Thursday, November 19, 2009

Fun With Twisted Linguistics and ... Guest Post!

Today's guest post was written by Roxan, who runs the Something Wicked This Way Comes blog, on the topic "I Think I'm Turning Into a Zombie on Tuesday Nights." I think she did a bang-up job, and I think you're going to love the short story she came up with.

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Gettin' Zombed

It isn't like the movies at all. I woke up feeling pretty good the morning I zombed, better than I had for ages, in fact. I even cleaned house that day and the blood stains came right off the walls.

“Ex-husband? What ex-husband?” I'll be picking him out of my teeth for a week.

Oh, sure, you do get this craving but it isn't like you can't control it. None of us are wandering about with a dead stare and our arms outstretched in search of human brains. Except for the guy two doors down, and he's always been strange. Even before he zombed. Now he keeps bugging me by phoning and asking if I know what goes good with the mailman. I told him dog. Its been quieter, though, so I guess that wasn't such a bad move on my part. Oh, don't get all animal rights on me. He didn't eat the dog. It was Mr. Simmons he ate. The dog ran off.

There are perks for getting zombed. At first I was kind of irritated about it but once I got used to the idea of eating people, I found it appealing. After all, no more arguments with the neighbors over loud music or that damn BOOM BOOM coming from their car radios. They don't dare cross me now. The girl next door says she's not missing her boyfriend all that much. I did offer the head to her but she just shut the door and locked it. So rude!

Never been much for clubs or organizations, but figured under the circumstances I should join the ERZ. That stands for Equal Rights for Zombies. The gays think they've got it rough, just try being a zombie! There's always some yahoo who thinks the way to get rid of us is by bashing our brains in or severing our heads. I have to admit I was a bit wary about that myself, but the super-glue is holding quite nicely.

I also do volunteer work with the newly zombed. I counsel on how to control your appetite and give out pamphlets for them to read. There are some really good ones that even the thumpers should read -- So You've Been Zombed, Have I been Zombed or Am I Just A Cannibal, Why We Shouldn't Eat Family Members, and The Rod Serling inspired “To Serve Man” recipe booklet.

Oh, and the best news is Little Zed. One of the thumpers gave birth and turns out she had been with a guy who had just turned zomb. A thumper is what we call the living. Someone suggested livers. We had a great laugh over that one, then we got hungry. Anyway, this thumper has a zomb kid and gives it to some of the other thumpers to get rid of. I barely got there in time and had to pull half a dozen forks out of the poor kid's head. Zed's a great kid. I caught a couple of the ones sticking forks in his head and keep them in the basement so I can get the blood fresh for his bottles. Their whining gets to me sometimes and I can't wait for Zed to get off the blood. I take good care of the thumpers. They get the best of foods rich in protein and all the essential vitamins and minerals. Can't have them getting sick while Zed's still on the bottle. His mom found out I've got him and now she wants him back. Says she feels bad about what she did and wants to provide for him. We'll see if that's true or not when she gets here. A growing boy needs his mom and Zed's teething.

Thank you, Roxan. That was fun!

We need a guest post for next Thursday, folks. Somebody please pick a topic from the list on the right and start writing. Please?

Now that we've had our Zombie fix, we need to commune over a little blasfomy, don't you think? TWISTED LINGUISTICS has chosen some WordVerification anomalies for your defining pleasure this week. Have fun!



g-man said...

Jumpin Gissemat!
This is The Holy Grall of all Zombie Literature!
That Roxan sure has MY Relleshuto in a Hialdol..
And for you Serena Joy..Bulateed!!

Serena said...

She did a great job, didn't she, Galen? And YOU used the "words" to say so. I'm not sure I want to be bulateed, but okey-dokey!:)

Roxan said...

Thanks Galen! I told my fan page to stop by, hope they do.
I've spent the morning with my son who had dental surgery today (wisdom teeth). He confessed all sorts of stuff in his drug induced state. Some of it I knew, some I suspected but it was still funny as hell.

Serena said...

LOL, Roxan. I'm thankful I never got any wisdom teeth for that very reason. So, is he grounded?:-)

Roxan said...

Nah, they weren't bad things. Just typical 18 year old things. Nobody's pregnant, so that's something to be thankful for!!! LOL

Skunkfeathers said...

degedst: ist gefallen undt ist kaput midde spitzen sparken

taterepi: a tater snake

axpacie: pacie pissed off da boss agin...

hialdol: A Nazi Barbie

gissemat: keeps your gisse offa da flummenvagen

bulateed: angus golf

grall: yep..ah gots a load of it

espingshm: started to say the sports network, and threw up mid pronounciation

apode: home for a centipede

relleshuto: an Italian dish that offed da Gawdfaddah, cuz they forgot to unload it

Serena said...

Good enough, Roxan. No accidental pregnancies and no felonies, I think you can let him slide.:-)

Terrific crop of definitions, Skunk! I'm laughing my butt off at the Nazi Barbie. And tater snakes. I ain't sticking my hand in the tater bag tonight.:-)