Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Week's Best E-Mail

cool myspace layouts

I've had this one in my in-box for a while and had forgotten about it -- until I opened it and it made me smile all over again.

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Wal-Mart

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house: mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize that you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

Have a great Hump Day, y'all.


g-man said...

Um...According to this, I'm in my 70's?.....

Anonymous said...



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PS -- wal-mart at 80 sounds fun :)

NYD said...

It was kinda amazing that I found a litle of something from each of the ages ...The fart part was true and disturbing.

snowelf said...

i loathe walmart as much as you loathe skankgirl and this still made me laugh out loud!!


Serena said...

Well, Galen, there's a remedy for that. All the stores are just chock full of brand new, hole-free shirts and shorts and poo-free shoes. And I think that if you smile just right at the cute young things, they won't be thinking of their grandpas.:-)

It is, indeed, Hump Day, /t. And not a moment too soon. I got skanked real good today by Skank Girl and I am NOT happy about it. I think it's about time I declare war on that ho.:)

I think it's probably a guy thing, NYD. Only -- why does the male of the species have such a fascination with flatulence?;)

Soon, ol' Skank Girl's not going to find anything funny, Snow. I'm gonna have her head mounted tighter than that McDonald's singing fish.:-)

Marion said...

SJ, I LOVE this one. In fact, I came across a copy of it I'd printed out a while back. My husband read it and said, "Yep, that just above covers it!" LOL! Too, too funny and true. Thanks for posting it! Blessings, girlfriend!!

Serena said...

I'm so glad it made you smile, Princess Dragonfly. God knows, we all need all the smiles we can get.:)

Skunkfeathers said...

oh crap...I'm acting beyond my years... ;)

Serena said...

Aw, poor Skunk. It's okay, sweetie. Just avoid Wal-Mart and you'll be fine. I myself am going to be paying a visit to Lowe's soon. I've heard that they now have ... pink power tools!:)