of voting and superfluous and abolition, who's read "State of Denial?" I'm about halfway through it. Scary stuff, especially when considered in the light of business as usual in Washington.

I have to finish cleaning this evening. Out-of-town company's due Tuesday or Wednesday. Will I get it done? Nobody knows, least of all me.

I wore a holiday sweater to work -- with a sleeveless top on underneath, knowing that it was likely to get hot this afternoon. It did. The sweater was off by noon, with the AC cranked up. Freaky.

Who wants to try their luck at the World's Shortest Personality Test?

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

We managed to lasso a few Words Gone Wild today. Let's see what we can do about roping them into some semblance of Twisted Linguistics compliance.


Noone - Peter; lead singer of Herman's Hermits.

mischovouse - One who takes vows of mischief.

woory - So tired you're woozy.

platea - False tea, worse than decaf.

regerstering - A second, rather spastic attempt to flag down help.

techinicaly - School in California for the slightly tetched.

Death on the Mountain

Late this afternoon, rescuers found the body of one of the three climbers lost for over a week on Mt. Hood. The identification hasn't been made public, but because the body was discovered in a snow cave, I surmise it's the one who was injured and holed up in a snow cave with a cell phone.

You can, of course, catch this on your late news. The reason I'm blogging about it is my disgust at the truly hateful and disrespectful comments I've seen on a number of sites this evening. As always, AOL boards are by far the leaders in snippy, hateful, stupid comments. The mildest of the nasty comments called the three men stupid, inexperienced risk-takers, etc., etc. A cursory examination of the biographical information extant on them tells you that they were far from inexperienced. They had paid their dues, knew what they were doing, and had the proper equipment for the climb. What they could not control was nature. Bad weather blew in, and there was nothing they or anyone else could do to turn it back. Accidents happen, and they happen to the very best of the pros.

People who don't know what they're talking about should do themselves a favor and just shut up. As we all know, the Internet is filled with stupid people who yack-yack-yack just because they so love the sound of their own voices. It's too bad they have no clue how other people perceive their idiocy. If they did, they'd slink away and the Net would be a neater, smarter place.

Voulez-vous Poulet

Though supplies are dwindling, all the stores have Christmas sweaters and sweatshirts. But ... what about Christmas tee-shirts? I don't think I've ever seen one. And this year, I need one. It won't get cold. I'm serious. It's been cold, but then it warmed up again. And the heat stayed. It was 70 yesterday, and today, and will be again tomorrow. We're due for a "cold snap" by Christmas -- to the 50s. That's not cold! Not that I'm complaining. This balmy weather is warding off monster heating bills. I want to wear my Christmas sweaters without breaking out in a sweat, though.

In light of my newfound affinity for chicken chucking, someone sent me this fowl recipe.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.


Today's Words Gone Wild in the Twisted Linguistics lineup:

analize - Thinking about kicking someone's butt.

deluted - When someone has been deprived of his lute.

permenantly - A smell that lasts forever.

novelity - A light, flash-in-the-pan novel; read it once and toss it.

strong vibs - The part of the body to exercise when your abs are hopeless.

roylaty - Payments which are better made late than never.

You Should Spend the Holidays In

France - where "Pere Noel" fills your shoes full of toes

What Country Should You Spend the Holidays In?

Joyeux Noël

I've been listening to some of my favorite Christmas music today -- Cajun. That's right, Cajun Christmas music. I absolutely love it. My favorite CD is probably one called simply "Alligator Stomp." I got my first taste of that in New Orleans and, when I wore that CD out, I was able to order a replacement -- and the subsequent volumes -- from amazon.com. You can hear some really excellent exemplar clips here:

http://www.amazon.com/Alligator-Stomp-Vol-Cajun-Christmas/dp/B0000032VK/sr=1-3/qid=1166296241/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3/102-5620664-0788937?ie=UTF8&s=music

It's festive, foot-stomping, feel-good, jolly good rockin' music. When I have holiday guests and put the Cajun stuff on, everybody starts dancing. It's the darndest thing. Whether they're in the kitchen, living room, dining room, whatever, they hear that music and they have to dance. As do I. There's just no way you can NOT dance to it. It's that kind of music.

Also, while it's not Cajun, it's not Christmas without the sounds of Aaron Neville and Harry Connick, Jr. Something happened before I was born and some wires somehow got crossed. I was supposed to have been born in Louisiana. I just know it.

My dog is getting a -- are you ready for this? -- gingerbread house for Christmas. I already had her stocking hung, but the husband came in yesterday with this "gingerbread" house.



It's made of rawhide, of course. She's going to love biting into that.

I'm cleaning today. I can't have company dropping in and seeing how I really live. Sometimes, a façade is a good thing to have.

We have, of course, (and you would have expected nothing less) shoved some of our other duties aside and gone cruising for Words Gone Wild. Here's what we rounded up:

immerging
viablw
derivitive
can't get pass it
disingeniouse
hionest
rewriten
I mive a lot of money
the got hte deal onthe condo through; wide threw em out
campaing
sweeden to singapour
colleg

Vi was a disingeniouse type of girl who just wanted everybody to like her. Hionest. She also just wanted to have some fun. She'd tell her friends, "I mive a lot of money, so I throw a lot of wide parties. The neighbors weren't happy so there was this campaing to the got hte deal onthe condo through; wide threw em out."

After she got thrown out of the condo, she decided to leave colleg and party from Sweeden to Singapour. Her whole life story as it was immerging would have to be rewriten after that one night with the Sweed who was hosting a balloon-animals party and asked for her help. Poor Vi a-blw and she blw, but she couldn't get enough air into the balloons. Instead, she blw 'til she passed out and fell on her hione. She couldn't get pass it, the embarrassment derivitive of her lack of stamina, so she went back to colleg and found a job which allowed her to sing and pour at the same time.

All I Want For Christmas

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

All I want for Christmas is... Well. I am stumped. I already have my two front teeth, so that's out. Everybody's been asking me for the last two months, "What do you want for Christmas?" My stock answer has been, "I don't know. Surprise me." I have a feeling that I'm in for a few real surprises this year. Which is a good thing -- I love surprises. In gifts, I mean. Some other surprises, like bad mojo and stuff that messes with my karma, simply piss me off.

Lesia's comment on "Clucking" reminded me of this joke I saw on Hale McKay's blog the other day. I'm lifting it for the benefit of those of you who haven't yet had the pleasure of reading his blog -- and hope he won't pop me one for petit larceny. And hey, if you haven't yet visited his blog, you must. It's always hysterically funny.

A BARBIE FOR CHRISTMAS

A little girl is standing in line to see Santa at the mall. When it is her turn she climbs up on to Santa's lap.
"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas this year?" Santa asked her.
"I want a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe," she replied.
Santa looks at her curiously and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl, "She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

To all my Jewish readers, I wish you a happy first day of Hanukkah.

Clucking All The Way

In my eternal quest for the oddball and the absurd, I (quite accidentally) happened across these nifty items today. Now that I've seen them, I don't know how much longer I can live without them.

First, we have the Chicken Chucker, guaranteed to provide seconds, maybe even minutes, of fun to the supremely, nay, terminally bored.



It's a 5-3/4" gun, much akin to a water pistol, but it shoots pullets at those fowling up your day. What could be more fun than catapulting rubber poultry at unwary hooligans? It comes with a supply of little rubber chickens, ready for loading.

$4.99 at amazon.com.

I forgot to check whether there's an optional speed-loader available.

You can also get yourself a classy keychain with a rubber chicken dangling off the chain. With this in your possession, after you've already bought the Chicken Chucker, you'll be able to keep it in your pocket and be reminded during all those boring office meetings of the barnyard antics waiting for you at home.



Only $2.99, again from amazon.com.

If you want to go high-dollar, you can buy the Crazy Cluck Wacky Chicken. Feed it 4 AA batteries and turn it on, and it will amuse you endlessly by dancing the "Chicken Dance." He clucks, sings, dances, chokes a little, and this plush critter (no feathers, no problems for the chicken-allergic) is virtually indestructible, no matter what you do to him. He exists to amuse you and your wish is his command. He's a lot of Poultry Power packed into a little over 14" high.



You can get your very own from amazon.com, $14.99.

I'm not quite sure what's up with Amazon's indulgence of chicken fetishes. You might need a drink before you start tossing fowl. I'm just saying. You know what I'm wondering, of course -- what other strange desires might Amazon be unknowingly catering to?

What will you get for The 12 Days of Christmas?

For the twelve days of Christmas, your true love will send you:

Twelve babies drumming Eleven christmas trees a-twinkling Ten ice skaters a-leaping Nine ladies knitting Eight alpacas a-milking Seven hot chocolates a-steaming Six iPods a-playing Five Golden Girls Four calling booty calls Three French tourists Two diamond pinky rings And a fairy in a olive tree

What Will You Get for the 12 Days of Christmas?

Before we all get out our chick-shooters, let's first have a small perverted English lesson. After all, Roxan went to the trouble of spotting them and ... a day without Twisted Linguistics is pretty much wasted.

synopsises
alcxhohol
sometiuems
pyamdia
Baborahma
methoid

Now that we have all completed our synopsises, methoid it is time to relax. Therefore, we're all going to get fired up with alcxhohol, which sometiuems makes us go ho-ho and other times just makes us feel all pyamdia, and book a cruise to -- the Baborahma!

He's No Gentleman

I'm protesting the widespread abuse of the word "gentleman." Newscasters are the worst offenders. To cite a few examples, I heard one just today say something to the effect of, "The gentleman chased the victim into the alley and shot him 5 times." Excuse me, but gentlemen don't chase people down and shoot them.

I hear that misnomer a lot in high-profile cases. I've heard the likes of Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Danny Rolling referred to by news commentators as "gentlemen."

How often have I heard somebody on TV talking about how "the gentleman broke into her house through a rear window, raped her repeatedly, and then strangled her?" Sorry, he was no gentleman and I find that offensive.

News people need to get a clue. Rapists, murderers, robbers, pornographers, child molesters, gangbangers, etc., are not gentlemen. Either refer to them by their given names or call them simply "the man." Or the robber or the killer. When a man of that caliber does what he does, he forfeits any claim to the title "gentleman." Declining to designate every single living male a gentleman is not violating Political Correctness. Get it right. Gentlemen don't rob, rape, or kill.

Shocking!

Want to be a “hottie?” For a mere $950.00, you can obtain the No-Contact Jacket and turn yourself into a walking Taser. The jacket puts out 80,000 volts of low-amperage, non-lethal electric current just under the surface of the garment. If someone up to no good touches the coat while you’re wearing it and have it activated, he’ll get zapped. It will hurt him and cause him to lose voluntary muscle movement, just like a stun gun would, but it won't kill or permanently injure him. The rubbery interior of the jacket protects the wearer from the electrical current.

Available from http://www.no-contact.com/.

Well. I don't know what to say, except that’s one of the strangest items I’ve seen lately.

Which of Santa’s reindeer are you?

You Are Dancer

Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance. Why You're Naughty: That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer. Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Today’s Twisted Linguistics are just flippin’ weird. I’m going to attempt to define them but I’m not sanguine about my chances.

privaledge – You’ve heard of a pot to pee in when there’s no privy available? This is a ledge to pee off of under the same circumstances.

psudonims – Fake donut holes.

defineds – Self-explanatory.

Literaturehomeowrk – Intense analysis of the ‘Romeo’ character in which the work is done at home.

splung cord – We’ll get back to you on this one after we find out what a splung is and whether it should, in fact, be plugged in.

musiuc – Really nasty nasal discharge.

catologue – When cats use logs to ford rivers.

embaressing – The act of singing while naked.

promissing – The act of vowing to sing anywhere, any time.

champuion – Champagne that is so hideous that we guarantee you can get only half a flute down before you yell “Pooey!” and start puking.

amsetrs - People who sit on smoked hams. Also, people who look after little hams for money while the big pigs are out.

hosent – A burning, itching disease which could lead to parts rotting off unless you swallow your pride and seek treatment.

cricifix – Tiny little crosses carried by crickets.

I'll be in thouch – What a wannabe Romeo said to an uptight Juliet before she threw him off the balcony.

Call of the Wild

It’s about two weeks before Christmas and we’re still running the AC at work. Maybe Florida will have a White Christmas this year. ‘Ya think?

The students at the colleges in the area are heading home for winter break, leaving behind a completely unforeseen problem. They’re leaving boxes of animals at clinics and shelters, with notes attached asking that “somebody” take care of the cats and dogs and find them homes because they’re “going home and can’t take care of them any more.” My God, talk about irresponsibility.

Did you all hear about the 11-year-old Weston, Massachusetts, boy who saved his dog from a red-tailed hawk? The little boy was walking his 5-month-old Dachshund pup when the hawk swooped down, grabbed the puppy, and began trying to make a meal of him. The boy fought off the hawk and the pup, some stitches notwithstanding, is okay. That is one brave little boy.



What flavor ice cream are you? This was a pretty good quiz – I think the flavor I got is pretty dead on. See how you do.

Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan!

You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz


We have Words Gone Wild with which to play Twisted Linguistics today. Thank you, Roxan.

flat as apncake
conterfiet
himselkf
yoiur
aniaversary
lasty movie I liked

Yoiur wanted to take his wife Ani out to celebrate their aniaversary. They decided to go to the movies, so he asked her what film she wanted to see.

“The lasty movie I liked,” said Ani, “was – none of them. I don’t like movies, you idiot. Some hot aniaversary date you are.”

“You’re not so hot, either,” Yoiur parried, just a wee bit testy himselkf. “You hate movies, you hate music, and you haven’t cooked since 1958 so how it is that you stay as wide as you are tall is beyond me. Oh, and your fiet are huge and yoiur head is as flat as apncake. You are a total conterfiet.”

Uh-oh. Ani raced to the phone and got them booked on the next Dr. Phil show. Yoiur never saw that one coming.

Two Little Words...

Virginia Attorney General Bob McDonnell plans to propose legislation that would make Virginia the first state in the nation to require sex offenders to register their online identities -- e-mail addresses, chat room, message board, and IM user names, etc. -- with state police.

In theory, it sounds like a good idea. It is, however, probably disingenuous. Certainly, it would prove difficult if not impossible to enforce. Any person on any given day can have an unlimited number of online identities. Anyone who’s ever been plagued by trolls on their sites knows how easy it is for those of a peculiar bent to, hidden behind the anonymity of a computer monitor, create as many new free e-mail accounts as they want. Add to that spoofing (for which actual providers exist), piggy-backing, wireless public access, etc., and the odds increase exponentially for anyone to get away with virtually any online activities they please. Anybody at all can pretend to be anyone they wish. Oh, they're always going to get caught sooner or later, but they can do a lot of damage in the interim.

If a sex offender gets caught and is discovered to have not registered all of his Internet personas, that’s one thing. Some of them are canny enough, however, to create so many different layers of “identity” that they’re always one step ahead of the law. And once they’re caught and their online user names discovered, it’s a bit too late then for registration to have made any difference.

Law enforcement agencies are very good at delving into the identity of the person behind an online persona. They have to have something to go on before they can start digging, though. If, for example, Bubba Dunce, registered sex offender, complies with the proposed law and registers his e-mail address (bubbadunce-at-dummail-dot-com), it will do cops no good to flag and track Bubba Dunce – not when he’s already set up new accounts as goodbubba-at-hotmail or bubbadoright-at-yahoo, and so on and so forth. If only such a law would work, it could be an important tool in apprehending the perverts who prey on children. I don't see much viability in it, though, not when there are so many ways of thwarting it.

What shall we do with today’s roster of Words Gone Wild?

horribel
new yok
placies
ceopt
reconature
Ominouse
congratualted
pimp of the wrong hoar
contrcats
refidgerator
mustash
snish inquesition
duffueses

We should perhaps twist those warped linguistics into something like this.

Once upon a time, there were these duffueses who lived in a dark and stormy land called Ominouse. Their self-appointed leader was a tall and skinny man with a horribel scraggly mustash. There were some placies they couldn’t go ceopt when they sneaked in. They did that one evening, sneaked in to a party they hadn’t been invited to. There were some real cool contrcats at the party, the type of guys the duffueses had no experience with. When the one with the mustash went to help himself to some beer from the refidgerator, he fidgeted a bit and wished he had taken a few minutes to reconature because he had no idea how to handle the contrcat who wanted the same beer. Hoping to sidetrack him, Mustash Duffues congratualted Contrcat Man on his glistening pompadour, to which CM took offense in a new yok minute.

“You are the pimp of the wrong hoar!” he bellowed at Duffues Boy.

“Ha!” cried the mustash. “I’m going to snish your inquesition for that horribel remark!”

When the fight was over and the dust settled, their fate was not in quesition. They were toast, and were immediately placed into the refidgerator along with the butter and jam.

Ha-ha, now that I know what I'm getting reincarnated as, I won't mind so much popping off.

Serena Joy is going to be reincarnated as...

A pop-princess

'What will you be reincarnated as?' at QuizGalaxy.com