Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Hip Op and the Big Bug Boogaloo

Bugs are getting bigger, aren't they? Something's going on. I know. I was accosted in my basement yesterday by a bug the size of an aircraft carrier. Good Lord, that sucker was big. And ugly. And hairy and scary.

At work today, a fly got in and kept dive-bombing my head. And it was big. I'm talking, like, the size of a B-52. I called the thing a horsefly; my boss said no, it's just an ordinary little housefly. He may have a law degree, but he's no entomologist. Trust me, this thing was no normal fly. It was huge. And obviously hungry -- out for blood. It was like the ... Lord of the Flies. No, scratch that -- it was a Hell Fly.

Did you know that doctors are jamming in the OR? Some won't operate until the jam is cranked up. They're calling it "Hip Op." There's a protocol to the playlist. Some favorites of one of the docs are "Beautiful Day" (U2), "Sympathy for the Devil" (Rolling Stones), "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (Meat Loaf), "Brown Eyed Girl" (Van Morrison), and "Good Riddance [Time of Your Life]" (Green Day).

Songs they don't want to hear in the surgical suite include "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" (Bob Dylan), "Fixing a Hole" (Beatles), "Bad Liver and a Broken Heart" (Tom Waits), "What's the Ugliest Part of Your Body?" (Frank Zappa/Mothers of Invention), "She Blinded Me With Science" (Thomas Dolby), and "I've Got You Under My Skin" (Frank Sinatra).

Presumably, the hospitals aren't charging the patients extra for the music. It wouldn't surprise me, though. It's probably not covered by insurance, either.

One of the Words Gone Bad hauled in today is "Emglish." Dang! We Word Cops have been hitting ourselves in the head all day long for just now figuring out that we didn't have sense enough to put our hands on the right dictionary. All along we could have been understanding these secret-code words if only we'd been smart enough to grab the correct tool -- the Emglish dictionary! We are morons.

Also indicted today were:

Hussle - A collection of the accoutrements of hussies.

Must've saw - "Must have saw!" We're afraid this is a budding chainsaw massacre wannabe. And yes, we big bad-ass Word Cops are scared.

Quatation - Famous Daffy Duck cartoon quotes; i.e., "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Biggining - A big to-do involving the consumption of massive quantities of gin.

Cofused - A relative anomaly whereby two people are confused by the same thing at the same time.

Captian - A plan to shoot a guy named Tian.

Shotty - Something you shoot after it's been shat upon.

Kindergarden - Remember how your mother always told you babies came from the cabbage patch? The kindergarden is where you'll find those cabbages.


kanrei said...

If your basement can hold not only a bug the size of an aircraft carrier, but you as well I would say a "normal" house fly for you must be huge.

No charge for the music per say, but ASCAP still gets theirs.

bhawi =D

Serena Joy said...

They ALL look huge to me. I'm just slightly bug-phobic. Bet you couldn't tell.

Bhawi, Kan? Sounds like some new lemming religion. LOL!

Oh, and aosmnahw!

Anonymous said...

Tee-hee. Sounds like a bug conspiracy. I don't blame you. I don't like bugs either.


Steve G said...

Remember how your mother always told you babies came from the cabbage patch? The kindergarden is where you'll find those cabbages. Hey, Serena, you have me rolling on the floor.

Serena Joy said...

you have me rolling on the floor.

Then my job is done, Steve. Rolling, rolling, rolling...