Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Week's Best E-Mail

This was definitely my favorite "forward" of the week. I know, I have been told that I have a warped sense of humor. Anyway, enjoy, Happy Hump Day, and Happy Day Before Christmas Eve!


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan




Your Holiday Wish is Being with Family and Friends



The holidays are near and dear to your heart. You don't need much to make you happy this time of year.

As long as you're able to be near the people you love most, you are content. It's really that simple.

You want nothing more than a full house of people celebrating the season. It doesn't matter if it's your house or not, just as long as everyone is there.

And if someone doesn't happen to be around during the holidays, you think about him or her often. You get very sentimental this time of year.


8 comments:

/t. said...

HAPPY
HUMP DAY,
SERENA JOY!
&
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU
&
YOURS (not SG)

× × ×

/t.

G-Man said...

You have internet?
Yay!!!!!

Serena said...

Thank you, /t. Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year to you and your family.:)

I'm at work, Galen; still no Internet at home. I've got to go buy a new cellular modem when I blow this joint.:)

puerileuwaite said...

I loved the email! Best ever!

This is why I am designating my OWN inaugural holiday for January!

While I am still undecided about the date, I am calling it "Hemorrhoitopia".

It is a acknowledgement of ALL peoples, regardless of age, gender, position, social or economic stature, political party, race, nationality, handicap, philosophy or religion.

There shall be no place of celebration, per se; just a post and some indiscriminant finger (or paw) pointing.

So stay tuned for that.

Serena said...

Glad you liked it, Pugsley. I'll look forward to your January holiday. I'm not sure what one wears to Hemorr-whatia, or whether one should come bearing Preparation H, but I'll be there!:-)

colbymarshall said...

Hahaha. Love it.

Serena said...

Thanks, Colby!:)

live3054 said...
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