Monday, October 09, 2006

A Desperate Plea to My Stomach

Dear Sour, Surly Stomach,

I am begging you -- please stop attacking me! I've fed you all these years, kept you supplied with your chocolate fixes and all the other little extras stomachs crave. I've catered to you, coddled you, comforted you when you hurt. I've taken very good care of you! And what do you do? You turn on me and show yourself for the spoiled ingrate you are, aching and burning me, making me reel with nausea.

After all I've done for you, you can't tolerate one little speck of grease? You can't allow me the luxury of a cheeseburger every now and then without forcing me to pay for it hunched over the toilet bowl in the middle of the night? Shame, shame!

Go ahead, laugh at me. Make me grovel. We'll see who has the last laugh. The dry toast you've insisted I feed you today wasn't that bad. I feel your cravings. I can tell you want just one little cookie, half a ham sandwich, a slice of pizza. I hear you begging for ice cream. Too bad -- there's ice cream in the house, but it's not vanilla. When you have one of these snit fits, nobody in their right mind would feed you anything but dry toast, cottage cheese, or vanilla ice cream. Keep begging, stomach. I love it. You made me pay last night, but who's hurting now?

Take another dose of Zantac and talk to me tomorrow. Maybe I'll give you some tasty little tidbit. Maybe I won't. The power's in my hands today, stomach. There'll be no rocking and rolling out of you today. You are grounded until further notice. Feels kind of empty, doesn't it?

With love and Pepto Bismol kisses,
Your Starving Mistress

8 comments:

RexZeitgiest said...

ahahahahahah....Funny, but not so funny....I feel your pain, I have been having stomache problems as well.....The last place a person wants to have problmes.....

Maybe its to much hot foods, maybe its Yukon Jack and cheap beer.....Either way, it SUXXXXX (and when gassy, blows)...

Go to the dr., Serena...

Serena Joy said...

Nah, I don't need a doctor. It's my own fault for being unable to resist greasy cheeseburgers. Hopefully, next time I see one I'll remember what happens and walk on by it. It definitely SUXXXX. Sounds like you need to be kinder to your stomach, too. Maybe lay off the hot stuff for a while? And maybe get better beer. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Mine is clearly in command. When I try to do what you just did it teaches me very quickly who rules. I had to be careful even reading that. Down boy.

Serena Joy said...

You have to show the stomach who's in charge, Kan -- tough love for bellies. Don't take any sass from it.:)

Anonymous said...

I don't have to show it who is incharge. It already knows it is.

Serena Joy said...

Don't let your stomach have the upper hand. If it thinks it's in charge, it'll rebel, start smoking pot and playing loud music and staying out late and you'll never have a moment's peace.

Southern Writer said...

If this is something that's been going on for a while, you might really need to see a doctor. Ever hear of Crohns Disease?

Serena Joy said...

It's actually a combination of hiatal hernia and ARD. I'm fine as long as I avoid greasy/spicy stuff. Sometimes it's hard to resist, though, and that's when I get in trouble.