Monday, June 21, 2010
My Karma Is Buzzard Pickins
I am cursed. I am soooooo cursed. You are never going to believe this, mainly because it sounds more like fiction -- really bad fiction -- than fact. I'm sitting in my apartment reading Saturday afternoon, just chillin' and minding my own business -- all defenses down, naturally -- when the phone rings. I answer, and it's -- get thee behind me, Satan -- Skank Girl. She says, "Guess what?!" And I, non-clairvoyant fool that I am, say, "What?" She says, "I'm going to work where you are. We'll be working together again. Won't that be great?!" I swallow a heart palpitation, swear silently, fan myself, and try to think where the rum bottle is, and then I say, "Wow! How'd that happen?" Then I silently cuss again, filthily this time, because it's also for the stupid, useless karma fairies who are probably laid up in a dark corner somewhere swilling my rum.
Skank Girl proceeds to tell me that she'd answered an ad for a secretary at my new firm and they called her in for an interview Friday and gave her the job. What this means is that the secretary who's been out sick for a long time is being replaced, and SG will, effective next Monday, be sharing my office with me. I can, of course, keep her busy doing scut work for me but, I ask you, how long is it going to be before the attorneys realize she can't do ... legal work? She can't even speak the English language correctly, much less type something in it. Her new job will be secretary to the senior partner. So, okay, he's 82 and well on his way to senility, but she's not going to be able to fool him for long. I can't forewarn them. I just hope to hell I'm not judged guilty by association.
I am cursed. I can see now that I'll have SG on my tail for the rest of my life. Next time I get married, she'll have to be a bridesmaid. If I change jobs again, naturally they'll have an opening for her, too. If I croak, I'm sure she'll be giving the eulogy. I'm just thankful I'm too old to have any more babies because, God knows, she'd have to be their godmother. After that call from hell, I had myself a giagundo banana split. It tasted good but I know it didn't save me from the curse.
I'm making it known right here and now that there's a huge reward to the first person who can cure my diseased karma and remove the Curse of the Skank Girl from my head. Please -- start working on it right this minute! By all that's holy, I'll make it worth your while.